Little Old Lady and the Bank

Dyre Straits · Feb 12, 2004, 01:33 AM

"Subject: The Bank

The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a
96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

---------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer
be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons
as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client"

P.S. by Dyre: Not Sure if it's really true or not, but it's too funny to not pass along.