[Highwood]

Santa asked me to forward this letter to our good neighbors in the USA.


I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve all parts of Canada and south to the United States boarder. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your American replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola, and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4.you won’t hear “On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear,” on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Gordon. “
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond “I heer’d dat!’
6. As required by U.S. highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends down to put the presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs on the AM radio have been changed to “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

[Kelsenellenelvian]

PMSL "click print,click"

[fornicatarachnid]

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer
Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a
career in lawn care.
How about I send you a f....... book so you can
learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell!
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and
the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but
for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter
like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?
It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa, want a new bike, a Playstation, a
train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
retarded.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under
the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots
make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me
a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of
the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I
have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of
cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good
luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

-----
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
again.
Santa

-----
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our
house, how do you get into
our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's
why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live
in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get
your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

[Kelsenellenelvian]

OMFG PMSL Thanx fornicatarachnid

[Vampyromaniac]

Jeezuss, do try to control yourself more, K
Now I have to get the mop . . . .

[AznMouse23]

lol

[FresH-MeaT]

hehehe

[Kelsenellenelvian]

Now peeps you all have it wrong it's>>> HO HO HO