[Mac Daddy]

OK guys here it is .........

This thread has been created just so we can share some jokes here on DH ....
Keep in mind the Off Topic Rules [color=red]HERE.....[/color]

I'm sure some Dirty Jokes will be tolerated BUT lets NOT get CRAZY ......
I encourage reading and Posting of things that make us laugh

Let me start this off with a joke sent to me by my Dear mother ..........




Viagra ........

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husbands sex drive.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs.Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem,replies the doctor. Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it.
Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how things went."

......................

A week later, Mrs.Murphy calls the doctor, and he inquires as to how things went.
"Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging' fiercely!!!
He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off ...
And then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop for hours!!
It was terrible!"

....................

"What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no, doctor,the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in Tim Horton's again!!!

[kinetic]

You never know a man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get that shitty haircut?

[Mac Daddy]

That's pretty funny Kinetic ... thanks for sharing

Keep in mind guys(and gals) I started this thread just too lighten things up a bit
This SARS, Futuremark, NVidia, ATI ..... (Canada Mad Cow disease) wears us thin ........

Posting is not mandatory ...... But viewing is ........
(Just an idea I had to remove ourselves for a moment just for a laugh or a smile )

Have fun

[craig5320]

<img src=http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/backup.gif>

[Mac Daddy]

Hee Hee .......... Nice one Craig

[kinetic]

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

"If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

[Saint_K]

hehehe nice 1 dude

[Saint_K]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
That's pretty funny Kinetic ... thanks for sharing

Keep in mind guys(and gals) I started this thread just too lighten things up a bit
This SARS, Futuremark, NVidia, ATI ..... (Canada Mad Cow disease) wears us thin ........

Posting is not mandatory ...... But viewing is ........
(Just an idea I had to remove ourselves for a moment just for a laugh or a smile )

Have fun

Speaking about SARS....

[Vengeance]

A woman walks into the local drug store and goes up to the pharmacist and asks for some arsenic!
The pharmacist asks what in the world she would want arsenic for?
The woman replys to poison her cheating husband with!
Well the pharmacist replys that he cant give her the arsenic to kill her husband!
The woman reaches into her purse and pull out a picture of her husband screwing the pharmacist wife.
The pharmacist takes one look at the pic and says "Oh well you didn't tell me you had a prescription!

[Calinerti]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny?"

[Mac Daddy]

Looks like Friday night

Sorry Sir can I have another ???

[Mac Daddy]

Quoting the IMMORTAL George Carlin

How can you tell when a moth farts ???????


Another piece of trivia :

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb

Post your answers(You won't win anything ... But will be fun )

[Highwood]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy


How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb

Post your answers(You won't win anything ... But will be fun ) [/B]

Only one unless his name is Mac Daddy

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by Highwood
Only one unless his name is Mac Daddy

Nahh!!
But you got the attitude right BUD

Try Again ..........................................

[craig5320]

Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around saying, "I could have done that."

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by craig5320
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around saying, "I could have done that."

Close soooo Very Close Bud ..........
But still not the answer

This reminds me of another thread ... I hope Uber and I don't debate this until the sun comes up ... I have to work tomorrow

[craig5320]

It's the answer according to Google, depends how you tell it I suppose. I mean there's a million and one answers for "why did the chicken cross the road"

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by craig5320
It's the answer according to Google, depends how you tell it I suppose. I mean there's a million and one answers for "why did the chicken cross the road"

That's correct .......... I don't use google though ............ I have seen 2 answers would be fun to see more

Remember this is a joke thread
And I have my interpretation of this ....
So lets continue

And What did Google have to say about the Moth ????????

[Highwood]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Quoting the IMMORTAL George Carlin

How can you tell when a moth farts ???????

It flies strieght.

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by Highwood
It flies strieght.

He flies in a straight line ............ Ahh yes .......

[Calinerti]

Many of you will not find this funny at all. A few will find it hilarious.

.................

Two Belfast women are walking down the road. They walk past a shop with music playing out front. One says to the other, "Thats Nat King Cole!" The other one says, "Who is it then?"

.................

[Highwood]

A guy walks into his doctor’s office and explains to the doctor that he is very badly constipated. The doctor gives the man a prescription for some suppositories and tells him to take one 3 time a day for the next week. This guy isn’t very smart, doesn’t know what suppositories are, or how to take them, so three times a day for the next week he swallows a suppository with a glass of water. His constipation does not get any better so he goes back to the doctor. When he tells the doctor that he is still constipated the doctor asks him if he took the suppositories. The man replies “doctor for all the good those damn things did I may as well shoved them up my ass”.

[Mac Daddy]

[color=blue]You may be addicted to the Internet, if ...[/color]

You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher."

You put down your internet address when filling out your driver's license application.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You laugh at people with 14.4K-baud modems.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.

You have engaged to someone you've never actually met except through e-mail.

You introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby" and refer to your children
as "client applications".

You name your children Mosaic, Java and Eudora.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ... and your child in the overhead compartment.

Only communication in your household is through email.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...DSL...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of Web sites.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa but haven't spoken to your next-door neighbor yet this year.

You refer to your age as 3.x.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You really did ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

There is an I.V. stand next to your mini tower.

Choice between paying AOL bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids.

AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You have to install a second phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

You hide the bill from the spouse because you may have to sell the family car to pay it.

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.

You hire a housekeeper for your home page.

New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.

Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

Your household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.

You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.

You try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it at 44,000 BPS.

You get hundreds of comments posted for you at EBay.com.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.

You tell the taxi driver you live at "http://1100.sunset.ave/mansion/brick.htm"

You're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's new email address.

You try to pay the babysitter via electronic transfer or PayPal.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

When your car is crashing through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the Back button.

Your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

You want to meet someone new and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.

You double click your TV remote

You forget that you don't have to use your keyboard when using your telephone.

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You have more than 5 email addresses.

You set up a Web page for each of your kids.

Your dog has its own home page too.

You use more than 20 passwords.

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

If you can write a list like this.
Your SICK ...........

[fornicatarachnid]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, ...... "and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class.

"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said matter of factly:
" I think the man would have said:


"Well, fuck me! A talking pig!"

[toddsmack2k]

Originally posted by fornicatarachnid
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, ...... "and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class.

"And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said matter of factly:
" I think the man would have said:


"Well, fuck me! A talking pig!"

LMAO sorry that one just hit the spot at the moment. HEY Mac Daddy that last long one post is still a classic

[tragic]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[kinetic]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[Mac Daddy]

Hey some good ones guys ... kinetic .. highwayman ..

And Toddsmack I agree ROFL ... Forny's got me too haa haa

So anyway I guess its my turn again ...
Some old Robin Williams:

Too much too drink ??
"You know you have an alcohol problem when you wake up naked in front of your car ... with your keys in your ASS ... Sorry officer just a little flooded"

Reformed alcoholic ??
"I'm a reformed alcoholic ... I'm still the same ASSHOLE ... I just have fewer dents in my CAR"

Cheers

[jkayca2]

Something that floated into my inbox a couple of weeks ago....

At Denver International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to
be a university professor from Boulder, Colorado, was arrested trying to
board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a
graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

[merry]

A priest walked into a barber shop. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a politician came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 politicians in front of the door.