[Vengeance]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, ''Oh my
God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't
matter," she says. "Just get the hell out....."

[Vengeance]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear
wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy
with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be
home before midnight."-- Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for
him that read as follows: "Dear husband, You too are 54 years old,
and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant
mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait
up."--Your Wife.

[Mac Daddy]

Hey my MOM Emailed me this ...............
So for the gals on DH ....... It's not sexist ...... Just funny
(although our female members have a great sense of humor anyway)


MEN'S RULES

We're always hearing about "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Edit Note: Damn forwarded Emails l

[the_penguin]

Three southern belles were sippin' their lemonade under a big magonlia tree on a hot summer day.

The first belle says: "Well, when i had my first child, my husband bought me a Mercedes-Benz."
The second belle says: "When i had my first child, my husband bought me a Corvette."
The third belle says: "Well, that's nice...."

A few glasses of lemonade later...

The first belle says: "Well, when i had my second child, my husband sent me to the Virgin Islands."
The second belle says: "Well, when i had my second child, my husband sent me to Hawaii."
The third belle says: "Well, that's nice...."

The first and second belle looked at one another and then the first one asked the third one.
"Well, what did your husband do after you had your first child?"

Third belle says: "Well, when i had my first child, my husband sent me to finishing school, and they taught me there to say 'Well, that's nice' instead of 'fuck you'.

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by the_penguin
Three southern belles were sippin' their lemonade under a big magonlia tree on a hot summer day.

The first belle says: "Well, when i had my first child, my husband bought me a Mercedes-Benz."
The second belle says: "When i had my first child, my husband bought me a Corvette."
The third belle says: "Well, that's nice...."

A few glasses of lemonade later...

The first belle says: "Well, when i had my second child, my husband sent me to the Virgin Islands."
The second belle says: "Well, when i had my second child, my husband sent me to Hawaii."
The third belle says: "Well, that's nice...."

The first and second belle looked at one another and then the first one asked the third one.
"Well, what did your husband do after you had your first child?"

Third belle says: "Well, when i had my first child, my husband sent me to finishing school, and they taught me there to say 'Well, that's nice' instead of 'fuck you'.

Thats pretty funny ........ Don't I know you from somewhere

[Mac Daddy]

The World According to Steven Wright

* I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
* What's another word for "thesaurus"?
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
* When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
* I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
* I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
* I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
* I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
* I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
* I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
* I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
* I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
* I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
* I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
* Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
* My school colors were clear.
* I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
* I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
* When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
* My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
* I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
* My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
* He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
* Hermits have no peer pressure.
* Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
* There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
* Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
* Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
* I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
* I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
* I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
* It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
* Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
* I'm a peripheral visionary.
* I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
* Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
* The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
* Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

[Mac Daddy]

Steven Wright Jokes
Once upon a time I got this in the mail, someone had collected them and sent them out, and they bounced around the net for a while.

Much cooler than this is the "Give me a random Steven Wright Quote" link which I stumbled across on the web. There are more quotes in that database than on this list.

In case you've never seen him, Steven Wright is a stand up comedian who delivers all his jokes as a series of absolutely dead pan no expression statements. So imagine these statements being made in a quiet, almost monotone delivery ...

Enjoy

The Jokes
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."

"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."

"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I lost a button hole today."

"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."

"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."

"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."

"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."

"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."

"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".

One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.

I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!

(Ad he did for a local student radio station Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."

I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

You can't have everything...Where would you put it?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Dennis." I said, "Hello, Dennis. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

[Mac Daddy]

Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...

I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...

And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

[jkayca2]

Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.

[jkayca2]

You know you're Canadian when...

1.. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"

2.. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette,
I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield."

3. You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!

4. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap
place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

5. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

6. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

7. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

8. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a
Celtic musical group.

9. You get excited whenever an American television show
mentions Canada

10. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carey,
Celine Dion, Pamela Lee and Mike Meyers are Canadians.

11 .You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian.

12.. You know what a toque is.

13. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2
pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

15. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter,
winter, still winter and road work.

16. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

17. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

18. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan."

19. You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey
Night in Canada."

20. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

21. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to
all of your Canadian friends!!!!

And then you send them to your American friends just to
confuse them still.

[Mac Daddy]

Canadian ........ hmmmmmmmm ..... I like you already

[the_penguin]

In light of the Martha Stewart (what ever you want to call it) I thought this would be interesting to post.
Enjoy...


Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in
the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
the cone, for Pete's
sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your
feet up eating it
anyway.

*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your
pancake batter onto the
hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes
every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the
microwave for 30 seconds.
The hard part is getting them out of the plastic
bag.

*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding,
place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep
it in the pantry for up to a year.

*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from
cracking, add a pinch of salt to
the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to
take the shells off
anyway?

*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh
lemons, bring them to
room temperature and roll them under your palm
against the kitchen counter
before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the
mattress and box springs.

*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from
your skillet, simply
add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to
cover bottom of pan, and
bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid
cooking.

*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before
pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be
any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't
be any leftovers.

*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for
flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be
any white mess on the
outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it
for you.

*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a
dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb
the excess salt for an
instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't
care how bad it tastes.

*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over
pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: Mrs. Paul's directions don't include
brushing egg whites over the
crust and so I don't do it.

*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened
brown sugar to soften
it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add
a pinch of sugar to help
bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is
fresh, immerse it in a pan
of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh,
but if it rises to the
surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you
feel bad later, you will
know it wasn't fresh.

*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime,
cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a
lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in
your eye, and then the
problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because
you are now blind.

*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover
wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening
jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off
your fingers. Just
slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse
with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
antibacterial soap in the
handy dispenser next to my sink.

*****
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka
Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,
wait twenty minutes,
brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent
action clean vitreous China.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom
of a glass vase or cruet,
fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets
into a glass of water and
immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with
water, drop in four
Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or
longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the
toilet. Add some
Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of
problems at once.

[the_penguin]

I've seen this...but worth repeating so it makes us feel better.


Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a
burned out section of forest while assessing the damage
done by a forest fire.
The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit,
complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and
face mask.

A post-mortem revealed that the person died not
from burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a
fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the
person went for a diving trip off the coast some
20 miles from the forest.
The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as
quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with
very large dip buckets.
Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown
to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it.

One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a
fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998


STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?


A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio
and his wife was in the kitchen.

The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle
when it accidentally slipped into gear.
The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was
dragged through the glass patio doors and along
with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside
the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining
room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut
and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and
the shattered patio door.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned the
ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife
went down the several flights of stairs to the street
to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the
man to the hospital, the wife uprighted the
motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife
got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and
threw the towels in the toilet.

The man was treated and released to come home.

Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered
patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat
down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.

After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between
his legs into the toilet bowl while seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud
explosion and her husband screaming.
She ran into the bathroom and found her husband
lying on the floor.
His trousers had been blown away and he was
suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs,
and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the
ambulance.

The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and
the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on to the
stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing
so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the
stretcher, dumping the husband out.

He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Taken from a Florida Newspaper.


Still having a bad day?


Just remember, it could be worse. . . . .


1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000.
At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them
both.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out
her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag
him constantly and study his reactions.

After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her
with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.


3. A woman came home to find her husband in the
kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like
a wire running from his waist towards the electric
kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two
places.

Until that moment he had been happily listening to
his Walkman.


4. Two animal right protesters were protesting at
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn Germany.
Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them,
escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death.


And finally. . . . . . .

5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits.


Your day's not so bad, is it. . .

[jkayca2]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Canadian ........ hmmmmmmmm ..... I like you already

Glad you liked the jokes. This is my most favourite thread going on DriverHeaven.

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by jkayca2
Glad you liked the jokes. This is my most favourite thread going on DriverHeaven.

Mine as well(shhhhhhh!!)
This thread is a success because of great peeps like yourself getting involved .. THX for sharing

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

WHY???

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here"... What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button – as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?







********************


Top 5 List of Things NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

) Thirsty?

4) Where did the extra set of arms come from?

3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?

2) So what ARE the characteristics of hermaphroditism?

1) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

Of course, the REAL #1 thing not to say is:

1) Honey, I've submitted a joke about your ultrasound to rec.humor.funny ...





******************************

Top 3 Signs Your
Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient


Not only do women say they'd rather be dead than sleep with you, two actually set themselves on fire to make their point.

When you try to head the soccer ball, it just sticks there.

You easily thwart vampires with the garlic smell emanating from your underwear.



*********************************

The Top 14 Signs Your SUV Is Too Damn Big
(Part I)




Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."

Before go you out, you have to file for a parade permit.

You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Savior S-Class.

It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into its orbit.

There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back seat.

It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.

It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.

You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.

Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.

Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.

When you pull up to the pharmacy window, they already have the package of extra small condoms bagged and ready to go.

You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately.

Due to new military intel that has narrowed the search down to the inside of your vehicle, President Bush remains confident that Osama Bin Laden will someday be found.

and the Number 1 Sign Your SUV Is Too Damn Big...


The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.



***************
Sixty Amazing-but-True Facts!




In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.

The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.

The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.

Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises.

Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch.

Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.

The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.

The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.

The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and there's no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.

Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say "gesundheit" to a sneezer was never repealed.

Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to speak like humans, but don't do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.

SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.

Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.

Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam.

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.

The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.

The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.

You *can* get blood from a stone, but only if contains at least 17 percent bauxite.

Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.

Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.

The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver.

The sport of jai alai originated from a game played by Incan priests who held cats by their tails and swung at leather balls. The cats would instinctively grab at the ball with their claws, thus enabling players to catch them.

A cat's purr has the same romance-enhancing frequency as the voice of singer Barry White.

The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.

The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.

King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe.

Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.

In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.

Touch-tone telephone keypads were originally planned to have buttons for Police and Fire Departments, but they were replaced with * and # when the project was cancelled in favor of developing the 911 system.

Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.

Calvin, of the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy.

Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than watching a three-hour baseball game.

Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.

You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.

To human taste buds, Zima is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine.

Seven out of every ten hockey-playing Canadians will lose a tooth during a game. For Canadians who don't play hockey, that figure drops to five out of ten.

A dog's naked behind leaves absolutely no bacteria when pressed against carpet.

A team of University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice of picking one's nose, claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social connotations.

Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is reportedly an avid reader.

Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.

At the first World Cup championship in Uruguay, 1930, the soccer balls were actually monkey skulls wrapped in paper and leather.

Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas.

If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.

Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.

Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs.

Centuries ago, purchasing real estate often required having one or more limbs amputated in order to prevent the purchaser from running away to avoid repayment of the loan. Hence an expensive purchase was said to cost "an arm and a leg."

When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five gold Krugerrands in his small intestine.

Aardvarks are allergic to radishes, but only during summer months.

Coca-Cola was the favored drink of Pharaoh Ramses. An inscription found in his tomb, when translated, was found to be almost identical to the recipe used today.

If you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian.

When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby.

In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France propaganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of metal.

Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.

Napoleon's favorite type of wood was knotty chestnut.

The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.

Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.

In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.

It is nearly three miles farther to fly from Amarillo, Texas to Louisville, Kentucky than it is to return from Louisville to Amarillo.

The "nine lives" attributed to cats is probably due to their having nine primary whiskers.

The original inspiration for Barbie dolls comes from dolls developed by German propagandists in the late 1930s to impress young girls with the ideal notions of Aryan features. The proportions for Barbie were actually based on those of Eva Braun.

The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

The Top 13 Reasons to Go to Work Naked




Your boss is always yelling "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

You want to see if it's like the dream.

So that -- with a little help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.

People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

Because setting the nation's monetary policy and keeping Andrea Mitchell satisfied requires a delicate balance.

Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.

and the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...


Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town.

***********************

The Top 17 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped




You've got Windows on your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Your dork is ajar.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

I can see your Gap dancers.

Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

Elvis Junior has left the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir.

Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!

Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.

You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I see you have an opening in senior management.

and the Number 1 Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped...


Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

***********************************

The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
(Part I)




"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

and TopFive's Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...


"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

**********************************
The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
(Part II)




"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

"Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."

"Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."

"Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"

"Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"

"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

"Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"

"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

"Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"

"Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"

"That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"

"You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."

"Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support."

"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"

"No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?"

and TopFive's Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...


"I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too

***********************
The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana




Got Buzz?

Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All

A Day Without Pot is Like School

Weed My Lips!

Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!

What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?

Obey Your Jones

Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff

It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!

Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime

Official Sponsor of the NBA

Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up!

Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke

This is your brain.
This is your brain on pot.
This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.

When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?

SMOKE POT! (Did We Just Say That Out Loud? Or Did We Just Think It?)

Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads

Just Doob It

It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

and the Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...


Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless

***************************

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight




Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

Always lands on her spleen.

Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.

Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

"Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.

Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.

Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...


Has more chins than lives.

********************************
The Top 15 Signs Your Online Romance Is Bogus




Keeps suggesting that you demonstrate the depth of your devotion to each other by exchanging credit card numbers.

His IM messages are chockablock with correct grammar usage and impeccable spelling.

Subject: "Handsome Nigerian Prince Needs Your Help To Deliver 45M US Kisses"

Given LonelyXPOTUS42@aol.com's desperate, cheesy come-ons, it's gotta be fake... right?

She claims to be both a pop superstar *and* a virgin.

She keeps saying she knows an all-natural, healthy way to increase your manly length by five to ten inches.

Says your engagement ring is available "FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!!"

Small trouble: refers to self in third person. Big trouble: alternates between "he" and "she."

Strange that a Victoria's Secret model can get so worked up over a "Star Wars" vs. "Star Trek" debate.

Your best friend is also involved with an animated paper clip. Could there be two?

"... and then I started Top5, which has brought me international fame and millions of dollars. So what do you do?"

He's the third astrophysicist this week to ask you to forward a picture of your boobs.

Responds to your e-mails with "Are you the Nykeela who's 25 and like walks along the beach or the Nykeela who's so hot she makes the sun seem like a flickering candle?"

"Hello, $RECIPIENT_NAME, you're like no other $GENDER I've ever met. I think I'm falling in $EMOTION with you!"

and the Number 1 Sign Your Online Romance Is Bogus...


Your 17-year-old hottie slips up and mentions how bad it was in Nam.
***********************************
The Top 16 Signs Your Dog
Is No Longer Your Best Friend




You find him taking notes as he rereads "Cujo" for the umpteenth time.

You originally threw a stick, but he comes back carrying a restraining order.

He refuses to give any more self-licking lessons.

Your best kitchen knife disappeared and *someone* has signed up for a correspondence course in neutering.

Those Invisible Fence guys are measuring your bedroom.

Last night he kept hitting on all the hotties even though it was his turn to be the wingman.

Hid your cane and now constantly leads you into lampposts and heavy traffic.

Bites you if you don't finish his belly rubs with a "happy ending."

Refuses to play with the ugly dog in the park while you hit on her cute owner -- unless you pay him. In cash.

Buries your car keys in the back yard -- along with your car.

You fill his dish with Kibbles 'n Bits; he fills your shoes with Piddles 'n Shits.

No longer chases off Jehovah's Witnesses; in fact, now he drags them home from other neighborhoods.

He chewed your leg off before humping it last time.

These days he only gives you the initials of the people he wants you to kill.

The only thing he'll fetch is the toaster, and only while you're bathing.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Dog Is No Longer Your Best Friend...


Throws your son Timmy into the well.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

The Top 15 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver


You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.

You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.

After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown Basra.

You've racked up so many points on your driver's license that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your next vehicular manslaughter conviction.

Every year, Italy issues you a driver's license.

Awarding you the best actress Oscar for "Monster's Ball" was just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines.

You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.

After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."

Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.

Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht after you.

Whenever you go out, your friends make you the "designated drunk."

You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.

The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.

The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.

and the Number 1 Sign You May Be a Bad Driver...


Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.

*****

The Top 20 Things You
Seldom Hear Rappers Say


"Do these pants come in a smaller size?"

"Just a Fresca for me, thanks."

"Can't hang out, man. Gotta take little Timmy here to ballet class."

"Let's go with the plain white enamel crown, please."

"Oops, my briefs are showing!"

"Coco Chanel always said to look in the mirror before leaving the house and remove at least one piece of jewelry."

"Ain't no such thing as 'too much banjo.'"

"Hey, you're going to damage the needle doing that! Just let it play!"

"Who's up for 'Pictionary'?"

"I'm just sayin', dogg, superstring theory may be the only beeyotch steppin' up right now as the possible grand unified theory of physics, but until we can experimentally verify that it be the shizznit, I ain't down wit it, cuz."

"Man, turn that bass down. I can scarcely hear myself think!"

"No... thank YOU, officer. I believe I *have* learned a valuable lesson this time."

"We don't use potty talk in *this* house, little mister!"

"This Zima is the shiznizzle, but two is my limit."

"Now THAT'S good matzo!"

"We can't record it this way, with all of these grammatical errors -- for gosh sakes, we're role models!"

"I disagree, Kyle. Yanni could kick Tesh's ass."

"Calgon, take me away!"

"Heavens to Betsy, ladies! Cover those booties immediately! You'll catch your death of cold!!"

and the Number 1 Thing You Seldom Hear Rappers Say...


"Now wave your hands in the air like you're trying to catch fireflies on a warm Cape Cod summer evening!"


******
You might be anal-retentive if...

you eat the M&Ms in color order.
you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
From Miranda:
you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use.
and they're all facing the front.
all you books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order.
you require no less than 200 threads per inch on your sheets.
...and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
you alphabetize your spices.
you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millenium hasn't begun yet (or that it *has* begun).
you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric.
you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or gramatically correct.
you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle.
you collect the little postcards in magazine issues...
...for recycling.
every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker...
...and you correct the original message.
you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme"

*******

You might be an AOL newbie if...


you can't surf without a keyword.
you expect family friendly chat in every chat room.
you're spending almost as much for dial-up service as some people pay for a cable modem service.
you don't know how to use the at-sign to address e-mail.
you think everyone who accesses the internet has AOL.

*********

You might be a caffeine addict if...


you think sleep is for the weak.
you've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so "the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend"
you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
you have a website about caffeine
you're on a first name basis with Juan Valdez
your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
your heart rate is always in triple digits.
you know from experience caffeine tablets don't dissolve in cola.
you wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
you can name the five flavors of JOLT.
you have a mini-fridge under your desk... and a catheter.
you drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.
you ask, "Sleep? What's that?"
you go to the doctor because you're afraid there might be blood in your Mountain Dew stream.
every coffee company wants to have your picture on their packs of coffee powder. (your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
your wife asked you to buy milk, bread and butter and you heard "buy coffee, coffee and coffee." your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee." )
your child's name is Nescafe.
Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.you've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
you regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
you have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands "JOLT" and "COLA"
your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
you go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
you've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
you've ever knelt and prayed before a Starbuck's logo.
your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.
you can't remember the last time you blinked.
you have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
if you have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent.
you have dark brown colored hair but you are a natural blonde and have never dyed it. the dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
your dog's name is Folgers.
you see nothing wrong with using water joe (the caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
you believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep
it's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
you have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
you'd rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning. (Caffeine withdrawal is a real headache.)
you've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
you've given up sex, TV, and all forms of meat for Lent before, but STILL can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
you could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
you suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.
you dip espresso beans.


******************

You might be a computer geek if...

when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm Graffiti characters. (Scott K. McGrath)
you think (x<<6)+(x<<4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80. ( ck )
you've gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car. ( ck )
you know what a router is, and you know what a bit is, but you've never heard of a router bit. ( ck )
you know the square root of 65536 is 256 without having to do the math. ( ck )
you consider 65536 and 256 "nice round numbers". ( ck )
...and you *always* put the period outside the quotes, since you're not quoting the end of the sentence...what the hell do english majors know, anyway. ( ck )
you see a good-looking girl and you DESPERATELY want her e-mail address so you can get to know her.
you wake up and realize that your sleep pattern has been following an algorithm.
your computer chair has the permanent and stiff indentation of your butt in it.
the only tan you've ever acquired comes from your monitor.
you have assembled your own Linux distribution, and re-wrote some of the more inefficient code, just for fun. ( Hmmm... it's a thought... )
every time someone says "I like iMacs" you get mad and shout out "So you only go for the looks, do you? Superficial guy! The inner qualities are what's important, not the looks! Beauty is only skin-deep!"
when asked if you have more than one hard drive, you answer "In which computer?"
you postpone your moving date so your computers can set new uptime records.
given the choice between a T3 and a date with a good looking guy/girl, you'd take the T3.
you've ever been successful at catching a spammer.
you call sex with your cute girlfriend "CuteFTP."
you spend more time changing settings in Windows 98 than using it.
you dream of high-end computers instead of beautiful girls.
you get angry when someone says they own a Pentium IV processor.
your friends have a club with the word .com in it.
you almost get in a fight when a small child says there is no internet.
you think everyone should have an opinion about Bill Gates.
you refer to having sex as setting up a LAN!
you refer to going to the toilet as "extracting to the temp folder" and flushing the toilet as "deleting the temp folder".
you refer to eating and drinking as uploading!
you understand and find www.ircnews.com funny.
you've ever passed notes at school in binary.
you regard the "User Friendly" virus as a good thing.
you've had an article appear at segfault.org.
you've figured out how to crash Windows NT on a 128MB system, using only Internet Explorer and Notepad.
you snicker whenever someone asks how much memory is needed for Windows NT to run smoothly.
you go into a computer store and takeover a discussion for a salesman on the specs and merits of a computer while he site there nodding as you make the sale.
you've ever written a useless program just for the "fun" of it.
...or you prefer writing useless programs.
a 23 GB HD, color laser, four 128MB DIMMs, and a 21" monitor would beat out Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cameron Diaz, Heather Graham, and Cindy Crawford.
you can actually read the error message details when a Windows program has a problem.you spend more time chatting on-line in one day then you do in a week's worth of actual conversation with people face-to-face.
there are two magazines in front of you, the newest issue of PC Magazine and the other a porno. And you choose the PC mag over the porno.
you refer to using the bathroom as downloading.
the number of computers in your house exceeds the number of relationships you've had in your lifetime.
if you HAS A job or you IS A human being. (this one might be above the heads of a few computer geeks, too.)
...and you didn't correct the grammar of that last item.
if (DEC 25 = OCT 31) means true to you.
your computer costs more and runs better than your car
your watch is set to GMT. Always. (After all, it's the only time that makes logical sense.)
in real life, you tell people to go to http://www.hell.com/
when you're reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it. (Dave Tibbs)
you have the Linux Penguin sitting on your monitor
... and you know the penguin's name.
everytime you go to write a note, you put your hands on your desk, as if looking for a keyboard to type it on. (Miko)
you've ever debated the merits of the FVWM95 window manager...
...with yourself.
you're grossly offended that anyone would want to make their Linux box work anything like Windows 95.
you wake up wondering which directory you're in.
you set up your old computer next to your new one 2 months ago so that you could transfer files and you've been using them "both" since. (
you have more computers now than you've had relationships in your lifetime.
your wallpaper is made up of Linux code.
your favorite pasttime is IRC on Saturday nights.
your computer is set for Dvorak... but your keyboard is actually a qwerty.
...you know what Dvorak and Qwerty refer to.
you have a PC for every person in the house, and still think you need one more. What if one goes down!? (Laura Goodwin, LaLaura@nospam.cyberzone.net)
you salivate when you hear the word, "upgrade"
instead of laughing you say "El-Oh-El!"
you have actually heard someone do this in real life.
...and you actually understood what it meant.
you dream in code.
what Be OS is, you have an opinion about it.
you want to be the first one on your block to be wet-wired.
you dual boot because you want to be able to play some of them there cool new games. you bought a super socket-7 motherboard, not because you really needed it, but because you got it for only 40.00 via an online auction. Now you have a reason to build that extra computer you don't really need. (Laura Goodwin)
to you, the word "scuzzy" is sexy. (Laura Goodwin)
your girlfriend kisses you on the neck and you think "uh oh, priority interupt!".
you and the campus Unix Sysadmin have a geek contest.
...and you win.
you check your e-mail before you brush your teeth in the morning.
you believe Unix/Linux is the most superior operating system out there
you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them...
...and you can justify the advantages of doing so.
...or you actually reply to the note.
you can program in more languages than you can speak.
you refer to your computer as a friend.
you can talk to your computer without being sarcastic or raising your voice.
you talk to your computer the way most people talk to their significant other.
you use old CD-ROMs as coasters...
...and you've collected a matching set for every room in your house.
with the exception of the blood-sucking part, you have the same basic characteristics as a vampire.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

101 Uses for AOL Disks


101 Uses for AOL Disks (I couldn't resist posting a copy...)

Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case...the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Bookmark.
Mini frisbee.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Dart board.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
Conversation piece for coffee table.
Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
Clay pigeons for target practice.
Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Firewood.
Bird house.
Paper weights.
Pen holders (make a box without a top).
Post it-notes holder.
Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon --actually works).
Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.
Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
Hand them out as party favors.
Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?)
Vertical blinds.
Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
Bench press weights (I can press 120).
Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
Brake shoes.
House insulation.
Recycle them for the scrap metal.
Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
Hockey Puck.
Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk...makes the perfect pet.
Poker chips.
Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
Dental floss (use actual disk).
Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
Use them to fill potholes.
Hood ornament.
Snow blower replacement blades.
Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
Rubik's cube case (make into box).
Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who piss you off.
Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
Pocket protector
They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Wax scraper for snowboards.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under
water.
Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas....)
Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).
Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

***********************

66 signs you've been in the band too long.

When you hear music and you start marking time.
When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.
When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
When all your friends are in the band.
When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.
When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.
When you like wearing your uniform.
When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"
When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
When someone hits a wrong note and you chew them out for an hour.
When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
When people worry when they see you without you instrument.
When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
When band camp is FUN.
When you answer to "Band Nerd."
When someone says the words "atten hut" and you automatically put your head up.
When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
When your mouth is frozen to your mouth piece, and it feels normal.
When left slides or right back slides feel normal.
When your instrument has a name.
When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.
When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.
When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
When you give your instrument a birthday party.
When you can make white shoes look black.
When your uniform fits.
When black feathers become a fashion "do".
When you see your section more than you see your family.
When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want to kill the other band.
When you have dreams about early morning marching band.
When you think morning practices should start a half-hour earlier.
When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
When you CAN sight-read.
When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.
When reeds taste good.
When you have a band song stuck in your head, and you tap your foot to the beat.
When you think your plume is alive.
When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
When numbers past 8 aren't important.
When you're more opinionated about the Madison vs. American Fork Bands than the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch.
When you'd rather practice than read this list.
When letters past G aren't important.
When the only class you look forward to is band.
When you actually like marching band and would kill to do it all year long.
When you wonder what life would be like if you weren't in band.
When you roll step while you walk to class.
When you major in music.
When you use your high school band director as a role model.
When those stupid "band humor" jokes are the funniest things you've ever heard.
When you pick the instruments from the music in cartoons.
When you start screaming "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" to the people that walk in front of you on the way to class.
When you've dated everyone in the band and now wonder if you're ever going to have another date.
When you think the trumpeters have a right to be egotistical.
When you don't think the flutist have a slight attitude problem.
When you change your instrument to the tuba.
When you have perfect pitch.
When the band director is always right.
When you marry that special someone in your section.
When you have kids and force them to be in music.
When you get the jokes on this list.
when you aren't sure which is more dangerous a girl with a flag or a guy with a gun!

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Top Ten: Things That Sound Dirty at the Office But Aren't

10. I need to whip it out by 5!

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Put it in my box before I leave.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!

5. HMMMMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!


*************

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good.
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

*********************

Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving But Aren't
10. Reach in and grab the giblets.
9. Whew... that's one terrific spread!
8. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
6. Talk about a huge breast!
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone."
4. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
3. It's cool whip time!
2. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
1. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.


**********************
You might be a Trekkie if...

any of your children are named after any character.
you go out looking for Star Wars fans to beat up.
you try to figure out the diference between warp, transwarp, and slipstream...
you know today's stardate.
you lecture your physics professor on how warp drive works.
you know who Minuet is.
you can (and do) whistle the Next Generation theme song while you work.
you can list all the Ferengi rules for acquisition.
you major in Physics in college to try to understand how warp drive works. ( cyberfan@gmx.net )
you know the proper Vulcan greeting and response.
you talk Klingon with your friends.
you've been to KLI.org .
...you created the KLI.org site .
...you've submitted corrections to KLI.org .
you actually know that the prime directive isn't "to boldly go where no man has gone before" and what it actually is.
you know who Barkeley is and what happened to him.
you're certain that the shooting star you just saw was an exploding borg cube.
you and any of your friends have a discussion over which is more correct "Trekkies or Trekkers." you actually saw the movie "Trekkies" in the theater.
...or boycotted the movie theater showing it.
you've built a life size replica of Captain Pike's wheel chair.
you've ever pulled the legs of your hamster because you always wanted a tribble.
Nurse Chapel / Deanna Troi / Beverly Crusher / Dax is your Dream Woman.
...if you asked "which one?" to the last one.
...if you came name more than 10 females that I missed.
you know who Ashley Judd is, because of her appearance on The Next Generation.
you can name the bridge crew for the original series.
you can name the members of each bridge crew and their rank for the Next Generation series.
you can name the bridge crew, their rank, and their species for Voyager.
you know the different classes of starships.
you also know the top warp speed, inertial damper tolerances, and standard weaponry of each class.
you own a Star Fleet manual...
you read The Physics of Star Trek and came up with counter arguments to the mentions of General Relativity as it applies to Star Trek.
you've had more Gene Roddenberry sightings than the Enquirer has had Elvis sightings.
you've ever worn a pair of Vulcan Ears..

*****************
You might be a slacker if...


you have learned to use the TV remote control with your feet because the coffee table is too far from the couch.
every morning, the first words out of your mouth are, "Mom, I'm too sick to go to school today!" ...and you're 32 years old and out of high school.
when there's nothing on TV you channel surf for a half an hour or until new shows come on
you consider room service the old sandwich next to your closet.
you actually quit work because it caused you to wake up.
you have no problem wearing the same underwear 2 weeks straight.
every semester in college, you choose a course that you designate as a "skip" class--meaning, if there isn't a test that day, you skip class.
it's Thursday morning and the third week of the semester... you're taking 14 hours of classes... you've only been to one class so far this week, and that's the one you slept through.
you have somehow managed to get paid for just surfing the web at work.
you spend more time figuring out the least amount of work required to get a certain grade than you do studying.
you've shrugged your shoulders at every item on this list.
you're getting paid to go to school, and you still sleep in almost every class.

***********************

Signs that you're addicted to the Internet

Your modem is broken. You feel frustrated. You try to connect by calling your ISP and mimic the modem sounds.
You succeed!

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark file takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
a word processor.com.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when they left.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has his/her own home page.

You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.

You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
work to do" and you don't even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail... they just log on to your
IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
useless.

You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...
because you never log off.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what day/year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack
for "surfing the net".

Your wife says communication is important in marriage...so you
buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two
of you can chat.

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency
Act.

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

******************************
Stupid computer users questions

Q : How do I format a cd-rom ?
A : From the DOS-prompt type Format C:, answer Yes to any following questions.

Q : Where do I need to save documents on my harddisk ?
A : C:\It\Doesnt\Matter\Where\You\Save\It\You\Wont\Rem ember\It\Tomorrow looks like the
perfect directory for it.

Q : What does formatting drive C: mean ?
A : An increase in productivity with 300 %

Q : Can I copy the Internet to my own computer ?
A : Yes, but remember to create a Zip-file first.

Q : I can't mail to titfuckers@195.60.28.14\\http://www.eroticconfessions.com, why ?
A : Your mailservers' IP-address isn't compatible with your sexual preferences.

Q : It says on my screen press F1 to continue, I've pressed the F and the 1 key several times
but nothing happens. What's wrong ?
A : You.

Q : Why do I need a printer to print something ?
A : Actually, you don't, you can also use the back-up drivers PAPER.DRV and PENCIL.DRV

Q : Can I use this keyboard together with my Sony Playstation ?
A : Sure, remove the cover from your Playstation and touch the wires
marked with "High Voltage/Do not touch", that should do the trick.

Q : Huh, I forgot my password again, can you reset it for me ?
A : Yep, your new password is YgGdraiShYll@&&5!§, you will not be able
to change it for the next 7 billion years.

Q : How do I know if my computer is Year2000 compliant ?
A : If your computer sometimes crashes without any apparent reason it
isn't Y2K compliant and it will probably die in the Year2000.

Q : How do I get rid of virus XYZ ?
A : Make a cocktail of orange-juice, mango, grapefruit kiwi and olive-oil and add vitamin C
according to taste. You can also use Head & Shoulders with active balm for lightdark hair.
Pour this over your monitor and computer, now boot the system. The smoke and funny smell
you'll notice are normal, they simply indicate that the virus has been killed successfully.

Q : How can I limit the amount of space needed when storing documents to disk ?
A : There are several solutions for this issue. Typealltextwithoutanyspaces, use a smaller
fontsize (1 or 2 should do it) or use lots of abbreviations (I lv u 2 y sck fckng bstrd).

Q : Saving my documents takes a long time, can I speed up this process ?
A : No problem, after you've finished typing your document press Ctrl+Alt+Del two times.
It will work like a charm.

Q : Who should be the recipients of my mails ?
A : Put as many people as humanly possible in the To-field of your mailprogram. The sky is
the limit, everybody likes to know what you have to say. Look at it like sending a postcard
from a holiday destination, it's great to know that you're having fun while we are sitting
in the rain and have to go to work every day. Be extra careful when sending chainletters
because people love those a lot, they will be forever grateful to you. Pictures from girls
with huge breasts are also perfect for sending to your friends, they can use them in
Powerpoint presentations, Word documents and even spice up those boring monthly sales
figures spreadsheets. Don't bother to compress in JPEG-format, the bigger the attachments
are the better ! Also don't forget to create a cool signature file, also here the saying
goes the bigger the better. Signatures should at least be three times bigger than
your actual message. Don't bother to use a spellchecker, people like to read typos,
especially if they come from somebody with your intellect.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Tongue Twisters



Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
It only doubles trouble, and troubles others, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We wonder whether the wether will weather the wheather,
Or whether the weather the wether will kill?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much would wood would a wood-chuck chuck
If a wood-chuck would chuck wood?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Auf der Liebsreise
sprach der Leibesriese
"Reib es, Liese".
Und sie rieb es leise.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

De Meid snijdt recht en de knecht snijdt scheef.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seven slippery striped snakes slide swiftly down a snowy ski-slope.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

De spaanse prins spreekt prima spaans

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm not the pheasant plucker
I'm the pheasant pluckers mate
And I'm only plucking pheasants
'cause the pheasant plucker's late"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zeven zaventemse zotten zullen zes zomerse zondagen zwemmen zonder zwembroek.
Zuster zaliger zei : "Ze zijn zeker zot , ze zullen zinken!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Keizer Karel's kleinste kind kakte kleine kromme keutels

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unique New York

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Big Black Bug, Spit Big Black Blood
On a Big Barn Floor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three Grey Geese in a Green Field Grazing
Grey were the Geese, and Green was the Grazing

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Als een potvis in een pispot pist dan heb je pispot vol met potvispis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fluffy Tom was a turkey.
Fluffy Tom had no feathers.
Fluffy Tom wasn't fluffy was he?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copper kettles carry comfort,
killing cough and cold,
tinkers take their turn at tea
until their tales are told.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tots toying with toxic toys get totaled.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Youths seek truth with sex sleuth Ruth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How much dope could a dope dealer deal if a dope dealer could deal dope.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cher shot Sharif, the shoddy city sheriff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People who write on bathroom walls,
roll there shit in little balls,
those people who read these bits of wit,
eat those little balls of shit

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man who shits the smallest,
lives to shit another day.
Man who shits the largest,
just gets blown away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ik mix mijne whiskey met een whiskey-mixer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What to do to die today at a minute or two till two.
A thing distinctly hard to say but harder yet to do.
For they beat a tatoo at a quarter till two with a
ratatat ratatat ratatatoo.
And the dragon will come
when he hears the drum at a minute or two till two
today at a minute or two till two.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If three witches were watching three watches,
which witch was watching which watch?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ik loop in Diest rond

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Theophelos Thistle,
the successful thistle sifter,
in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles
thrust three thousand thistles into the thick of his thum.
See that thou, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles
thrust NOT three thousand thistles into the thick of THY thumb.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

De koetsier poetst de pasgepoetste postkoets met postkoetsepoets uit de postkoetsepoetsepoetserij.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

De kat krabt de krollen van de trap

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oncle Serge cherche son cher chien Jacques dans ses bagages.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Bear!
Fuzzy Wuzzy Had No Hair!
So Fuzzy Wuzzy Wasn't Fuzzy Was he?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How Much Wood Would a Woodchuck Chuck?
If a Woodchuck Would Chuck Wood?

If a woodchuck could chuck wood and a woodchuck would chuck wood,
should a woodchuck who could chuck wood chuck wood?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter Piper Picked a Peck Of Pickles.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly On the Plain!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She sells seashells down by the sea shore.
To seasick sailors and shell-shocked soldiers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A big black bug bit a big black bear,
and a big black bear bit a big, black bug.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He saw six long, sleek, slender, slim saplings.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She sold six Swiss wristwatches.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not the fig plucker I'm the fig plucker's son
but I'll pluck your figs till the fig plucker comes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Betty bought a bit of butter
but the butter was bitter
so Betty bought another bit of better butter
to make the bitter butter better butter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sixth sick shiek's sixth sheep's sick

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red rubber baby buggy bumpers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fat Freda fried five fresh fish for five hungry men

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Old mother hunt had a rough cut punt
not a punt cut rough but a rough put count

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Un chasseur sachant chasser
sans son chien de chasse
est un bon chasseur!


****************************************
The biggest lies


- Press "Alt F4" for free nudes.

- What? Sex on the internet? I never noticed, honey..

- I can stop wheneve I want, therefor I don't need to!

- Of course I like your cooking.

- No, I don't masturbate.

- Of course I came.

- I love to hear about your day.

- Of course I'm over 21.

- It's your character that matters, not how you look.

- I'm 28.

- No sugar, that young girl isn't prettier than you.
+
- Of course, I'll still love you tomorrow.

- Who? Me?

- I wont drink more than 5-6 beers.

- Size doesn't matter.

- I don't know whose Playboy that is, it must have been here before I moved in.

- I didn't inhale

- You're absolutely right, honey, it looks perfect!

- I can't wait to hear it!

- Don't worry, it happens to everyone.

- No, I like to give you head.

- I'll be back in a minute.

- I already gave to charity yesterday.

- I'll never tell a soul.

- I'm going to my friends house to study.

- I won't cum in your mouth.

- The check is in the mail.

- I like The Kelly Family.

- What a coincidence, I'm still a virgin too.

- I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

- No I don't think it looks small, you silly.

- New Washing powder! Now washes even whiter !

- Of course they are big enough, a handfull is too much anyway

- I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone

- Honey, I love you forever

- No sugar, you don't look fat in that dress

************************


How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace


- Slap the boss's face every time he interrupts your afternoon nap.

- Pee up your office door, your desk or your cubicle and growl at anyone that comes near.

- Follow delivery men around in pure James Bond style, but make it very obvious.

- Persistantly call your bosses 'sweetcheeks' and wink at them in front of everyone.

- Whenever you answer the phone, do so in a french accent, and slowly change it to a japanese accent.

- Belch loudly over the intercom, then ask if anyone wants to hear a fart.

- When the boss starts talking to you, open and drink a bottle of ketchup.

- Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get "Creative".

- Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky
middle names. Example: Bobby "Pud" McNeel.

- Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number.
When he/she answers, say "Sqwish."

- Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now
go to that executive meeting.

- Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back,
pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See
how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start
planting pizzas.

- Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

- When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

- Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk
in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

- Turn your monitor facing the wall, if anyone asks what you're doing,
say that this is the most interesting side of the monitor

- Page yourself over the intercom system (Don't disguise your voice)

- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them exactly one day after your boss does.
(Very effective is your boss is a different gender then you are)

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
(e.g. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom for the next 30 minutes.")

- While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

- Put up mosquito nets around your cubicle.

- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

- Insist that your e-mail address is "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" when you're a man

- Every time someone asks you to do something ask them if they want fries with that.

- Send lots of e-mail to yourself, forward those mails to a co-worker to settle
the arguments you have with your alter ego.

- Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN".

- Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many".

- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

- For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank.

- Put decafinated coffee in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks, once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

- Hum while you're sitting at your desk, do this a lot.

- Have races in the corridors with chairs that don't have wheels on them.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

List of Pick up lines that always work

- Baby, my love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in.

- What has 148 teeth and holds back a hulk? My zipper!

- Two million dollars and a twelve inch penis are nothing if you have a heart condition.

- So, are we gonna make out or not?

- I lost my teddy bear, Can I sleep with you?

- If you got your eyes from your mom I see why your dad married her.

- My mind is blank but didn't u do a lap dance on me last night?

Man: "I have a psychic watch. It says that you are not wearing any underwear"
Woman: "Your watch is wrong, I'm wearing underwear"
Man: (tapping the watch) "Damn, its running an hour fast again"

Man: "Did you grow up on a chicken farm?"
Woman: "No, why?"
Man: "Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!"

Would you like to meet my little brother?

- Didn't we make a porno last night?

- Can I borrow a quarter, my mom told me to call her when I met the woman of my dreams!

- Hey, wanna swallow my children?

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

Man : "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman : "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

- That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

- Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?

- Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

- [Look at her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?",
say: "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."

- If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?

- Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

- I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

- You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

- Is it hot in here or is it just you?

- That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

- Do you want to see something swell?

- I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

- There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

- Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

- Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up?

- Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets
there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

- Excuse me. Do you want to f*ck or should I apologize?

- Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

- Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f*ck?
[Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

- Excuse me, have I f*cked you yet?

- Fancy a f*ck?

- My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

- Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

- F*ck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

- Bond. James Bond.

- Drop 'em!

- I love you. I want to marry you. Now f*ck my brains out.

- Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

- Say, did we go to different schools together?

- Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with
your clothes on?

- Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the
sky and put them in your eyes.

- Give her a phone card that says: "Smile if you want to sleep with me."

- What do you like for breakfast?

- Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

- Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I?

- Wanna f*ck like bunnies?

- Would you like to dance or should I go f*ck myself again?

- Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

- Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

- Your place or mine?

- Your face or MINE!?

- Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

- I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

- Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

- What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

- Are we related? Do you want to be?

- Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

- I'm leaving this place..want to cum?

- I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples.

- Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's

- Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I
was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

- I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

- Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

- Let's take a shower together -- you smell.

- I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

- Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...

- Hey..somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

- I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?

- Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated.

- Have you ever played leap frog naked ??

- I'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get all your clothes off in 30 seconds

- Would you like to see me naked ??

- Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
No! D'ya wanna do lunch!

- Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?

- Do you spit or swallow?

- I would give you a piece of my mind but I have much more of something else.

- Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

- The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

- Hey baby, let's go make some babies.

- I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

- I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

- All those curves, and me with no brakes.

- I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?

- Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here, get 'em while they're hot!

- Where do you live?

- Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you...

- Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?

- I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just ate.

- A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

- What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a
bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

- Wow! Are those real?

- Do you take it up the *ss?

- I'm drunk.

- You know, I'd really love to f*ck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.

- Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?

- Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

- (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come
with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

- I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of
your *ss when I'm finished.

- Will you marry me and have my children?

- Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.

- Can I see your tan lines?

- Hi. You'll do.

- Pardon me, are you in heat?!

- You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I
together, I'd get 69.

- Lie down. I think I love you.

- My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off you blouse in
a public place.

- Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your
pockets inside out....) Would you like to?

- I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

- Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll
throw you my meat.

- What's your favorite position on extramarital sex?

- I have only three months to live...

- Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

- If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.

- Want to see my stamp collection?

- Do you know how to use a whip?

- Baby, I'm an American Express lover....you shouldn't go home without me!

- Baby, I'm a Nike lover....just do it.

- Are you looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now?

- Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?

- I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.

- You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
Twice.

- Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've
broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"

- You make my software turn to hardware!

- Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

- There are 256 bones in the human body. How'd ya like one more?

- You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.

- (Wait til the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and
alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, ) come on, we're leaving.

- You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.

- Do you think I could borrow that dress/bustier sometime?

- Is that your boyfriend? I think you can do better than that!

- So you're a girl huh?

- Would you please come home with me and tie me up...

- Wow.

- Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?

- I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?

- Can I please be your slave tonight?

- If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.

- I wonder what our children will look like.

- Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means 'letom'?

- Brrr! My hands are cold. Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?

- Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'

- Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

- Will you marry me for just one night?

- I'm an organ donor, need anything?

- Does my breath smell okay?

- You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and
knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.

- You are so fine that I'd eat your sh*t just to see where it came from.

- If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.

- Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

- Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

- What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??

- I've got a pimple on my butt, wanna see it?

- Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I was in.

- You look just like my mother.

- Ya know, you look really *hot*! You must be real reason for global warming.

- Are you cold? You should be; you've been naked in my mind all night.

- I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

- I've got a condom with your name on it.

- Can you believe it? It's been more than fifteen minutes since I've had sex.

- My friend and I made a bet and I need to check if those are implants.

- I know a charming little motel with a cheap hourly rate.

- I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.

- Erections like these don't grow on trees you know.

- Are you as good as they say you are?

- Baby, I got a backstage pass to your *ss!

- Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue!

- I'm single!

- I like women's milk, especially the package.

- I'm a milkman. Want it in the front or the back?

- Your boobies are almost as big as my moms.

- They don't call me the Italian Stallion for nothing.

- Wanna watch a porno?

- Have you ever been caught masturbating?

- My penis was blown off in Vietnam.

- Would you consider dating a child molester?

- Have you ever lit your farts on fire? You want to?

- What color are your pubic hairs?

- Have you ever played nintendo for 72 hours straight?

- I'm not wearing any underwear.

- Lets play bowling. I can shove my fingers in you, then throw you in the gutter.

- Want to see who can pee the furthest?

- If you had six nipples and a wet nose you'd be as good as my dog.

- I haven't gotten any in 2 years, what about you?

- Wanna go play twister naked?

- Ever heard the song Detachable Penis?

- The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to f*ck you on the floor.

- My girlfriend's pregnant. Will you go out with me?

- Is your name Gillette? 'Cause you're the best a man can get.

- You have the kind of legs that I like, feet on one end, pussy on the other.

- I'd like to use your panties to make soup.

- Hey baby, wanna play firechief? I'll play the firehouse and you
can slide down my pole.

- Hi, I'm 12 inches long.

- My dick's two inches...[quizzical look]...from the floor.

- Are you as good in bed as your mom?

- Haven't I downloaded naked pictures of you before?


***************************************

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Sexually Tinted Lines in Star Wars


Star Wars : a New Hope


- "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

- "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

- "Look at the size of that thing!"

- "Sorry about the mess..."

- "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

- "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"

- "You've got something jammed in here really good."

- "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"

- "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

- "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

- "Get on top of it!", "I'm trying!!!"

- "Did it go in?", "Negative. Just impacted on the surface."


The Empire Strikes Back


- "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"

- "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

- "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"

- "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

- "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."

- "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm.."

- "Control, control! You must learn control!"

- "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."

- "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

- "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"


Return of the Jedi


- "Han, can you reach my lightsaber?"

- "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work."

- "Hey, point that thing someplace else."

- "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

- "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"

- "I never knew I had it in me."

- "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."

- "There is good in him, I've felt it."

- "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."

- "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
Reply "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."

- "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it.
Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"
- "A little higher, just a little higher."
- "Short help's better than no help at all."
- "She's gonna blow!"
- "I think you'll fit in nicely."
- "Rise, my friend."
- "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
- "Back door, huh? Good idea!"



************************

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery


- The head bone's connected to the knee bone,
the knee bones connected to that thing over there,
that thing over there's connected to the nurse. Oops

- Oh shit this wasn't a penis amputation.

- This guy owes me a hundred dollars!

- "Pass the scalpel" - "Here you go Dr. Kevorkian"

- Hey!!! How come this dude has a penis and tits?

- Let's see, we'll connect this to this, and put this here, and move that to there and we'll see what happens.

- Sir? How do you want you name to appear on your toe tag?
+
- Hey, stop that thing rolling across the floor!

- We're losing him...April fool's day!!!

- You're drunk, nurse. Stop playing and gimme that heart back!

- You mean it's a stomach-staple operation, not a BRAIN-staple?

- Wait a minute. Is that thing growing out of his neck another penis?

- If that makes his head move. Then WHAT DOES THIS DO!

- Shit, I've cut myself and I've got AIDS!

- Oh look that heartthingie has a flatline.

- To boldly go were no-one has ever gone before...

- ....I think someone is going to claim a lot of money here.

- This wouldn't have happened if you had just laid him on his BACK for starters!!

- What's that red stuff gushing out?

- Sure I don't know what I'm doing. I came her for washing the windows and
somebody puts a mask on my face and an knife in my hand.

- Jeez I'm horny, let's get this patient unconsious and have a little fun.
I don't care if she used to be a man 3 minutes ago.

- What's this, you say? His heart? Or his liver?

- Bwottle a whiksey, pleazzz nurze.

- Nurse, was this a male or a female patient ?

- OOPS !!

- I wonder what this does!

- Hand me the saw someone!

- Did he say the right or left leg?

- You got the arms and legs switched.

- It is now out of my hands...Nurse, could you grab it? It's over there behind the keg.

- I'd feel alot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at night school.

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

- Rats, there go the lights again...

- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.

- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

- Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?

- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

- Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- This patient has already had kids, am I correct ?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out !

- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing !

- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

- What do you mean you want a divorce ?



**********************

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness


- Just a moment, almost ready. Could you hold you finger one moment on this little knot pleace?

- Hey Dave, did you get his wallet? He's coming to.

- Hi, I am the father of your just fertilized eggs.
+
- Sir, I think we are going to amputate your penis.

- Hey don't worry I will help you pick out a really nice glass eye tomorrow.

- Did you sleep well, Mr., or should I say Mrs. K. ?

- Oh god, he's coming to! Give me my pants, quick!

- He never used his right leg anyway.

- Here's your golden spoon. Hope you like rice pudding?

- OK, nurse, pulll the plug out.

- What do you mean you lost the keys to the 4-way shackles?
Now we'll never get him out of...oh, Hi, how are you?

- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.

- Quick! Hide the will!

- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still kicking.

- Blink once for yes.

- What? Who's in the other bed? Actually, that's also you.

- Why does it say DROF on his head?

- Do you think he can hear us?

- I didn't even know one could bend that way, let alone both.

- I'm sorry, but we were only able to thaw your head.

- Hold still, we've almost pried its jaws open.

- Why is there a tag on his toe ?

- I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia. Just relax, we'll be done in a jiffy.

- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward ?

- Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse !

- Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script.

- Here are your teeth.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Fun things to do at the supermarket


- Take a perminent marker and make all the "r"s on the Runt candy packages into "c"s.

- Get a couple boxes of tampons and/or condoms and go to one of the cashiers and ask
if they could demonstrate how to properly use them.

- Open all the Cokes and look for the winning caps.....leave the loosing ones there.

- Pick a violent looking man a tell him while pointing at an employee
that "He is spreading rumours that you were trying on tampons".

- Tell everyone you are the official Baked Goods Inspector for the state. Take a bite out of each unpackaged
muffin or doughnut, nod to yourself, and put it back on the shelf.

- Hide in between the racks of cloths, and when browsers come by say things like "Pick me","No me!".

- Walk up to an employee and ask "What, exactly, is your store's policy on shoplifting?"

- Throw an XXL bra in another persons shoppingcart.

- Get on the PA system and announce: "Somebody farted in aisle ten, and it smells like SHIT!".

- Go to sleep in the middle of an aisle.

- Walk into the meat isle and ask a person in a gentle voice: "Can you tell me where I can find the breasts?".

- Bring exactly 9 grapes to the "10 Items Or Less" line and insist on help carrying out your bags.

- If you are a girl run to one of the employees (preferably a guy) holding your crotch
and ask him worriedly, "Where is the Tampon aisle ?"

- Stack up 2-liter soda bottles like tenpins, then bowl a canteloupe at them.

- Follow employees around, writing everything they do down on a clipboard. Keep muttering "terrible, terrible",
just loud enough for them to hear.

- Set random products on fire, and then run around screaming "armageddon is here, repent or be slain!".

- Jump like you were scared when the automatic door opens, then look at it puzzled.

- Go to kitchenware, get a strainer, put it on your head. Take a tube of birthday wrapping paper for a sword,
move the boxes of pop to form a fort, and throw mangos at passersby yelling "you'll never take me alive!"
When security comes, jump out of the fort and point accusingly at the nearest toddler.

- Lick all the food.

- Ask the lady at the cash register if she knows how to unjam a pistol.

- Remark on the cholesterol and fat content of products people are purchasing.
Especially the non-edible items.

- Spit in all of the jelly jars. Only do this when someone is watching you.
Then ask them if they want a turn.

- Place random Items in other peoples shopping carts. Preferably expensive items.

- Go to one of the phones. Press the Page/Int button...now speak into the phone...
the message will be transmitted over the PA system

- See how many M&M's you can stuff up your nose and still be able
to breathe.

- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding them at strategic locations.

- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
the day.

- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.

- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.

- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to "10".

- Play with the automatic doors.

- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

- Repeat the previous line in the jewelry department.

- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for
"test drive."

- Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet
away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
and say, "Wow. Magic!"

- Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

- Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you people just leave me alone?"

- Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are
any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

- Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

- While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

- Hold indoor shopping cart races.

- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

- "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

- When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,
quickly make off with it without saying a word.

- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

- Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get
out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

******************************

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

How to be annoying

- While sitting down, tap rap songs on your genatalia with a straight face.

- Everytime somebody asks you to do something , ask them "and do you want ketchup with that?

- Wander into McDonalds 2 minutes from closing time and demand 10 plain cheeseburgers.
Take a riot shield with you.

- Wash down a dozen chili dogs with a gallon of beer AND a pound of chocolate
Ex-Lax, so your farts will be gassy and SHQUEESSSHHY.

- Read this list aloud to your family, every night for a week.

- Headbang to talk radio.

- Whenever you are with someone who despises the sound of a fork dragging
across someone's teeth, when you eat around them make sure you do it LOUD.

- Repeatidly tell your teacher that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

- At a play, recital, or awards-show, continue clapping after everyone else has stopped.

- When boarding a school bus, specify that you'd like to be dropped off at school

- Frequently use exclamation points in large quantities!!!!!!!!!!

- When meeting some one new, interupt them after every few sentences,
saying "That reminds me of a story..."

- Insist upon gargling all liquids before swallowing them.

- When dining with others, tell them that it is against your religion to chew your food.
Make loud hacking noises as if choking.

- Frequently ask during conversation, "Are you dumb or just plain stupid?"

- Blow in people's faces, asking, "Do I have bad breath?"

- Pull on people's skin-tone stockings, saying "OH MY GOSH, your skin peels off!"

- Write on your forehead "I'm gay".

- When there is a flashing red light drive in the fashion of stop-and-go.

- Walk around the mall or a crowded store mumbling "Elvis isn't dead. Elvis isn't dead."

- Guess people's weight but guess obviously high and when they look
offended say "Oh well, Slim fast will fix that up for you!".

- Unplug all electrical appiances when visiting someone elses house.
Tell them you don't know who was responsible.

- When you are hanging out with someone, put a CD on that they know you really like.
While you're listening to it, sing along with a different song than what's playing.

- Wink at complete strangers. Regardless of their gender.

- Every time someone talks you either laugh out loud, or interrupt them.

- Answer every trivia question with "Shelly Winters."

- By doing this. By doing this. By doing this. By doing this...

- Talk to people in a really quiet voice. When they tell you to speak up,
shout as loud as you can. Rotate between the two.

- Laugh when someone is talking for no reason. Or before the punchline of a joke.

- Like always say like when talking.

- Make everything about your computer a sickly red. Include your desktop, cursor, and text.

- Turn to a page in a dictionary and go through a couple of pages, pronouncing every word listed.
Do this while your research partner is doing all the work.

- Instead of picking your nose..... Pick someone elses.

- Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.

- Articulate your belches.

- When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.

- Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

- Drum on every available surface.

- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strands, winding it around
your finger.

- Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.

- Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry
for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

- Fax a paper loop.

- Staple papers in the middle of the page.

- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

- Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.

- Ask 800 operators for dates.

- Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

- Insist on keeping all your stationary in the fridge.

- Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

- Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

- Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

- Set alarms for random times.

- Permanently install as wallpaper for someone's computer desktop a scan
of the cover of Prince's Lovesexy album.

- Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

- Test the echo properties of your shower with Axl Rose impressions.

- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

- Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

- The Beavis laugh.

- The Butthead laugh.

- Bring your taxidermy hobby along to the office.

- Honk and wave to strangers.

- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

- Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.

- Wear your pants backwards.

- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.

- Discuss your various piercings in intimate detail.

- Construct small animal figures at dinner with toothpicks and tater tots.

- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

- Keep National Geographic map supplements such as Trade Routes of the
Inuit in your car's glove compartment.

- Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".

- Leave someone printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

- only type in lowercase.

- dont use any punctuation either

- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

- Pay for your dinner with pennies.

- Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.

- Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.

- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

- Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.

- Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

- Hold long-winded debates about:
whether January 1st, 2000, is really in the 21st century.
whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Brutus" or "Bluto".
whether water drains backwards in Australia.
whether vinyl records sound better than CD's.
what would happen if the Coyote dropped his Acme Instant Hole on
top of himself.
which axis is the "abscissa" and which is the "ordinate".
details of the floor plan of the Al Bundy's house.
what would happen if gravity reversed.
whether some infinite numbers are bigger than others.
whether tomatoes are vegetables.
whether 2 plus 2 is actually 5 in distant galaxies.
the International Date Line

- Pronounce potato poe-TAH-toe, and tomato toe-MAH-toe.

- Teach your parakeet to poop on command.

- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

- Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

- Wear hot-pink eye shadow.

- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

- Light road flares on a birthday cake.

- Bring a bushel bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand their
total cash value.

- Play records with a paper cone.

- Order a hamburger without the meat.

- Order a taco without the shell.

- Order a pizza without the crust.

- Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

- Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your
tv and then pointing it at the screen.

- Repeat all of Bob Saget's jokes to your co-workers.

- Speak only in a "robot" voice.

- Sit at the front of the lecture hall and clip your toenails.

- Install only 20-watt light bulbs.

- Write long, ominous letters to the editor demanding that NASA bomb Mars.

- Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

- Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

- Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce
that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

- Keep hissing cockroaches as pets.

- Wear your beeper to a wedding.

- Purchase a 50,000 candle-power flashlight, and while away many an
evening from a high-story window by spotlighting the butts of passers-by.

- Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at top volume.

- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

- Cross-post all news messages to rec.pets.cats.

- Write Bible verses on your face.

- When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

- Before swallowing Jello, squish and slosh it around in your mouth
until it's thoroughly liquefied.

- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,
99 copies.

- Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes.

- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

- Sniffle incessantly.

- Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

- Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

- Hold a life-size magazine photo of a face over your own, and waggle
your tongue through a hole where the mouth is.

- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

- Make your wine glass "scream" by rubbing a moistened finger over its rim.

- Freeze bugs in ice cubes.

- Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was dropped in
the toilet.

- Sprinkle grass clippings on your head and inform the neighbors you
are a "Lawn Goddess".

- Push the end of the scotch tape flush against the roll.

- Glue change to the floor.

- Install twenty mysterious-looking antennas on your car.

- Name your dog "Dog".

- Hand out business cards identifying you as the "Maestro of Mirth".

- Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

- Ask people what gender they are.

- Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.

- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".

- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.

- Claim that you must always wear a football helmet as part of
your "astronaut training".

- Turn your eyelids inside-out.

- Stare intently at someone while scribbling in a small notebook. Conceal
it quickly and whistle absently if approached.

- Wear an overcoat and dark sunglasses to church.

- Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace".

- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it
was a "real hoot".

- Occasionally whisper to others that you are entrusted with "nuclear
secrets".

- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

- When visiting someone's home, fish for change under their sofa
cushions. Elaborately display any embarrassing items you uncover.

-

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

How to be annoying 2


-Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.

- Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.

- Practice making fax and modem noises.

- Insinuate that someone has something stuck to their back.

- Ask for change for a dime.

- Lick all of someone's stamps.

- Use' lot's of 'extra' apostrophe's in you're writ'ing.

- Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", or the Archies' "Sugar".

- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

- Torment siblings with vivid recollections of all family get-togethers
where they threw up.

- Spend an entire weekend test-driving riding mowers.

- Growl like a pirate and address everyone as "matey".

- Stand outside the window of a restaurant and stare at people eating.

- Hang out every day at a waterbed store wearing an old Navy uniform.

- Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

- Highlight irrelevant information in textbooks.

- Assemble a collection of EXIT signs.

- Frequently become mesmerized by shiny objects.

- Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a discussion
of the presidency of Millard Filmore.

- When dining out, engage in graphics discussions of medieval prostate
surgery.

- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

- When dining in polite society, sculpt yourself a Santa Claus beard
from mashed potatoes.

- Insist that your swordfish be netted, not hooked.

- Construct an elaborate canal system in your front yard.

- Run in circles around a streetlight like a human moth.

- Turn street signs ninety degrees.

- Mail a letter with 32 one-cent stamps.

- Assure little kids that they can, in fact, be sucked down the bathtub drain.

- Instead of a stapler or paper clips, use duct tape or chewing gum.

- Push all the elevator buttons.

- Build an anatomically-correct snowman.

- Spell your name strangely, such as Jhonne Psmythe, and sue those who
misspell it.

- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.

- Interrupt people's sentences to inform them of non-existent food stuck in
their teeth.

- Avoid normal text characters, and |_|s3 B1ff sp3/\k \/\/ |-| 3 |\|
P0sT1|\|g, |<00l |>00|>.

- Practice the delicate art of picking up pieces of food from your plate by
slurping out and sucking in a particularly sticky "loogie".

- Shave one eyebrow.

- Cook pasta with cold water.

- Ask people what year it is, and exclaim "Why I'm not even born yet!"

- Giggle hysterically at the saddest part of a movie.

- Smile constantly.

- "Rap" everything someone says.

- Cross out the names and reuse old Christmas cards.

- Order printed transcripts of gameshows.

- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

- Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

- Excuse yourself from the dinner table to use the bathroom, flush four
times, and when returning, explain "man, that whopper just wouldn't go
down."

- Practice making flatulence noises with your hands.

- Hold a blade of grass between both thumbs and blow on it to produce
a piercing shriek.

- Stare at the menu with a puzzled expression, and repeatedly ask the
waitress, "Zoo you haf zee eels en flambe?"

- Take pictures of your feet, and give them as Christmas gifts.

- Insist on squeezing the last 0.1% of the toothpaste out of the tube.

- Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

- Suck in spaghetti one strand at a time.

- Pour your soup on your entree "as gravy".

- Chew your ice.

- Wear a LOT of cologne.

- Tie your tie so that it appears only 5 inches long.

- Have a little contest to see whose tongue looks the grossest on the bottom.

- Ask to "interface" with someone.

- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

- Make sonar pinging noises when someone approaches you.

- Write a check for 48 cents.

- Proclaim yourself the Czeckoslovenian ambassador, open a storefront
embassy, and see how many state dinners you can crash.

- See how few legs you can balance your chair on, and act surprised when
you eventually fall over backwards.

- Sing along at the opera.

- See how many straws you can connect end-to-end in a chain and still
consume a beverage with the apparatus.

- Mow your lawn with scissors.

- Carry a pet chicken with you at all times and claim it is your "spiritual
advisor".

- Fill the bathtub each evening and play with your radio-controlled "navy".

- Wear a blank nametag.

- Wear green or black lipstick.

- Frown, sniff the air, and ask someone, "Is that you?"

- Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person".

- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

- Attach diskettes to the fridge with magnets.

- For a festive atmosphere, sprinkle glitter everywhere you go.

- Marry yourself.

- Vehemently insist that the cosine of any number is negative zero.

- Whenever a co-worker sneezes or coughs, make elaborate waving motions
at them, and explain that you have a "gift of healing".

- Capitalize words Randomly.

- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

- Drop superballs down stairwells.

- Ask Santa for condoms.

- When given change, bit it suspiciously to make sure it's not hollow.

- As part of your Christmas display this year, include half a dozen
searchlights.

- Eat peas one at a time.

- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

- Ask a plastic surgeon for:
a second nose.
earlobe implants.
butt implants.
an extra thumb on your forehead to keep your glasses on.
hair on your eyelids.
a tracheal harmonica.
an extra joint in your arm.
vampire fangs.
a second bellybutton on your big toe.
a drink holder on your knee.
antlers.
glow-in-the-dark armpit hair.
a nostril-implanted pencil sharpener.
all of the above!

- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket".

- Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

- Change your name to Robert Oot in hopes of getting the username "root".

- Demand the right to perform animal sacrifices during exams.

- Drop a test tube, and run from the room screaming "The killer flu is
loose! We're all doomed!"

- Write an entire novel with 5,000 semi-colons and only one period.

- Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

- Demand that all your diskettes be replaced by those who use them in the
little plastic baggies in which you bought them.

- For your party, rent free tapes from the public service section of
the video store. Show "Hepatitis and You" and "Our Friend Tungsten".

- Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

- Never make eye contact.

- Never break eye contact.

- Take snapshots of roadkill.

- Mount a chandelier on the front of your car's hood.

- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

- When posting news articles, be sure to
incorrectly
set the word wrapping so that a few words
dribble
over past the end of each line in your
message.

- Carry a blank protest sign.

- Send frequent press releases to the local papers detailing the progress
of your personal hygiene.

- Tell knock-knock jokes.

- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across
the room.

- Attempt to make popcorn with a hair dryer.

- Crack your knuckles, neck, back, arms, knees, and whatever other of
your appendages produce disconcerting noises. Given a sufficiently
rickety skeletal system, you may be ready to start again by the time
you've finished them all once.

- Play nursery rhymes on the banjo.

- Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

- Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

- Buy a toupee for your two-year-old.

- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

- Chug water from an empty vodka bottle.

- Rip the heads off Gummi bears and attach them to differently colored
bodies. Assemble little armies of these Gummi undead and re-enact
famous Civil War battles on your desktop.

- Make appointments for the 31st of September.

- Include your gerbil in your will; leave him your motorcycle.

- While they are otherwise distracted, staple people's clothes together.

- Install strobe lights in your bathroom.

- Insist on saving 1,672 back issues of TV Guide because
* you may have missed a few of the puzzles.
* they might be worth something someday.
* they're keeping the stack of 153 National Geographics from
falling over.
* sometime you might want to see what used to be on.
* moving them might dramatically change the structural dynamics
of your house.
* they have sentimental value.
* you could swear one of them had an article in it somewhere
about your Uncle Joe
* the vermin now inhabiting them are far too icky to risk touching.
* the kids might need them for doing reports.

- Make fifty Xerox copies of your face and use them as Christmas cards.

- See how much gum you can fit in your mouth and still chew.

- Give your friends' phone numbers to Army recruiters.

- Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

- Periodically fish your jawbreaker out of you mouth to see what
color it's turned.

- Grow a mustache and beard on only one side of your face.

- Send twenty copies of this list to everyone you know.

- Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".

- Ask people if they've seen your "thing."

- At a make-out party, play Rednex "Cotton Eye Joe" in between the R. Kelly and Jodeci songs.

- Clean ears with an straightened out section of paper clip
while trying to hold a conversation with co-workers

- Frequently tell people you don't know "You die at dawn" in a solemn voice.

- Mouth the words people say as they say them.

- Create webpages that are much too long to be read on one single screen so people have to scroll to read it all.


How to be annoying at a funeral


- Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

- Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

- Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

- Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

- Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

- At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

- Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

- Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

- Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

- Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

- Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

- Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

- Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before
the funeral is over.

- Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

- Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

- Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

- Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

- Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.

- Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.

- Put Super Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

- Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

- If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

- When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

- Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!"
and pretend to faint.

- At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

- Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

- Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

- Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

- Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
while praising the deceased.

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Things You'll never hear Darth Vader say



- "What's so funny? I have asthma!"

- "Whaaaaaaaat's uuuuuuuuuuuuup!"

- "Here come the Men in Black..." (with dance movements)

- Yes, Judge Judy, I'm sueing the Emperor for pains caused during the last time we were together...

- (Ring...Ring) Hi...John? This is Darth Vader from Who wants to be a Galactic Millionaire?

- "Wait..wait....eyelash!"

- "Now where did I leave my diapers... Oh dear, I need to get myself some new ones!"
+
- "If you will not join me, maybe your sister will. I mean, what a fox. Reeeooowww."

- "Look boss, the plane, the plane!"

- "Whoops, sorry, wrong number... Whoahahahahaha!"

- "Paper or plastic?"

- "Oop's, I've farted. I can't get this damn helmet off....Stop tape....uh uhh help!"

- "Hey Yoda, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsiepop?"

- "Time out! My lightsaber ran out of batteries."

- (in Jabba's voice) "Ka na wang chi kok pa!"

- "O.K. why does my lightsaber smell like ass?"

- "Vader, Darth Vader"

- "I shall destroy your planet unless you pay me 1 billion dollars!"
(pinky placed aginst bottom lip)

- "What 'chu talkin bout Willis?"

- "Excuse me, do they have this suit in white??"

- "You? My son, what is this America's funniest homevideos?"

- "Luke........I'm gay"

- "Black is slimming, right? RIGHT?"

- "I'm picking up good vibrations.."

- "Bud....Weis....errrrr"

- "Damn, I wish Lucas would give Star Wars the "Police Academy" approach..."

- "Ouch! That damn lightsaber tickles!!!"

- "How can you be SURE I'm Dave Prowse under this helmet?"

- "I show you mine, if you show yours"

- "Swinggg"

- "My Lightsaber's automatic...systematic...obi-matic...why, it's Greased Lightning!"

- "Anybody seen my glasses...?"

- "I am Hans Vader and he is Frans Vader and we're gonna PUMP (clap) you up!!"

- "Would you like to super size that order ?"

- "I'll get you my pretty, and your little Jedi Yoda too!"

- "Once upon a time there lived this beautiful princess..."

- "Hey, buddy, spare any change ?"

- "I'm darth Vader and I'll destroy any planet for $99.95"

- "You should've seen how bad I looked before the plasic surgery."

- "I'll take Star Trek for 100, Alex"

- "If you will not help me bring order to the galaxy then maybe your brother, Bill Gates, will before he takes it over himself."

- "Luke, I am your father, but if the tax collecter comes, I am your long lost half-brother."

- "Doh!"

- "Can I pet your ewok?"

- "You want to see my big ship? Its full of seamen."

- "I'm not only the president of the helmet club for men, I'm also a client!!"

- "I did not have sexual relations with this woman..."

- "That poster does have two suns on it..."

- "Kiss my white ass"

- "Yes, Luke, I fucked your mother, do you have a poblem with that?"

- "Jerry!!, Jerry!!, Jerry!!"

- "Hi, I'm Darth, and I'm an alcoholic..."

- "My ding-a-ling my ding-a-ling, I want to play with my ding-a-ling!!"

- "Yes friends, now you can own this amazing Tie Fighter Club..."

- "Why in the Force are you wearing a dress, Emperor?"

- "What's the number for Weight Watchers?"

- "Luke, would you like to see me erect my light saber ?".

- "What do you think the average penis size is, Luke ?"

- "How do I get this damn suit off I have to take a leak."

- "I AM Batman!!!"

- "Yeah, Baby!"

- "Luke I want you to... bend over big boy."

- "Where's that damn Viagra ?!"

- "Beam me up Scotty"

- "Does my bum look big in this ?"

- "Luke , I'm your father , I made myself disappear because I didn't wanna pay for your education."

- "Yes, I'm your father. Damn that bitch ... Birthcontrol pills my ass........"

- Today on Jerry "I dumped my wife for the Emperor. He gives it to me better than she ever could!"

- "Is that semen on your helmet? . . . Wanna Fuck?"

- "Ever think of using a skin cream, Emperor? You look like hell."

- "Oh my god, they killed Kenny! You Rebels!!"

- "I'm horny, horny, horny, horny tonight!!"

- "L'Oreal, cause I'm worth it."

- "Uh, oh! I broke a nail!"

- "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!"

- "Y-M-C-A,..." (Body & hand motions included)

- "Turn to the Dark Side.... Please, please, please with a cherry on top!"

- "Macho, macho man! I've got to be a macho man...."

- "Martini, shaken not stirred"

- "Ribbed for HER pleasure!"

- "ME, ME, ME pay attention to ME!!!"

- "Did you ever have that not so fresh feeling?"

- "Go ahead! Have no faith in the Force! See if I care!"

- "Tell me about your sister, please ???"

- "Has anyone seen my inhaler?"

- "Impressive...most impressive. Can you do that again ?"

- "You should not have come back. But, since you're here, let's
shake hands and call it even."

- "Wow! Neat!"

- "What does that button do?"

- "I'm thirsty. Let's get a Coke."

- "Oh man! I just shot Captian Needa in the face!"

- "Needa's dead, baby. Needa's dead."

- "How many dicks is that?"

- "Here's looking at you, kid."

- "Are you the keymaster?"

- "Well, excuuuuuuuuuse me!"

- "Is it just me, or is it getting warm in here?"

- "I'm sorry."

- "I was reading in rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc today..."

- "Anyone for tennis ?"

- "Commander, I am just popping out to the little boys room."

- "I was dancing in the disco bumber to bumber, wait a minute,
where's my lightsaber ?"

- "Chewing Gum anyone?"

- "Oh fuck"

- "Knock. Knock..."

- "Superkalifragilisticexpeealladocious...."

- "Anyone got any AA bateries for my lightsader?"

- "Luke, I am your father. And here's all your old birthday
presents!"

- "Well, yes, we COULD blow up Alderaan. But how about I send
them a strongly worded letter instead."

- "I'm wearing women's underwear under all this"

- "Hey, Luke.... Take a walk on the Dark Side..."

- "Mongo, no! Never kill a customer."

- "You are Disssssspicable"

- "Ooh! I tought I taw a Skywalker."

- "What's up Doc?"

- "Shhh. I'm hunting for webels. Huh huh."

- "I'm getting to old for this!"

- "I'll be back" (with Austrian accent)

- "Damn, it's raining. I must go inside or I'll rust!"

- "I feel like wearing Pastels today ..."

- "Okay, captain, I forgive you for forgetting to put down the
toilet seat.

- "Yes, it does hurt when you knock on my helmet"

- "Who put the banther-fodder in my linguini?"

- "Want to see pictures of my kids?"

- "I feel like a Tic Tac."

- "Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake."

- "You know, I think I need a hug."

- "Put on a Happy Face!"

- "Man, that Emperor is such a Butt-head.

- "Oh, screw searching for the Rebels. We're going to Tahiti!"

- "So, baby, wanna see my lightsaber?"

- "What I really want to do is direct."

- "This is CNN International...." (WAIT a minute)

- "You know, I think I need to get in touch with my feminine
side."

- "But what if my hemorrhoids come back?"

- "Did I do that?"

- "Would you like fries with that?"

- "I'll take what's behind curtain number 3."

- "Have you played X-Wing yet ?"

- "Does this armor make me look fat?"

- "Admiral Ozzel is as clumsy as he is...whoa...whoooooa...
whaaaaaaaa!" (trips over his cape and falls)

- "Hey BEN! Look everybody, it's Ben Kenobi! Long time no see,
howya been Ben ol buddy! Hey, howbout we break out them
lightsabers and go a coupla rounds just fer ol time's sake,
whaddya say? I been practicing on that swing...."

- "Kowabunga, dude!"

- "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas!"

- "Do my socks match?"

- "The sun will come out... tomorrow..."

- "Shut up, I'm trying to watch Star Trek!"

- "Luke you're using too much force on my darkside!"

- "Luke, you were an accident"

- "Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to
see me?"

- "Have I shown you my photo album?"

- "Can we play 'paddy-cake'?"

- "Where are my high heels?"

- "At the tone, the time will be..."

- "The Force is strong in that damned Toilet Duck!"

- "Read my lips!"

- "The ability to nuke one French Polynesian atoll is
insignificant next to the power of the Force."

- "Luke stop whining, your giving me a headache!"

- "Coffee, tea or me?"

- "I have this terrible fear of flying, Admiral... hold me."

- "DUDE!"

- "Would you like to see my dark-side ?"

- "Ask not what the Force can do for you...
ask what you can do for the Force."

- "I'll love you..tomorrow, tomorrow,
I'll love you, it's only a day away."

- "Hey, Luke, tellyour sister to rethink that hair style cause... damn"

- "Look, son, I'm sorry about your hand already! Can't you take a joke?!"

- "Give me back my tutu !"

- "Umm...Luke...I don't know how to tell you this...but I used to be your mother."

- "Hey Baby... Wanna Wrestle ?"

- "Look ma! No hands!"

- "Where is my rubber ducky? Because, rubber ducky is the one, he makes destroying
Rebels lots of fun. Rubber ducky I'm so fond of you!..."

- "Luke, I am your mother's sister's uncle's aunt's sister in law's boyfriend's father."

- "You must avenge my death Simba. Errrr, oops. Wrong movie."

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Things You Would Like To buy, if only they existed




- Something that makes walls transparant.

- LSDeo-spray to leave in public showers.

- A machine to stop time, to use right before a test you DID NOT study for.

- Fat-free orgasm-inducing chocolate bars.

- Viagra that lasts for days.

- A computer that understands the command "go to hell".

- Holographic chat rooms.

- A remote control that can shut people up instantly.

- A perfect guy.

- 3 clones of myself 1 for work, 1 for school, 1 to do the housework
so that I get to play!

- An Intergalactic Spaceship

- Mute button for other people.

- Hands Free Vibrator.

- Ferrari Testarossa Pick-Up Truck.

- A version of Microsoft Windows that uses less than 64 KB.

- Traffic Jam Dissolvent.

- TV with Memory Control.

- TV that Automatically Replaces Commercials With dancing
Playboy Centerfolds.

- Internet Modems That Have Speeds Up To 28.8 Gigabytes.

- Warp Drive.

- Time Machine.

- Housekeeping Droid.

- Spray to put on your pants to prevent the neighbours poodle
from rubbing against it.

- Outside Temperature Controls.

- Richard Gere Carreer Revivor.

- Adjustable Gravitational Pull.

- Cindy Crawford Cyberdoll with built-in radio that can be
adjusted by turning the nipples.

- Device to prevent your video from blinking 0:00 hrs. all
the time.

- Amphibious 4WD camper van with hydraulic tilt bed for
hauling gravel.

- Nylons that never run.



****************************

Questions of life


Why is there no egg in an eggplant, ho ham in a hamburger,
and neither pine nor apple in a pineapple?

- Why is a guineapig neither from Guinea nor a pig?

- If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?

- Why weren't English muffins not invented in England, nor French fries in France?

- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?!?

- Why does a house burn up as it burns down?

- Why do we fill in a form by filling it OUT?

- Who puts the little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces?

- Why is it called rush hour if no one moves?

- Why do they have interstate highways in Hawaii?

- Is is dangerous to masturbate on an electric blanket?

- How do you throw away a trash can?

- When flying, wouldn't we really rather experience a "near-hit"
rather than a "near-miss"?

- Since computer programs are built with compilers, and since compilers are
themselves computer programs, who made the first compiler?

- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes ?

- How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning ?

- If a store is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors ?

- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to
the pan ?

- If you're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light, what happens
when you turn on the headlights ?

- You know that the flight recorder (black box) on a plane is
indestructible. So why don't they make the entire plane out of this
material ?

- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio ?

- If your best friend thanks you for something you say : "Well it's the
least I could do ?". Why do you do the least for your best friend ?

- Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots in W.W.II wear crash helmets ?

- Why does your line at the post-office always advances slower than the
others ?

- If we can make semi-conductors, why can't we make complete conductors?

- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

- Why do radio stations interrupt non-stop musicprograms to tell you
you're listening to a non-stop music program ?

- If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

- What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

- If Dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair
always so neatly combed?

- Why are America's parks and great outdoors administered by the Department
of the Interior?

- Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot
remover?

- If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be clear?

- Can you call someone on the other side of the international date line and
get tomorrow's winning lottery numbers?

- Can you really avoid injury in an airplane crash if you jump out when the
plane is just a few feet from the ground?

- Why do we use the phrase "recorded earlier"? Is there ANY other time to
record something?

- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

- If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

- You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?

- Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

- If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

- Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

- When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

- Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

- Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

- What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?

- Why is American FOOTball played by hand?

- If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move
10 miles away?

- Why do they have locks on cemetery gates?

- If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

- Do fish ever get thirsty ?

- Why don't they make cat food with MOUSES in it ?

- Why do people run for President if it costs more than the salary
of the President ?

- If murdering people is forbidden by the law, who turns the switch
at the electric chair?

- What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?

- Why are the numbers on a telephone and on a calculator not in the
same sequence ?

- If corn oil comes from corn....where does baby oil come from?

- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?

- Why do people put carpet on the lit of the toilet seat ?

- Why does washing powder always get better ? Can't they make a decent
powder the first time around ?

- If Bankers can count that good, why are there more windows than
clercks to sit behind them ?

- Why does a sandwich always fall on the floor with the buttered side
down ?

- What is E.L.O. singing after "Don't bring me down" ??

- How did the "Keep off the Grass" sign get in the yard?

- I dropped my soap on the floor. What do I clean it with?

- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

- There's a hole in my sock. If the threads aren't in my shoe,
where have they gone ?

- When a fly lands on the ceiling. Does it do a half roll or a half
looping ?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms--afraid someone will clean
them?

- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

- Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons ?

- Who is really supposed to read the sign that says "No Dogs (except
seeing-eye dogs)" at the post office? The dog?

- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting
out of the water?

- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

- What's another word for synonym ?

- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket
signs ?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?

- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays ?

- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow ?

- Why do they call it a hot water heater? If the water is hot...
why does it need to be heated ?

- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?

- Why do blind people wear sunglasses and
deaf people don't wear earmuffs ?

- Why is a waiter called a "waiter", when the customer is the one that
actually waits?

- What was going through the mind of the first person ever to pull on a
cow's udder?

- Where do they get seeds to grow seedless grapes?

- How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

- Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a
Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

- If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be
"hice"?

- If a woodchuck is called a woodchuck then shouldn't it chuck wood?

- If you see a turtle without it's shell, is it naked or homeless?

- What do they put for the hair color of a bald man on his driver's licence?

- How do blind people know when they've finished wiping in the bathroom ?

- If you choke a Smurf, what color would he turn ?

- If moths are nocturnal, then why on earth are they attracted to lights ?

***********

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Fun things to do with an ambulance

- Moon drivers that follow too close.

- Stop someone in a parking lot and ask if they've seen a dead person around here.

- Have sex on stretcher, while your partner drives.

- Let people that are in stretchers fall out the back.

- Make animal noises over the PA in dense fog while parked at the local eatery.

- Dress-up the ambulance like one of those murderous hot rods from "DEATH RACE 2000".

- Stop in the middle of the highway and turn sideways with the siren on.

- Accidentally drop air tanks out from the back.

- Leave with the doors open.

- Get "lost" so the first responders can do CPR a little bit longer.

- Use the PA & stereo to play very loud rock music in the neighborhoods at 2:00 am.

- Use the spot light to shine in house windows at 4:00 am.

- Drive backwards to the call

- Marking the number of victims who died in your ambulance

- Drive too fast over speed bumps

- Stop with the siren on at a gas station to fill it up

- Get involved in an accident

- Stop several times to ask for directions

- Drive by a McDonalds to ask if they want to buy fresh meat

- Shoot at the dogs that always chase the ambulance

- Replace the siren with the music of an ice-cream van

- If there's not enough work drive over people yourself

- Watch the movie "Mother jugs and speed" over and over again

- Fill the air tanks with liquids

- Ask your boss for the new Lamborghini Diablo ambulance

- Put a twirling discolight in the back.

- Stop to pick up killed animals

- Drive around the graveyard

- Paint the words "Satan loves you" on the side

- Throw bloody lambchops out of the back door

- Keep circling the same block with your head out the window and your tongue hanging out

- Park in a drive-in movie with siren on

- Drive to a morgue and ask if they got any live ones they want you to take

- Tie soda cans on the back and put up a sign that reads, "JUST DIED!"

- Attach a 15mm cannon to the hood to assist those people who insist in playing
deaf and blind when you're using lights and sirens.

**********************************

Things To Do In A Cinema - Apart From Watching The Film


- Run up and down pretending you are an aeroplane.

- Kiss your mate with slopping noises.

- Take a can of sardines and open it under a young girls seat.
+
- Have a mass orgy in the part between the front seats and the screen.

- Wear a tophat.

- Start a Mexican wave.

- Read the subtitles out loud during the whole movie.

- Take a shit in the seat.

- Take two cell phones and call yourself repeatedly.

- During a quiet scene, open a crinkly, noisy candy wrapper very slowly.

- Flatulence.

- Wear glow in the dark jewelry and/or clothing.

- Stand up on your seat and do the full monty.
When asked to leave tell the theater employee that it is your birthday and you should be entitled to wear your birthday suit.

- Stand up and announce to everyone, "I have to take a dump."

- Slurp through your straw for several minutes after you finish drinking your beverage.
When asked to stop, kindly remind everyone, "I paid $4.50 for this soda, and I'm not about to let any of it go to waste."

- Go down on your boyfriend.

- Lick your girlfriends sisters' pussy!

- Take a paintball gun and shoot at the projector so there'll be colored dots everywhere.

- Call out "Jerry, Jerry!" during every fighting scene.

- Go and see a thriller for the second time, stand up and shout:" He's the killer! "

- Roll a lit smoke bomb up, under the seats, to the front.

- Buy a gun and shoot the bad guys before the hero does !!

- Go see Titanic, cry in the beginning when they're boarding and
laugh hysterically at the big scene where the passengers are falling down into the propellers.

- Smoke Pot under your seat.

- Go in bathroom and put peanut butter on toilet paper and drop it on floor under stall.
Ask the guy next to you to please hand it to you.

- Wear glow in the dark clothing, change seats frequently.

- Make scary faces at someone's child so that they cry throughout the entire movie.

- Throw popcorn, try to make it land in an old lady's afro hair.

- Fuck your girlfriend.

- Throw licked lollipops at the screen so they stick to it.

- Make huge farting noises until people start leaving the theatre.

- Impress people with your ability to talk through the entire film

- Shout loudly what's going to happen next

- Read the book the movie's based on and listen to the soundtrack

- Try kicking through the chair of the person sitting in front of you

- When an actor appears on the screen ask the person sitting next to
you : Didn't he play in that movie with that other guy ?

- Play with your new laserbeam, try to hit the actors.
Make sound when you hit them.

- Reorganise your stamp collection.

- Count the seats.

- Laugh all the way through Schindler's List.

- See the movie once, then go a second time. Bring an air horn. Whenever someone is about
to swear, blow the air horn loudly. If anyone protestes, lecture them longly and loudly
about America's degrading morals, and claim you're just doing your part.

- Turn and look at the person behind you.

- Keep guessing what's going to happen next out loud, if it happens look at the person next
to you and say "see, I told you so."

- Take a jar full of moths. When the lights go down, open the jar. The moths will fly to the
projection window and put big shadows on the screen.

- Haha, well, you know! Added by Peewee Herman

- Walk around and yell out the name of your friend an say, "I know you're in here!"

- Take a soda straw and a napkin, make spitballs and shoot them at people.
If caught, act COMPLETELY innocent and claim that the other person is hallucinating.

- Make sure to put phonebooks on your chair and sit in front of someone in a non-crowded theatre

- Buy a huge soda and take a bathroom break every 5 minutes.

- Stick popcorn up your nose and shoot it at the other movie-going patrons.

- Make sexual noises while a quiet scene is playing.

- Always laugh in an annoying high pitched laugh, and when everyone looks at you, SNORT

[The_Neon_Cowboy]

Car Acronyms


AMC

All Makes of Cars
American Made Cr*p
A Mini Can

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Autobahn Usually Death-Implementing

BENZ

Because Engineers (k)Now Zen

BMW

Babbling Mechanical Wench
Bad Man Wagon
BART / Muni / Walking (transportation in San Francisco)
Basic Marin Wheels
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Because Mom's Wealthy
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Black Man's Wish
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Bob Marley and the Wailers
Born Moderately Wealthy
Bought My Wife
Brakes Might Work
Break My Windows
Break My Windshield
Bring Many Wrenches
Bring Mechanic's Wrench
Broken Money Waster
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Brutal Money Waster
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Buy More Weed

BUICK

Big Ugly Immitation Chrome King
Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Big Ugly Inexpensive Caucasian Klunker

CADILLAC

Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars

CAMARO

Can't Americans Make A Real One?

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Cracked Heads, Every Valve's Rotten, Oil Leaks Every Time
Crappy Hot-running Engine Very Rusted Lose Every Time

CHEVY

Can Have Everyone Violently Yakking
CHarged HEaVilY
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Continues Having Emissions Violations Yearly
Cruddy Hick Engine, Very Yucky
Crap Hidden (in) Every Vast Yard

CORVETTE

Could Old Roy Vector Eat The Tires Evenly

DODGE

Dang Old Dart Gets (it) Easy
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery - Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Drift On Down, Garage is Empty
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere

EDSEL

Even Dad Says Edsel's Lame
Every Day Something Else Leaks

FERRARI

Fanatieke Egoistische Rakkers Rijden Allemaal Rasechte Italianen

FIAT

Failed In A Tunnel
Failure In Automotive Technology
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Faulty Italian Automatic Transmission
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fix It Again, Tony!
Fix It All the Time
Flats In All Tires
Flying In A Tupolev
Found In A Trench
Futile Italians Attempt Transportation

FORD

Federation Of Retarded Drivers
Fix Or Repair Daily
Fickle Old Rusty Deathtrap
Fill Oil & Reserviors Daily
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
backwards --> Driver Returned On Foot
Fails On Rainy Days
Fastest On Road, Dip!
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Flip Over, Read Directions
Found On Road, Dead
Found On a Rubbish Dump
Found Outside Refuse Dump (Ref'use)
Found Outside Rotting Dump
Funny Old Rattling Dump
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos
Fucked On Race Day
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Forwarded Once; Return Denied (Forward Only; Reverse Defective)
Flying Over Rio DeJaneiro
Ford Owners Root Dogs
Found On Red Dumpster
Formed Of Rejected/Random/Recessive/Remaindered DNA
Friggin' Ol' Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Fault Of R&D
Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge
Fuck! Our Ride Died!
Final Organ of Reproductive Discipline
Follow Our Ruddy Dogsled
Fond Of Resonating Decibels
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Forgot Our Recommended Defaults
Foot On Road Decelerates
First Order of Reproductive Discipline
For Old, Rotten Deadbeat
Flintstone Or Rubble Driven
Fireball On Rear Denting
Frequently On Ritalin Designers
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Found On Russian Dump
Failed On Research & Development
Fatal Oral/Rectal Delivery
Famous Odor Resistant Dog
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver (onboard)
Falling Off: Rusty Door
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Found On Redneck's Driveway
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
F O R DNA
F O Return Denied
Found Outside R D
Fly Over R D
Failing Out R D
F O Rattling D
F O Run Down
Freaking Owner's Realy Dumb
Foreign Organization (of) Reckless Drivers
Fucking Overridden Ratty Dyke
Fuckin Old Rusty Dodge
Fucked Out of Real Driving
Fuckin off-road destroyer
Fucker Only Runs Downhill

Fabrication Ordinaire, Réparation Difiçile

FORD-GT

Fucked-up Over Rebuilt Dodge Glued Together

GEO

Generally Engine's/Everything's Obsolete
Grease Everywhere, Overnight

GM

General Maintenance
Goddarned Mess

GMC

Generally Mechanically Challenged
Garage Man's Companion
General Mass of Crap
Generally Mediocre Cars
German Milk Cow
Get More Chicks
God's Mechanical Curse
Got More Cr*p
Got Maintenance Coming
Got a Mechanic Coming / Gotta Mechanic Coming
Great malfunctioning crate

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Another.
Heifers Only Need 'Dis Automobile
Hunk Of Nasty Dung, Always

HYUNDAI

Here, You're Underpowered - Needs Daily Assistance Inside
How Your Usual Nerd Drives An Import
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...

IROC

I Race Other Cars
I Run Over Children
I'd Rather Own a Corvette
I'm Really Out of Cash
It's Really Only a Camaro
Italian Retard Out Cruising

JEEP

Jalopy. Everyone Excessively Pricy
Jumps Everything Except Pumps
Just Empty Every Pocket
Just Eats Every Part
Just Every Essential Part

LOTUS

Lots Of Trouble Usually Serious

LTD

Long Term Debt
Lousy Transportation, Dammit!
Little Tin Dream
Last Try from Detroit
Long, Thin Dumpster
Long Time Driving
Lousy Trash, Dammit!

MAZDA

Made A Zipperhead Dough Again
Miles At Zero, Dead Anyway
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MB

Mechanics Beware
Money Bleeder
Made Beautiful

MERCEDES

Making Engineered Race Cars; Every Day Extreme Speed
Mechanially Excellent Real Cars Every Driver Envies Sight
Most Every Road Car Engineered During Electrical Storm
Most Every Road Car Easily Diesels Every Sunday
Marketing Executives Rarely Cease, Eating Dough Each Sale
Making Executives Real Classy Even Dumb Ego'ed Salesmen
May Eat Real Cash, Ever Dreading Evil Salesmen

MERCEDES-BENZ

Masterfully Engineered, Rarely Crash, Every Day E's Speed Because Engineers Need Zip!

MG

Money Guzzler
Mostly Garaged

MINIVAN

Manhood Is Not Intact, Vasectomized And Neutered

MITSUBISHI

Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete

MOPAR

Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Old Parts Assembled Randomly
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG

Messed Up Shit That Ain't No Good

NISSAN

Needs Improved Safety System At Night
Na iedere start snel alles nakijken

OLDS

Old Lemons Dying Slowly
One Leak, Dead Starter

OLDSMOBILE

Old Laggards Driving Slowly, Miffing Owners (of) Beemers, Isuzus, Lexuses, Eagles.
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking Everything.
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

OPEL

Ousted Problematic Export Leaker

PEUGEOT

Probeer Eens Uw Geluk En Ondervind Trammelant

PINTO

Paid Inspector Nicely to overlook
Please, Invest Nothing To Operate
Put In Nickel To Operate
Put In New Trans Often

PLYMOUTH

Please Leave Your Mechanic Out Under The Hood
Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood

PONTIAC

Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities

PORSCHE

Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense
Piece Of Rotten, Steaming, Creamy Hot Excrement
Probably Obtained Recently Since Car-owner Hocked Everything
Proudly Own Real Sports Car, However, Expensive
Engine Heats up, Car Stops Running, Over Priced (backwards)

PROBE

Plainly Runs Only By Exception
Probably Runs On Belching Engines

RENAULT

Rampspoed En Narigheid Achtervolgen U Lange Tijd

SAAB

Send Another Automobile Back
Something An Asshole Bought
Stupid, Arrogant Arsehole Babies
Such An Arrogant B**tard
Swedish Automobile - Always Broken
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Swedish Automobiles Are Best

SUBARU

Stupid Useless Bitch Ass Rusted Unit
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually.
(backwards) U-R-A-Bus

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Too Old Yuppies Own This Automobile
Towed Often, Yearly Over-running Triple A

TRANS AM

This Really Aint Nothing So Amazing Mister

VIPER

Various Intoxicating Pills Eliminate Racers
Very Important Persons Exterminated Rapidly
Very Inconspicuous - Police Earn Rewards

VOLVO

Vehicle Of Low Velocity Output
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Volgende Onderdeel Ligt Verder Op

VOLKSWAGEN

Vehicle Obsolete Leaving Kraut Showroom With A Ghastly Engine (k)Nock
Vehicle Of Loser Krauts Some Wacky Austrian Guy Endorsed Nationally

VW

Vain Woman
Valuable wagon
Very Wonderful
Very Wanted
Virtually Worthless
Virulent Wheels
Voodoo Witch
(BEETLE) Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine

YUGO

Your Ugly Gay Oldsmobile
Your Uncle Goes Out
Yugoslavian Ugly Goat Oil