[Omegadrive]

Ok, I've opened this thread for people who want to have a good time and just pee in their pants laughing. Just post your jokes and comic stuff in this thread and come every now and then for a laugh.
Here's the first one:

50 Things you don't say while having sex:

01. Is it in yet?
02. Is that it?
03. You have to be kidding me
04. (phone rings) Hi? Oh, nothing special. You?
05. Am I supposed to pay you for this?
06. Should I call you tomorrow?
07. Oh mama, mama!!!
08. Oh daddy, daddy!!!
09. You look better in the dark.
10. Oh, this is much better than with my last boy/girlfriend.
11. I thought it was supposed to go into the other hole
12. Don't tell my husband/wife
13. You have the bra as my mom (particularly bad if the girl says this
14. This sucks
15. Could you hurry up a bit? I have to go to a meeting
16. I hope you're not expecting a raise
17. I think this could make you get the job
18. Damn, is that all you know ?!
19. Did I mention I have herpes?
20. We have to get married now
21. Hurry up, the game is on in a few!
22. I'm hungry
23. I'm thirsty
24. zzzzzzzzzz
25. Are you trying to be funny?
26. Can you drop me off when you're done?
27. Are those real?
28. Before I forget, I'm breaking up with you
29. What is that smell? Is that you?
30. You've never done this before?
31. WOW! I've never boobs like that! (and then start grabbing them)
32. Do you know what certain female spiders do after mating?
33. You sure look like your sister
34. Your mom's pretty nice
35. What did you say your name was?
36. Do I really still have to be here in the morning?
37. Again? I had trouble staying awake the first time!
38. Owwww, and you had just started
39. You're almost as good as a 9-year-old -- and I can know!
40. Don't touch that!
41. You wanna order a pizza?
42. I think my dad is eavesdropping
43. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
44. Is there anything nice on TV?
45. Get your hand away from there!
46. I think the condom tore 10 mins ago
47. I knew you had a stuffed bra!
48. "Cover me guys, I'm going in!"
49. TIMBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!
50. The ceiling needs some white paint ;-)

Well post your's now and have a good time

WRNING: PLEASE, don't post offensive "GOD" jokes , if I find any the post will be deleted. You have been warned!

[skinlab]

what about catholic priests jokes?

Cat is to kitten as....
dog is to puppy

(that was an example, joke below)

Michael Jackson borrowed his moves from James Brown as to....
A Catholic priest borrowed his moves from Michael Jackson

*rim shot please*

note: this joke was on Late night with Conan O'Brien tonight, that show rocks

[Omegadrive]

What I refered to are jokes that DIRECTLY attack GOD (or Jesus Christ, I may add), priests and other religious people are fine, I just don't want to get my BOSS mad.

But it will be much better if we can keep the jokes at a "clean level"...

[skinlab]

look who's talking about clean lol

here's another one:

jesus and satan are having a coding contest, hours pass by and both of them are coding madly. god is acting as a moderator in case something turns up.
after hours of coding, god sends down a lightening bolt (god suddenly turns into zeus eh? lol) and the power goes down. power comes back up, satan has lost all of his work. he looks at jesus who is back to coding happily and he screams at god "jesus is cheating. i lost all my work and he hasent!". god replies: "jesus saves".

yes i know lame old joke, and im bored and have nothing better to do.

move along

[skinlab]

oh yeah, we should also have a religion flaming forum, i can be a mod, caus i love arguing about religion

Marx: religion is the opium of the masses

[UberLord]

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees

Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in a bowl of custard?
No
Shows what a good disguise it is

What did Tarzan do when 100 elephants came over the hill?
Swim

What did Tarzan do when 100 elephants came over the hill wearing dark sunglasses?
Nothing - he didn't recognise them

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep

Why do elephants have trunks?
Sheep don't have strings



And le peice da resisdance

A knat is feeling rather frisky - but there aren't any other knats around
So he wanders upto a female lion, climbs up her back and whispers "Fancy a shag lover?"
The lion says "Ohhhh - I can't - my husband the King is due back soon"
Not put off by this, the knat spots a lonely female elephant
After the ardous trek upto the elephants ear and whispers "Hey beautiful - fancy a shag?"
"Ok then" says the elephant
The knat then scurries to the elephants rear and starts going for all its worth
At this point a mouse wanders into the clearing and the elephant roars and bucks

The knat shouts "Yeah - scream b****h scream!"

[Zardon]

[kinetic]

When NASA first ventured into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion dollars developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down and on almost any surface at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C...........the Russians used a pencil!

[Zardon]

did they also make a zero gravity sharpener ? thats a good comeback for the americans

[Yeti]

Yeah... its called a knife ..... lol.....

What?.... you've never used a knife to sharpen a pencil?..... man... ouch... you know thats the way they did it before some American came along and invented the pencil sharpener?

lol... no jokes in this post.

[Jeff]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stomp out burning ducks.

[Omegadrive]

Microsoft decided to release their TOP-SECRET new OS that's going to take the world by storm!!!

It's now 100% secure, no more hackers trying to get your data and no virus can get in...

[Jeff]

[Omegadrive]

Forgot to mention, there's a new hardware coming out also from MS, and you are going to love it, because it's the only hardware that you'll ever need that will fix EVERY PROBLEM in windows:

[Zardon]

ROFL !!!!!!!!!!

[Dyre Straits]

How do you kill a blue elephant?

You shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold his trunk till he turns blue and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.


____________________________

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?


It depends on how thin you slice them.



What do you have when you have a bunch of lawyers parachuting out of an airplane?



Skeet



and, finally:


What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull terrier?



Lipstick.




Dyre Straits

[skinlab]

dont rag on lawyers dyre, im gonna become one in about 6 years, just finished my 1st year of uni, and im glad to say i passed all my classes

[Dyre Straits]

Originally posted by skinlab
dont rag on lawyers dyre, im gonna become one in about 6 years, just finished my 1st year of uni, and im glad to say i passed all my classes

Actually, what's really funny about the lawyer jokes: They were emailed to me by a lawyer that I did some work for a while back.

Dyre Straits

[peroni]

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY


An American grappling with significance of irony

SAN FRANCISCO - Herdofsheep spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to rips with the concept of irony yesterday.

"It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and shit and he said, like, great weather, or something like that."
Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather."
Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake' was deliberate.
"This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, planned to use irony himself in future.
"I'm like saying it all the time." he said. "Weekend last I was like grilling steaks and I like burned them to shit and I said 'great weather'."

[Yeti]

good weather eh?

[Omegadrive]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

*********************************************
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

*********************************************
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

*********************************************
10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

*********************************************
Adam's New Organs

One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news."
''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

''The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.''

*********************************************
More later...