[Drakon]

Originally Posted by tastyweat

I was on an airplane one time and the pilot came on the PA to make the usual announcement... flying at 35,000 feet yada yada... then he put the mic down but forgot to turn it off... so the pilot and co-pilot were chatting away and the pilot said to the co-pilot....


"you know what I could do with right now? I great big blowjob and a cup of coffee"

The stewardess realises that the pilot has left the PA system turned on with this comment and rushes to the front of the plane to tell him it's still turned on... then a voice comes from the back of the plane...

"Don't forget the coffee, love!"

Haha, Good Will Hunting. Love that movie

[Drakon]

Originally Posted by ^_^

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Oh man, that's great...

[patje]

This guy comes to work with a blue eye.
His collegues note it right away and ask him:"What happend? did you get beat up?"
He answers:" no, my wife hit me with a frozen chicken "
a collegue: " A frozen chicken???, explain yourself "
He answers: "Well, you see, I noticed my wife standing before me "bend-over" at the freezer wearing this tiny scirt. honestly I couldn't resist, so I pulled up the scirt, pulled aside her slip, and started to... you know.. when suddenly my wife turned and hit me with this frozen chicken.
His collegues are kinda suprized by the story and one asks him: "doesn't she like that?"
"Yes" replied the man "but not at the k-markt"

[BWX]

Originally Posted by patje

"Yes" replied the man "but not at the k-markt"

Good one, LOL

[digerati]

A farmer decides that it’s time to replace the old rooster in his coop so brings a new one home with him. The new rooster struts up to the old rooster and tells him, “Your time is up old man, these hens are mine now.”

To which the old Rooster replies, “Alright son, but first I’d like to race you around the farm house one time, winner gets all.”

Seeing that the old rooster is probably a lot slower than he, the young rooster agrees and even offers the old rooster a head start. He old rooster takes off at a steady pace and as soon as he rounds the first corner the second rooster takes off after him. Slowly but surely the young rooster gains on the old rooster until just as their both passing the front porch of the farm house the young rooster is right on the old one’s tail. At that moment the farmer leaps up out of his rocking chair, picks up his rifle, and blows the head off the new rooster yelling, “Damn, third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”

[digerati]

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped a card and when he bent under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well yes, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.

She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 pm sharp. After paying her the agreed sum of $500,they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering said... "Did John come by the house
this afternoon?" A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,"And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Nacht]

Haha!

[Ript_Van_Winkle]

Ummm...uhhh...

PENIS!!!

[OldBuzzard]

An American walks into a pub in Scotland and sees this old guy at the bar.
He sits down and orders a drink.
The old guy turns around and says, "Do you see that wall over there?"
The American says "Ya, nice wall."
"I built that wall. Do they call me Angus the wall builder? Nae laddie they dinna.
And do you see that pier over there."
"Ahhhh, thats a lovely pier."
"I built that. But do they call me Angus the pier builder? Nae."
"I suppose not."
"And you see that house over there. I built that. But they don't call me Angus the house builder, do they?"
"I guess not."
"BUT YOU SHAG JUST ONE SHEEP........

[patje]

lol good one

here's another one:

This bicycle-lover wakes up early on sunday wanting to go and ride a few miles on his bicyle, quietly leaves his bed trying not to wake his wife. he goes to the garage and checks the tires of his bicycle, all good. He opens the door and sees there is a storm going on.
He's doubting... should I go or not. Maybe i'll check the news first. He goes in and turns on the tv to watch the weather forecast. The forecast is even worse. He decides to go back to his bed and wife.

As he enters the bed, he his wife is just waking up but is still sleepy.
"gosh" he sais " The weather is terrible "
she answers: " Yeah, can you believe my husband is out there on his bike"

[OldBuzzard]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes
the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table because
when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should
try electricians.
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I
like construction workers. Those guys always
understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when
he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians
are the easiest to operate on. There's
no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no
spine, and the head and the asshole are interchangeable

[Junkguy]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Junkguy]

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

[Junkguy]

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure youre about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[Drakon]

Haha, those are funny, junkguy...

[GutterPunk]

There is also Bobber poopie, the Small round poopies that come out like pebbles *see also pebble poopie

[Junkguy]

These are funny


True Newspaper Clippings

• 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
  
• AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
  
• SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
  
• FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
  
• 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
  
• TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
  
• COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
  
• 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
  
• STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
  
• FREE PUPPIES: COCKER SPANIEL - SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
  
• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
  
• SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
  
• GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
  
• FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
  
• FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
  
• FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
  
• NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE
  
• BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
  
• SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
  
• FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
  
• HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
  
• GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
  
• HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
  
• GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
  
• NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
  
• FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
  
• AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
  
• TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
  
• NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
  
• EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
  
• OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
  
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
  
• LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
  
• ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
  
• GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
  
• GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
  
• BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
  
• OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
  
• KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
  
• FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
  

[GutterPunk]

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB


Those are my favorites nice find

[Junkguy]

Cursing Fish
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".

[vince3425]

Thats Great!

[Nacht]

HAHAH! the pope is the man!

[Drakon]

good one, junkguy...

[Junkguy]

I hope you don't mind blonde jokes:


A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."