Joke Thread

No_Style · Jun 26, 2003, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY !!!

No wonder your hands are tired ... It must of taken you hours to post them !!
Some I haven't seen before .... and some I have enjoyed reading again .....

Thanks for taking the time to share them with us Pete .............. Good show

Edit Note: I may have to rename this thread "Pete's Joke Thread"

First post was at 6:10 AM and his last post was at 8:08 AM.

2 hours

kinetic · Jun 26, 2003, 12:39 PM

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"
So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on."
She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine."
He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."
So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Mac Daddy · Jun 26, 2003, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by No_Style
First post was at 6:10 AM and his last post was at 8:08 AM. 2 hours

I thought as much NS ....... He's insane ........ I like that !!

Hey nice one Kinetic ......... but again from the male perspective .... So painfully true .. Women have the power

But I like that too ....... Women with attitude and self confidence ... Always catch Mac Daddy's eye ... the way it should be !!

Here's one I thought belonged here from Roadee ....... So I'm importing it ......... BUD !!!!!

Quote:

Originally posted by Roadee
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The cop was stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

If ya don't agree Roadee ... we can duke it out on FW BUD

**Roadee** · Jun 27, 2003, 04:40 AM

Cool move Mac.........and you might just catch me in the mood sometime to duke it out with you in the FW.....but not over this.....

patje · Jun 27, 2003, 05:35 AM

Ya'll know the tennis sisters Serena and Venus Williams right?

well i heard them talk in the dressingroom when i was @ wimbeldon, here goes:

Venus: Say, Serena, I 'm suspecting dad is putting some kind of steroids in our drink.
Serena: What gave you that idea?
Venus: well, i'm starting to get hair on places where i never had hair before.
Serena: Serious? where?
Venus: On my testicles!

Mac Daddy · Jun 27, 2003, 07:28 AM

LMAO .......... patje ........ LMAO

Thats nasty !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kinetic · Jun 27, 2003, 01:22 PM

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Kgentatszu] · Jun 27, 2003, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by kinetic
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

ROTFLOL~ a good one...

**Roadee** · Jun 27, 2003, 02:17 PM

Mr. Norton was being bothered by his son to go into a rest home for a very long time. Finally tired of hearing about it he decides to make a deal with his son to go there and stay a week and see how it goes, but if he doesn't like it, he get's to come home and nothing more is ever said about it. His son agree's. So the next day they go to the rest home and get settled in and his son goes home.

The next day he wakes up when a nurse walks into his room. He see's her staring at him with a smile and get's imbarrassed to see that he has a little pup tent. The nurse tell's him that this is a special place and that she would be more than happy to take care of it for him. Suprised, Mr Norton whisk off his cover and the nurse just goes to town on him.

When the nurse leaves, Mr. Norton is so happy that he calls his son to tell him all about it. Hearing this his son is very happy for him and tell's him that he knew that he would like staying there.

Later on, after breakfast, Mr. Norton decides to go out in the garden and feed the pigeon's. On his way there he noticed a guy that was acting a little "fruity". Unable to bear listening to the fruity guy Mr. Norton decides to go back inside and play some checker's. On the way back he step's in a hole and fall's down. The fruity guy seeing this runs over real quick and just grab's his ass and pounds the hell out of him.

In pain, and wanting nothing more than to get out of there, Mr. Norton call's his son. His son hear's what his father has to say, and tries everything to get him to stay there, so he doesn't have to take care of him.

"Dad, I just don't see what the problem is......this morning you called me and told me about the Nurse and how great everything was.......now just because of this one little incident you want to come home??"

"Well son, you have to look at things my way.........I might get a hard on about once every three or four month's..................but I fall down three or four times a day!!!"

Mac Daddy · Jun 27, 2003, 11:14 PM

First Night:

A Woman walked into the beer store one day.
The man at the counter asked what she wanted.
She replied a case of Budweiser ......

She walked out into the alley ... drank the entire case of beer and passed out.
Some college students passing by noticed the woman ... And had there way with her......

Second night:

Same woman walks into the beer store.
The man at the counter asked what she wanted.
She replied a case of Budweiser ......

She walked out into the alley again ... drank the entire case ....... and passed out .
The same college students happened to be passing by ... And had there way with her again ........

Third Night:

The Woman walks into the beer store ........
The man at the counter ... recognizing the woman .. Says ... A case of Budweiser ... right ????

The woman replies NO ......... Molson Canadian ....... Budweiser makes my pussy SORE

**Roadee** · Jun 28, 2003, 08:09 PM

pretty good one Mac.....

digerati · Jun 28, 2003, 08:44 PM

These jokes always bring mixed responses. But here we go.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits until your a teenager before it comes all over your face.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A family took a trip to France. They toured most of the country and finally decided on spending a day on a nude beach. The family consists of a mother, father, and son. The son was only 5 so the parents didn't see any harm taking him to a nude beach because he didn't have sexual urges yet. So they pull into the parking lot, get out, strip down, and open up the trunk. The father runs off to view the scenery and the mother starts unpacking the car and setting up a place on the sand. She turns to her son who is following her everywhere and tells him to go exploring so off he goes. He returns 10 minutes later.

Kid: "Mommy! Mommy! I saw some men with some really big peniseses!"
Mother: "Now listen son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are. Now go look at something else."

So the kid went off again and returns again in 10 minutes.

Kid: "Mommy! Mommy! I saw some women with really big boobies!"
Mother: "Now listen son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are. Lunch is ready, go get your father."

The kid runs off and returns 5 minutes later.

Kid: "Mommy! Mommy! Daddy was talking to this really dumb girl and daddy was getting dumber by the minute!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night little Johnny was laying down in his bed and he heard some noises coming from his parents room. So he ran out and opened there door and saw his mom going up and down on his dad.

Johnny: "Mommy! What're you doing to daddy!?"
Mother: "Uh...emm...I'm just flattening him down son."
Johnny: "Well that's no good, cause the lady nextdoor comes over everyday your at work and blows him right back up again."

Kgentatszu] · Jun 28, 2003, 09:40 PM

hey mate, is there really a nude beach??

jkayca2 · Jun 29, 2003, 07:37 PM

* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was
room-temperature prime English beef.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in
the City" comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot oil.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

* Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for
a while.

* "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student
on $1-a-beer night.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

* She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall.

~~craig588~~ · Jun 29, 2003, 07:53 PM

" The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't" Thanks like the quote from HHGTTG "They floated exactly the way that bricks don't"

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 03:51 AM

Make him watch his own show.
Make him gargle broken glass.
Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades. (kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!)
Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists.
Send him to Sea World to see Shamu - enough said
Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway.
Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November.
Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica".
Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican bobsled in the 1998 Winter Olympics.
Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss Colony store display model.
Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's Day.
Shoot him.
"Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...."
Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed, Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off.
Donate his body to science...early.
Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's knee-caps as conversation pieces.
Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it take to get to the middle of a Barney?" Peel off layers of skin one at a time.
Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.
Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch his body explode.
Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!
Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery).
Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things for a year or so...
Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and breaded is my personal favourite) then grind up his bones for fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney. Then repeat the process as many times as you like...
Sew his lips to his rectum.
Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.
Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.
Toss him into a blast furnace.
Make him a referee in an NHL game.
Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your vegetables.
Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book.
Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.
Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal until he screams.
Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps.
Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...
Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the floor. Don't give him a needle and thread.
Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the vultures have him. I am not sure that is a good idea because we don't need to be that cruel to the vultures.
Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by!
There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be considered water pollution.
Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest depths of hell" 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch long.
Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt.
Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See how effective that torture method *really* is.
Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...)
Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.
Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites, without environmental gear.
Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench.
Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next launch.
Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes before the next test.
Send him to Somalia as famine relief.
Target practice.
Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite factory.
Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane. Then throw the chute after him.
Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping out.
Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.
Cruise missile target.
Plutonium enema.
"Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate."
Send him to Miami in a rented car.
Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.
Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.
Make him become a politician in Mexico.
Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.
Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show"
Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of balance.
Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him.
Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug' now!?!"
Shave his fur. ALL of it.
The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the Barney juices.
Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends" tapes with "Beavis 'n' Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to death.
Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear generating station.
Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.
Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the sex-starved convicts after him.
Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the Sears tower too!
Let him take a New York Subway at night.
Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (That is the water barriers, not the other kind).
Use him as a bungee cord.
Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)
Let him help put out forest fires.
Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the beast.
Throw him into a combine.
Bazooka blast to the cranium.
Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said.
Tie him up like a pinata and have small Mexican children beat it to death.
Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.
Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.
Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction.
Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60.
Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is that they're mostly purple too).
Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing fire.
Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station AFTER the next evacuation.
Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical - Nuclear Warfare unit.
Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and powdered aluminum. (use lots of both... < 100 pounds... mix well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler.
Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.
See if liquid helium has similar effects.
Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You'll need another sparkler.
Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.
Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill him!
Microwave ovens work wonders.
Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to Achy Breaky Heart, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!
Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.
Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself.
Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on the Earth.
Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their raise.
Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters.
Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and napalm. #2 is full of pepper.
Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.
Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.
Put him in Crypt gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible)
Drain-O milkshakes.
Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler".
Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church
Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM. (Or not... See #12)
"Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid."
Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.
Send him to France an have him declare he's American.
Let him drink the water in Guadalahara.
Get him married to OJ Simpson.
Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy.
Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.
100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.
Tell the NRA he supports gun control.
Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal. (reversible)
A Black Hole.
"Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than you......."
Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)
Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix Cube.
"Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?"
Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.
Tell him piranhas like to be petted.
Fill the sandbox with quicksand.
Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head. (too bad you won't find anything!)
Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the meat and serve it, though!)
Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly, and painfully!).
Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch the fun.
Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies.
Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach down the purple one's throat( a funnel may come in handy) then stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt his organs from the inside out.
Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day; you've made a new treat! "JURASSIC FRITTERS"!
Sign him up as the new drummer for "Spinal Tap".
Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and send him to Rush Limbaugh's house.
Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies.
Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats (preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes). If you get tired of this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door. (See note on #132)
Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death.
Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher.
Introduce him to a pit bull.
Stuff him down the garbage disposal.
Mummify him.
Give him drowning lessons.
Nitroglycerin suppository
Paper cuts from hate mail
Wine press
Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
Exploding gas barbecue
Rusty meat hook
Pulp digester / Saw mill
Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu
Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
Exploding school bus
Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide
Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
Asphyxiation on a twinkie
Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck (with static line?)
1000 RPM merry-go-round
Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road
Tail caught in elevator doors
Legalization of purple slavery
Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric)
Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a symbol for white supremacy)
Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun. 'after burners?')
Submerged into a CANDU reactor
Swarmed by killer bees
Purple parasites
Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he the ring leader in disguise already?)
Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn't want him)
Accupunture with a nail gun
Hit and run at a school crossing
Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens (Again, why would they want him?)
Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
Harpooned by a whaling ship
OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.
Run over by a Zamboni
"Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
Crushed between plates in a fault line.
Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?
Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
NATO air strike.
Egyptian mummification ritual.
Visit to the taxidermist.
Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.
Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
Bludgeoned to purple paste.
Compressed to a singularity.
Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label)
Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
Heat pasteurization.
Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams).
Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
Make him deliver the new Canadian or US budget to the angry college students (including me).
Peel his skin off, dissolve it in battery acid, and force him to drink the solution, then chainsaw him to death.
Cover him with flesh eating ants, set him on fire, cover him with flesh eating ants again, set him on fire again, then shoot him.
Shrink him with a shrinking potion, then step on him.
Pull out every single one of his evil hairs, then rip out his spinal cord and strangle him with it.
Force him to drink a few gallons of nitroglycerine and then force him to dance at gunpoint (no--rusty spoon-point would be better)!!
Fill his intestines with Helium, then let him float up like a balloon and let the air force use him for target practice.
Force the stupid kids on his show to eat him alive!!

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:00 AM

1. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

2. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

3. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

4. Ask the widow to give you an enema.

5. Leave some phony dog mess on top of the deceased.

6. Drive behind the widow's limousine and keep honking your horn.

7. Place a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased.

8. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.

9. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

10. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

11. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

12. Tell the undertaker that your dog has just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.

13. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she have sex with you.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

16. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

19. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

48 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

2. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

3. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

4. Blow spit bubbles.

5. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

6. Bring a chair along.

7. Burp, and then say "Mmmmm...tasty!"

8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

9. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

11. Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"

12. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn-it, all of you just shut UP!"

15. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

16. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!

17. Lean against the button panel.

18. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

19. Leave a box between the doors.

20. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

22. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

23. Meow occasionally.

24. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

25. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

26. One word: Flatulence!

27. Play the harmonica.

28. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

29. Say "Ding" at each floor.

30. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

31. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

32. Shave.

33. Shadow box.

34. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

35. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

36. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

37. Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

38. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

39. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

40. Start a sing-along.

41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

42. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

43. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

44. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

45. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

46. When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

47. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

48. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WALLMART
. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

2. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

3. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

4. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

8. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;
explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

9. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin - to the batcave!"

10. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.

11. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

13. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

14. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

15. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, ex., "Do you have any Shnerples
here?"

16. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

19. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

20. Play with the automatic doors.

21. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

22. Put M&M's on layaway.

23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

24. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

25. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

26. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

27. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

28. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

29. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

30. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

31. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

32. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from bed and bath.

33. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

34. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

35. Take bets on the battle described above.

36. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

37. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-men.

38. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

39. TP as much of the store as possible.

40. Two words: "Marco Polo."

41. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

42. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.

43. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in a long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.

44. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, Scream "No, no! It's those voices again!"

45. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quick make off with it without saying a word.

47. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

48. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

49. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the ant-depressants are.
Act as spastic as possible.

50. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap,
anyway?"

50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE

. Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking
the CIA.

2. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

3. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

4. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

5. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.

6. Auction your date off for silverware.

7. Beg your date to tattoo your name on her ass. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

8. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

9. Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle.
Chant.

10. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date,
pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

11. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

12. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

13. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

14. Drool.

15. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

16. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part
of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What the hell took you so
long in the bathroom."

17. Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... (ex.
Anything that isn't bolted down.)

18. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good taste or good judgment in editing to
twist their words around.

19. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

20. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

21. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

22. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

23. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and
say "Boy, did you get ripped off!"

24. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bit of everything to
make sure no one has poisoned your food.

25. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

26. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

27. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for
the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your place.
Watch the waiters face.

28. Order a bucket of lard.

29. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

30. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

31. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

32. Pull out a harmonica and play blue songs when your date begins talking about themself.

33. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

34. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

35. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

36. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.

37. Repeat every third third word you say.

38. Sacrifice French Fries to the great deity, Pomme.

39. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because
it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

40. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

41. Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

42. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

43. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

44. Take a break, and go to the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of
one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out.

45. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

46. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

47. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and
where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

48. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

49. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

50. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:04 AM

1. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

2. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

3. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

4. Born free... taxed to death.

5. Caution I Brake For Hookers.

6. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

8. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

9. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

10. Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

11. Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

12. Don't Follow me I'm lost.

13. Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can.

14. Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

15. Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU.

16. Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often.

17. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

18. Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

19. Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.

20. Hang Up And Drive!

21. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

22. Honk if you have had sex with Clinton.

23. HORN DOES NOT WORK - WATCH FOR FINGER!

24. House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?

25. I am not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.

26. I am objective, I object to everything.

27. I drive like this to piss you off!

28. I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.

29. I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

30. I love cats.....they taste just like chicken.

31. I may be slow but I'm in front of you.

32. I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

33. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

34. I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it.

35. If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

36. If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range.

37. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

38. If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.

39. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

40. If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion.

41. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

42. If you're cute, single, and rich, HONK!

43. If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

44. It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

45. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

46. "It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter"

47. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks your an asshole!

48. Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you.

49. "KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING.

50. Kids in the backseat cause accidents... accidents in the backseat cause kids.

51. Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!

52. Life is like a straw, it sucks.

53. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

54. Madness takes its toll - please have exact change ready.

55. Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

56. My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

57. Nice People Swallow!

58. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

59. Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.

60. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

61. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

62. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

63. Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS.

64. Take me drunk, I'm home.

65. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

66. The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.

67. The more I learn, the less I understand.

68. This car is not abandoned!

69. This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random.

70. Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes.

71. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

72. WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.

73. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

74. We are the people our parents warned us about.

75. When there's a will, I want to be in it!

76. Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that.

77. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

78. Zero to dick in 60 seconds.

100 FUNNY WAYS TO ORDER A PIZZA

1. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters Camp, right?"

2. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. "Simulate a cutoff.

3. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

4. Answer their questions with questions.

5. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

6. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

7. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

8. Ask if the pizza has its shots.

9. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

10. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

11. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

12. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be
done to your pizza.

13. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

14. Ask to see a menu.

15. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

16. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

17. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Charonnay.

18. Be vague in your order.

19. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

20. Call and ask for a deal that is somewhere else. (ex. If calling Domino's ask for a Chesser! Chesser!)

21. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

22. Call up and order a pizza to have delivered. After you already hung up the phone call back and order an other pizza
pretending you never called the first time. Keep this Process up.

23. Change your accent every 3 seconds.

24. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

25. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

26. Do not name the topping you want. Rather, spell them out.

27. Doze off in the middle of the order, wake up, and say "where was I? Who are You?"

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Engage in some serious swapping.7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

30. Get the taker's name. Later call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake up call, so-and-so."
Hang up.

31. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

32. haggle.

33. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW! When a bullet is fired.

34. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

35. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

36. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right say "OK, that'll be 10.99; please pull up to the first window.

37. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the who is taking the order to stop that.

38. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds through out the order.

39. Imitate the order taker's voice.

40. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

41. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

42. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

43. Make a list of exotic Cruisines. Order them as toppings.

44. Make the first topping on your order mushrooms. Make sure the last thing you say is "No Mushrooms please."
Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

45. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

46. Move the mouthpiece farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place
and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

47. Mumble, "There's a bomb under you seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smoothed with meat'."

48. Never say the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "please don't mention that word."

49. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
(number 100). Say in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

50. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a cractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if
they need paper.

51. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

52. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

53. Order a one-inch pizza.

54. Order a steamed pizza.

55. Order term life insurance.

56. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

57. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

58. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

59. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit-can't- hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

60. Play a sitar in the background.

61. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

62. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

63. Put the accent of the last syllable of "pepperoni." use the long "I" sound.

64. Put them on hold

65. Quote Carl Sandberg.

66. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become
disoriented.

67. Rent a pizza.

68. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

69. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!"
When they finally offer that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask " do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

70. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

71. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it, if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to
arrive so you can surprise him/her.

72. Say "kssssssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

73. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

74. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

75. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

76. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying. "This may be my last entry."

77. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and ... action!"

78. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

79. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

80. Stutter on the letter "P."

81. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

82. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

83. Tell the order taker your depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

84. Tell the person taking the order that a rival pizza place is on the other line and your going with the lowest bidder.

85. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

86. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

87. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

88. Try to talk while drinking something.

89. Use CB lingo where applicable.

90. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph Mary in Tinsel Town."

91. Use these words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN!

92. When he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I will not be swayed by your sweet words."

93. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

94. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. when it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say
"You just don't get it, do you?"

95. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.

96. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

97. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

98. When you've given the price, say "Oooooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.

99. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

100. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
1. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

2. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

3. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

4. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!

5. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

6. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

7. But everybody looks funny naked!

8. But I just brushed my teeth...

9. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Can you please pass me the remote control?

12. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

13. Did I mention the video camera?

14. Did I remember to take my pill?

15. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

16. Did you cum yet, dear?

17. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

18. Do you accept Visa?

19. Do you get any premium movie channels?

20. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

21. Do you smell something burning?

22. Does this count as a date?

23. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

24. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.

25. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

26. Got any penicillin?

27. Have you ever considered liposuction?

28. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

29. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

30. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

31. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

32. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober.

33. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

34. I have a confession.

35. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

36. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

37. I think biting is romantic - don't you?

38. I think you have it on backwards.

39. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

40. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:06 AM

41. I want a baby!

42. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

43. I wish we got the Playboy channel.

44. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Inquirer".

45. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.

46. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

47. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

48. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead.

49. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

50. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

51. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

52. Is that a hanging sculpture?

53. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

54. Is this a sin too?

55. Is that blood on the headboard?

56. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

57. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

58. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.

59. Long kisses clog my sinuses.

60. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
Woman: Yourself?

61. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.

62. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

63. No, really... I do this part better myself!

64. Now I know why he/she dumped you.

65. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

66. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

67. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

68. Person 1: This is your first time.. right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today!

69. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

70. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise.

71. (Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

72. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

73. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'?

74. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

75. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

76. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

77. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

78. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

79. Sorry but I don't do toes!

80. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

81. That leak better be from the waterbed!

82. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

83. This would be more fun with a few more people.

84. Try breathing through your nose.

85. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

86. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

87. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

88. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

89. What tampon?

90. When is this supposed to feel good?

91. When would you like to meet my parents?

92. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

93. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

94. You look younger than you feel.

95. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

96. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

97. You woke me up for that?

98. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

99. You're almost as good as my ex!

100. You're good enough to do this for a living!

101. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

223 WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Always flush the toilet 3 times.

2. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

3. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your
roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

4. Ask your roommate if Al, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

5. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music. Explain that Al has a headache.

6. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

7. Become a subgenus.

8. Become Forest Gump!

9. Bowl inside your room. Set up tournaments with other people in your dorm or building. Award someone a trophy. |
If your roommate wants to bowl, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

10. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken
window as you normally would.

11. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have
them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

12. Buy a McDonalds "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

13. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

14. Burn incense.

15. Buy a bunch of Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the very next day that, that
one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

16. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate
complains, explain that it's a assignment for your primitive culture class.

17. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.

18. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops up. Scream continuously for twenty
minutes.

19. Buy a lobster and pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own
rules.

20. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside in. Spend a week thinking about what to
wish for. At the end of the week, complain that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your
roommate.

21. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't
live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot.
Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

22. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're
not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

23. Buy a watermelon and draw a face on it. Give the watermelon a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can
sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide.
Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

24. Buy some knives and sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon,
soon..."

25. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

26. Buy the movie "Titanic", watch it every time your roommate walks in. When the ship hits the iceberg, start crying
and go to your roommate for support.

27. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

28. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

29. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few
weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that
anymore, Murray."

30. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has beenstaring at you. The next day,
tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Tell your roommate that you really
don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.

31. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

32. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered
his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possesions immediately.

33. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret
word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

34. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggy. Leave the baggy near your computer and snack from it
while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close an eye him/her suspiciously.

35. Collect all your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

36. Collect Chia-Pets.

37. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room.
Laugh at the pencil.

38. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and
explain, "It had to be done."

39. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one of the potatoes after your roommate.
Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few day's, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat
it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

40. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.

41. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there."
Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

42. Create an army of animal crackers. Put the crackers through basic training. Create little checkpoints around the
room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Tell your
roommate to apologize to the camel.

43. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like your holding it, keep a litter box under your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

44. Cry a lot.

45. Do a needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few
minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

46. Don't ever flush.

47. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry it's not what you think." If
he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

48. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it better every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

49. Dress in drag.

50. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at
your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

51. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

52. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your
face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

53. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor.
Say you got sick.

54. Dye all your underwear lime green.

55. Eat glass.

56. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate
inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

57. Eat moths.

58. Eat raw pasta for dinner.

59. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home and come back in an hour
and explain that no one was home.

60. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a ..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some
ice cream.

61. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"

62. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, no! Where am I?" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then
go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

63. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're Back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for
five minutes. After, look at your watch and say "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

64. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in
a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt it's feelings. Watch T.V. with
the pig. Eats lots of bacon.

65. Fake a heart attack. Watch your roommate gets the paramedics. When the paramedics come pretend nothing has
happened.

66. Fake a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving
everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously recover. Insist your roommate to write out a will leaving
everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"

67. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later
on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.

68. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that,
send the mail to him/her by UPS.

69. Follow him/her around on weekends.

70. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the
beautiful foliage.

71. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

72. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed.
Snicker at your roommate every morning.

73. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you have a problem, ask each of your walls. Then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

74. Give him/her an allowance.

75. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your
roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:07 AM

76. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your
roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking
steroids.

77. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down
and wrap your head in bandages. When your roommate looks above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold
your head, and mutter, "Stupid horeshoe..."

78. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting
like monkey and claim that the tire sing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again,
continue acting like a monkey.

79. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done
that to me."

80. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a
cannibal.

81. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Ho's in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the
trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash, before you get hungry, demand that she/he
reimburses you.

82. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

83. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

84. Hit your roommate in the head with a book. Claim that you were trying to kill a fly.

85. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

86. If you get home before your roommate does, go to sleep in his/her bed.

87. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat naked Tibetan man rum
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

88. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed,
muttering, "Ungrateful little..."

89. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

90. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dextrin and MSG.

91. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you
go to bed.

92. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day.
Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

93. Invite the Dean to a sleepover.

94. Invite the school President to a sleepover.

95. Invite your roommate to a sleepover.

96. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks about it, say, "Oh,
he's around here, somewhere."

97. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room
entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

98. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then
become angry, shouting at the worms and they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

99. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain
that it is for your performing art class. (Or hit him/her with the wrench.)

100. Kill several people. Then store the corpses underneath your roommates bed. Call the police and blame it on your
roommate.

101. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up
stories involving you and your roommate.

102. Learn to levitate. When your roommate isn't looking. float up out of your seat. When she/he turns to look, fall back
down and grin.

103. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

104. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

105. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.

106. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.

107. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool
me." Sign them in blood.

108. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about
it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

109. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your
roommate for locking you out.

110. Let mice loose in his/her room.

111. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate says anything, pretend not to hear anything.

112. Lick him/her while they are asleep.

113. Listen to radio static.

114. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm
naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your
clothes, and ignore your roommate.

115. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.

116. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying,
"Speedy Delivery" until she/he comes out.

117. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it,
and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

118. Make cue cards for your roommate. Give them out when ever you want to have a conversation.

119. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them
for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a
self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking
bribes.

120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look
at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

121. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.

122. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.

123. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually
glue everything he/she owns to the ceiling.

124. Open the window before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

125. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you try to attempt to crawl through
it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid road runner..."

126. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

127. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.

128. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

129. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

130. Punch a hold in the T.V. Set and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.

131. Put a plate of cookies out at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the sandman. Take a bite out of the cookies
while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If
he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that
those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

132. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.

133. Put horseradish in your shoes.

134. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

135. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain
that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

136. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep under there and pile your dirty clothes of the empty bedframed. If
your roommate says anything mutter "I have to save space" twenty times while twitching violently.

137. Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Then constantly make mistake's on simple math equations. (ex.
"2+2=3? No, 5! No...")

138. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494!)

139. Recite entire movie scripts. (ex. "The Road Warrior, "Repo Man, "Casablanca,")

140. Refer to your roommate using terms of endearment sweetcheeks, honeybuns, etc... slap his her face if they do the
same.

141. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

142. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents. (Postage due)

143. Repeat the last word of everything your roommate says. (ex. Your Roommate: "How are you doing today?" You
say "Today... Today...")

144. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in,
turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

145. Send flowers to your roommate. Attach a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them,
start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

146. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.

147. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of
delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.

148. Set up meeting with your roommates faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes,
and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

149. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead."
Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, he/she deserved it.

150. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain
that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her
shadow.

151. Shave one eyebrow.

152. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can't find the book you want.

153. Shoot rubber bands at him/her while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

154. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donar, organ donar.

155. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your
roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."

156. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes
a lot faster with two players."

157. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

158. Skip on the way to the bathroom.

159. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it's rotten.

160. Smile. All the time.

161. Smoke ball-point pens.

162. Speak in tongues.

163. Spend all your money on transformers. Play with them every night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her
with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

164. Spend lots of money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of the room and number them. Refuse
to recycle them.

165. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.

166. Start a brothel.

167. Start a food drive on campus to feed your roommate. Comment on how fat he/she getting.

168. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your
Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she
has offended your people and put a curse
on roommate.

170. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A
king?"

171. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

172. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.

173. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic
beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

174. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.

175. Study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.

176. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

177. Switch the sheets on your beds while he/she is at class.

178. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Stand guard at the fort for an entire weekend.

179. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:08 AM

180.Talk about the government's attempt to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your
roommate explains that it's only water. Say "Ha! That's what they want you think!"

181. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to
clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

182. Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.

183. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

184. Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.

185. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you
can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh yeah, I remember now!" Pretend to faint again. Keep
this up for several weeks.

186. Tell your roommate that someone called for them and said that it was really important but you can't remember who
it was.

187. Tell your roommate you are now a vegetarian and complain anytime he/she eats meat.

188. Tell your roommate your toe hurts, and whenever your toe hurts that means there's goin' to be an earthquake soon.
While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. Explain the earthquake hit, but only on
one side of the room.

189. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited and tell your roommate that you hit the bullseye.

190. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for him/her to come back. When he/she
does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they were here again."

191. Twitch a lot.

192. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts Throw some of your
roommates possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

193. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right
before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."

194. Walk and talk backwards.

195. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful
recovery. Start walking backwards again.

196. Walk into walls.

197. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

198. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate
is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, stand in front of the window again.

199. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds can I take your...Oh, it's just
you." Take off the hat, sit and put.

200. Wear a silly hat.

201. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

202. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, "I'm watching you."

203. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and
cursing.

204. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

205. When your roommate comes out of the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

206. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities.
After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

207. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers.
Use a telescope.

208. Whenever he/she goes to take a shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go take a shower to.

209. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask him/her questions that start with "Did'ja ever wonder why..." be
creative.

210. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for you roommate, breathe into the phone for five seconds then hang up.

211. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

212. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

213. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit
your head on the ceiling. Fall onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep
every night for a month.

214. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and
circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"

215. Whenever your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and
loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

216. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

217. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest
of the day.

218. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait a minute and stand up. Tell him/her that you're going to take a shower.
Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

219. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under
your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it is back.

220. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron
inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.

221. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold
your head, and moan.

222. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.

223. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:12 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by peterosesbookie
* Friendly fire - isn't.

* If the enemy is in range, so are you.

* When in doubt, empty the magazine.

* Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

* Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

* Tracers work both ways.

* "Aim towards Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

* "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit"

* When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

* If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.

* Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit
the ground.

* It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.

* Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.

* You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.

* Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

* Incoming fire has the right of way.

* Five second fuses only last three seconds.

* Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb. bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

* The easy way is always mined.

* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.

* Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

* If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

* Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

* Push to test... Release to detonate.

* No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out.

* Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

* Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

* The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

* Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

* The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready
for them. When you're not ready for them.

* Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

* The side with the simplest uniforms win

* When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

* If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission

properly.

this is the other version ............

20 RULES OF MURPHY 'S LAW OF COMBAT

1. A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

2. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

4. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

5. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

6. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

7. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

8. Incoming fire has the right of way.

9. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

10. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

11. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

12. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

13. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

14. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

15. The easy way is always mined.

16. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

17. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

When you're ready for them.

When you're not ready for them.

18. There is always a way.

19. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

20. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:21 AM

1. Absent-minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

2. Childish - Pisses directly into bottom of urinal. Likes to see the bubbles.

3. Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

4. Conceited - Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

5. Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

6. Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

7. Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

8. Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

9. Efficient - Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

10. Excitable -Shorts half twisted around. Cannot find hole. Rips shorts.

11. Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

12. Frivolous - Plays stream up, down, and across urinal, tries to hit fly or butt.

13. Indifferent - All urinals being used. Pisses in sink.

14. Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

15. Patient - Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

16. Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stale will get blamed.

17. Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

18. Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

19. Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

20. Worried - Not sure where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.

THE TOP 16 PICK UP LINES AND COME BACKS

16. Can I call you. What's your number?
...It's in the phone book.

15. Can I know your name.
...That's in the phone book too.

14. Haven't I seen you someplace before?
...Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

13. I can tell that you want me.
...Yes, I want you to leave.

12. I know how to please a woman.
...Then please leave me alone.

11. I want to give myself to you.
...Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

10. I'd go through anything for you.
...Let's start with your bank account.

9. If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
...yeah but If I saw you naked I'd probably die laughing.

8. Is this seat empty?
...Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

7. May I have the last dance?
...You've just had it.

6. What do you do for a living?
...I'm a female impersonator.

5. What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
...What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

4. You look like a dream.
...Go back to sleep.

3. Your body is like a temple.
...Sorry, there are no services today.

2. Your hair color is fabulous.
...Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drugstore.

And The #1 Pickup Line With Comeback...

1. Your place or mine?
...Both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine.

13 NEAT WAYS TO FAIL A DRIVING TEST

1. Before the examiner gets there fill your car with beer bottles.

2. Break off the rear view mirror and ask the examiner to hold it up.

3. Come dressed in a suit and when the examiner comes tell him to put down a plastic sheet so that he/she doesn't dirty
the seat.

4. Get in the car look down and say "which one is the gas again".

5. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it get out and make sure you hit every one.

6. Rev the car up really high and with an evil look turn to the tester and say "buckle up".

7. Swear at everybody on the road.

8. Turn the radio on and when the the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

9. Two Words: Chicken shit!

10. When the examiner tells you to stop hit the gas and say that you thought it was the break.

11. While at a stop light start reeving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the
light.

12. While driving put your arm around the examiner.

13. While your driving never stop talking about how your Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

A GUIDE TO BEING A MAN

A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.

At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).

Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.

Beer. Then more beer.

Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

Default facial expression: Blank stare.

Deny everything.

Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.

Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.

DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:

Q: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
A: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

Don't call. EVER.

Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

Don't ever notice anything.

Don't have a clue.

Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.

Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

Feelings? What feelings?

Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)

If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, she's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.

If anyone asks you for a favor...make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, and then...remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every five minutes for the rest of their life.

If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

If the question begins with "Why", the answer is, "I don't know."

If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "Is something wrong?"

If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.

If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them...you're a man remember?) They really want to know.

If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them or already gave it to them.

If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.

Lie.

"Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.

Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "Spike".

Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help...don't ask. People will think you have no penis.No means yes.

One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

One word: FOOTBALL!

Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.

Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.

Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.

Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to the "don't call, ever" rule.

The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if your mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)

Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

Yes means no.

You are male, therefore you are superior.

You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:28 AM

STUPID PEOPLE STORIES

A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

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A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

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A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.

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A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

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A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

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A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

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A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

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A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

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A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

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A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

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A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

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A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.

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An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

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An Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

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AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

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Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29.

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Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

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Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.

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Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

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Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

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Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

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The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

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The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.

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True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

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When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

20 WAYS TO USE A TURKEY

1. A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.

2. An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.

3. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.

4. As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

5. As a football for the after-meal game.

6. As a gift/bribe for a professor.

7. As a hood ornament.

8. As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who
killed the guest of honor.

9. Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup
and see how many dogs follow you.

10. Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature. Secretly replace with Folgers
turkey crystals.

11. Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.

12. Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.

13. If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. Put it in a pet carrier and asked
the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

14. Makes a great doggie chew toy.

15. One word...bowling! As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range
of the splatter upon impact.

16. Place a speaker inside the bird, from another room amaze your guests with this talking foul!

17. Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

18. Toss it in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

19. Two words: Turkey puppet. Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's
stock.

20. Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:31 AM

I could have been your daddy...but the monkey in front of me didn't use a condom!

Yo mama applied for a job at a strip club but they already had a stage.

Yo mama has got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she's got Don King in a headlock.

Yo mama has 10 fingers, all on the same hand.

Yo mama lost at Hide N' Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.

Yo mama reminds me of a toilet. She's fat, white, and smells like shit.

Yo mama's breath is so bad, when she yawns her teeth duck.

Yo mama's cookin' is so bad, even the roaches say "Naw man, I ate before I came over."

Yo mama's dick is so big, she makes yo daddy jealous.

Yo mama's feet are so big, her shoes have to have license plates!

Yo mama's glasses are so thick, a blind person could see with them.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can burn ants with them.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can see into the future.

Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she reads a map, she sees people waving at her.

Yo mama's got so many freckles, she looks like a hamburger!

Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.

Yo mama's head is so big, she shows up on radar.

Yo mama's head is so small, she uses a tea bag as a pillow.

Yo mama's head is so small, when she got her ear pierced she died.

Yo mama's lips are so big, chap stick had to invent a spray!

Yo mama's nose is so big, you can go bowling with her boogers.

Yo mama's nostrils are so huge, she makes Patrick Ewing jealous.

Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when she cries, tears roll down her back.

Yo mama's so dark, she can leave fingerprints in charcoal.

Yo mama's so dark, she has to wear white gloves when she eats tootsie rolls to keep from eating her fingers.

Yo mama's so dark, she spits chocolate milk!

Yo mama's so dark, when she went to night school, they marked her absent.

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco!

Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band-aid!

Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.

Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her!

Yo mama's so hairy, she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwhacker.

Yo mama's so hairy, she's got afros on her nipples!

Yo mama's so hairy, when she goes to the circus, the bearded lady protests against non-union workers.

Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rugburn at birth!

Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes.

Yo mama's so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where your daddy has 2 jobs.

Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.

Yo mama's so slutty, she can suck-start a Harley!

Yo mama's so tall, she did a back flip and kicked god in the mouth.

Yo mama's so tall, she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in florida.

Yo mama's so tall, when she tripped and fell, her head hit the moon.

Yo mama's such a slut, she gives out frequent rider miles.

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits out butter!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles!

Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot.

Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.

Yo mama's like a brick... dirty, flat on both sides and always getting laid by Mexicans.

Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.

Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.

Yo mama's like a carpenters dream...flat as a board and easy to Nail.

Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her.

Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day.

Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat.

Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.

Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.

Yo mama's like a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one!

Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.

Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

Yo mama's like a hockey team, changes her pads every three periods!

Yo mama's like a library, open to the public.

Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.

Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.

Yo mama's like a racing car... chick burned four rubbers in one night.

Yo mama's like a railway system, she gets laid all over the country!

Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.

Yo mama's like 7-UP, never had it never will.

Yo mama's like a shot gun, two cocks and she blows!

Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.

Yo mama's like a stop sign, she's on every corner.

Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.

Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.

Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.

Yo mama's like a Toyota: "Oh what a feeling!"

Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.

Yo mama's like a video game, four men for a dollar.

Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours.

Yo mama's like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"

Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.

Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.

Yo mama's like Domino's Pizza - Something for nothing.

Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

Yo mama's like lettuce, 25 cents a head.

Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.

Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easily.

Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.

Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.

Yo mama's like spoiled milk, fat and chunky!

Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody pokes her.

Yo mama's so bald, I can read her mind.

Yo mama's so bald, she curls her hair with rice.

Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair it looks like stitches.

Yo mama's so bald, she looks like a blown up condom.

Yo mama's so bald, she took a shower and got brain-washed.

Yo mama's so bald, when she puts on a turtleneck, she looks like a roll of deodorant.

Yo mama's so bald, you can draw a line down the center of her head and it would look like my ass.

Yo mama's so bald, you can tell fortunes on her head.

Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses.

Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings.

Yo mama's so big, they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings!

Yo mama's so big, when she goes into the ocean she changes the tide.

Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes down.

Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly, they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway.

Yo mama's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!

Yo mama's so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama's so fat, everytime someone says "Kool-Aid" she busts through the wall.

Yo mama's so fat, God couldn't light Earth until she moved!

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama's so fat, her butt cheeks look like 2 pigs fighting over a milkdud.

Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says, picture continued on the other side.

Yo mama's so fat, her waist size is larger then her IQ!

Yo mama's so fat, her waist size is the size of the equator!

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!

Yo mama's so fat, I tried to draw her but I ran out of paper.

Yo mama's so fat, I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!

Yo mama's so fat, if she’d died you’d have to take her out in two trips.

Yo mama's so fat, NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth.

Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!

Yo mama's so fat, she can't stand on a basketball court for 3 seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama's so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"

Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama's so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.

Yo mama's so fat, she had stretch marks when she was a virgin.

Yo mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

Yo mama's so fat, she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!

Yo mama's so fat, she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own brand of jeans: FA - Fat Ass Jeans.

Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mamas so fat, she has to use a VCR as a beeper!

Yo mama's so fat, she hitch-hikes on dump trucks.

Yo mama's so fat, she hula-hooped the Super Bowl.

Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, she lays on the beach and people run around yelling "Free Willy."

Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!

Yo mama's so fat, she needs a sock for each toe.

Yo mama's so fat, she played Free Willys stunt double.

Yo mama's so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.

Yo mama's so fat, she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said "STOP THAT TWINKIE."

Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama's so fat, she stands in two time zones.

Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a tampon.

Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.

Yo Mama's so fat, she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.

Yo mama's so fat, she used the I-95 as a Slip 'n Slide.

Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections!

Yo mama's so fat, she was baptized in tauter sauce.

Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.

Yo mama's so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- Class battleship.

Yo mama's so fat, she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!

Yo mama's so fat, she went bungee jumping and went straight to hell!

Yo mama's so fat, she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!

Yo mama's so fat, she went to a salad bar and pulled up a chair.

Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak written on her leg.

Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code!

Yo mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!

Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.

Yo mama's so fat, that her senior pictures had to be Arial views!

Yo mama's so fat, that when God said 'Let there be light' he told her To move her fat ole butt over!'

Yo mama's so fat, that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!

Yo mama's so fat, that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.

Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.

Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn."

Yo mama's so fat, the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!

Yo mama's so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.

Yo mama's so fat, the police dogs at the airport stopped her for hanving 10lbs of crack.

Yo mama's so fat, the police showed her a picutre of her feet and she couldn't identify them.

yo mama's so fat, they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits everybody but yo mama".

Yo mama's so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!

Yo mama's so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.

Yo mama's so fat, they wrote a book about her, it was called Moby Dick.

Yo mama's so fat, to her "light food" means under 4 tons!

Yo mama's so fat, we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay for her because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.

Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.

Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.

Yo Mama's so fat, when she dances at a concert the whole band skips!

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on a scale it says we don't do livestock.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride her!

Yo mama's so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"

Yo mama's so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions!

Yo mama's so fat, when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A, Chicago...

Yo mama's so fat, when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!

Yo mama's so fat, when she runs away, they have to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD played skip, at the radio station!

Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama's so fat, when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please."

Yo mama's so fat, when she tripped over 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.

Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!

Yo mama's so fat, when she walks around Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say "Taxi!"

Yo mama's so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama's so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:36 AM

Yo mama's so poor, after I pissed in your yard, she thanked me for watering the lawn.

Yo mama's so poor, burglars break into her house and leave money.

Yo mama's so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.

Yo mama's so poor, her TV's got 2 channels - ON and OFF!

Yo mama's so poor, I came over for dinner and saw 3 beans on the table, I took one and she said "Don't be greedy."

Yo mama's so poor, I stepped on her skateboard and she said "Hey, get off the car!"

Yo mama's so poor, I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me and tried to take my wallet.

Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and Your mom said, "Who turned off the lights?"

Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right."

Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house, asked what's for dinner, so she lit my pockets on fire and said "Hot Pockets."

Yo mama's so poor, I went into her house and flushed a cockroach down the toilet and she said, "Hey, where'd Grandma go?"

Yo mama's so poor, I went to her house and tore down some cob webs, and she said "Who's tearing down the drapes?"

Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford the o or the r.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford to live in a two story cheerio box.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford to pay attention.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford free samples from the supermarket.

Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

Yo mama's so poor, she drives a peanut.

Yo mama's so poor, she got arrested for breaking the gum-ball machine because it didn't take food-stamps.

Yo mama's so poor, she married young just to get the rice!

Yo mama's so poor, she put free samples on layaway.

Yo mama's so poor, she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What YA doing?" she said, "buying luggage."

Yo mama's so poor, she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

Yo mama's so poor, the bank repossessed her cardboard box.

Yo mama's so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted!

Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

Yo mama's so poor, when I asked what was for dinner, she pulled her shoelaces off and said "Spagetti."

Yo mama's so poor, when I rang the doorbell I heard the toilet flush!

Yo mama's so poor, when I ring the doorbell she says "Ding!"

Yo mamma's so poor, when I was saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "moving."

Yo mama's so poor, when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Remodeling."

Yo mama's so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama's so poor, when she heard about the last supper, she thought they had ran out of food stamps.

Yo mama's so poor, I asked her where the facilities were, and she said, "Pick a corner, any corner."

Yo mama's so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.

Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Yo mama's so nasty, her shit is glad when it escapes.

Yo mama's so nasty, her tits give sour milk.

Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex, and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.

Yo mama's so nasty, she breeds crabs.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."

Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.

Yo mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.

Yo mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.

Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her panties to keep the crabs fresh.

Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo mama's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.

Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to your house and said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!"

Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to your house and said what's for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"

Yo mama's so nasty, when she went to the hairdresser she asked for a shave and she opened her shirt

Yo mama's so old, even god calls her mother!

Yo mama's so old, her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mama's so old, her birth certificate says expired on it.

Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1!

Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died.

Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus'.

Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the ten commandments.

Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school.

Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust.

Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus' Starter jacket.

Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible.

Yo mama's so old, she has Jesus' beeper number!

Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus' 5 dollars.

Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park.

Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.

Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur.

Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.

Yo mama's so old, she watered the Garden of Eden.

Yo mama's so old, she's blind from the big bang.

Yo mama's so old, that when god said let there be light, she hit the switch!

Yo mama's so old, that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake.

Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.

Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was sitting on the other side fishing.
Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces.

Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Yo mama's so ugly, a fly wouldn't sit on her.

Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her.

Yo mama's so ugly, even Rice Krispies wont talk to her.

Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends!

Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.

Yo mama's so ugly, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel.

Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down.

Yo mama's so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.

Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away.

Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her.

Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper!

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock!

Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.

Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herself in the mirror.

Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on bathwater.

Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone!

Yo mama's so ugly, she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.

Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes an onion cry.

Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry.

Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it never came back.

Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo mama's so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and they all ran for the border!

Yo mama's so ugly, she went to a haunted house on Halloween and they gave her an application.

Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness.

Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keep breaking.

Yo mama's so ugly, Ted Dansen wouldn't even date her!

Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she'd get the electric chair.

Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team.

Yo mama's so ugly, that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face!

Yo mama's so ugly, that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him, for he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it.

Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!

Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.

Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with a paycheck.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said "Twins!"

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her mama!

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end.

Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "rape" and they yelled "NO!"

Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.

Yo mama's so ugly, When your mama was born they had to take her out of the trashcan cause doctor said "Throw this shit away!"

Yo mama's so ugly, your daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.

Yo mama's so ugly, your father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd rather kiss her ass.

Yo mama's so stupid, at the bottom of the application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.

Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer.

Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front.

Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.

Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan Marino.

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her a week to get rid of a 24hr. virus.

Yo mama's so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.

Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "Guess" so she said "Levi's"

Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo mama's so stupid, she called the cocaine hotline to order some.

Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"

Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got in the bathtub and looked for the steering wheel.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death!

Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible with the top down.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo mama's so stupid, she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.

Yo mama's so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside so she got a bowl.

Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama's so stupid, she makes Beavis ad Butt-Head look like Noble Prize winners.

Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.

Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."

Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 04:37 AM

Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.

Yo mama's so stupid, she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken.

Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y, she said "Cause I wanna know".

Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager.

Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a sign that said wet floor so she did.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.

Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus.

Yo mama's so stupid, she stole free bread.

Yo mama's so stupid, she studies for a drug test!

Yo mama's so stupid, she talks back to her Rice Krispies.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought 2pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought gangrene was another golf course.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Wu Tang" was an African orange drink!

Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a cup to see juice.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took an umbrella to see purple rain.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried committing suicide off a curb.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried hanging herself with a cordless phone.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool.

Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to teach a blind person sign language.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater.

Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yelling "Free Lays".

Yo mama's so stupid, she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a baseball game and drowned in the waves.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a clippers game to get a hair cut.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Disneyland and saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so she went home.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had.

Yo mama's so stupid, that she puts lipstick on, just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid, that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo mama's so stupid, that she tried to put M&m's in alphabetical order!

You mama's so stupid, that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.

Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones.

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"

Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry or grape?"

Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin and threw it back.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone."

Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.

Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."

Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen.

Yo mama's so short, she does backflips underneath her bed.

Yo mama's so short, she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Yo mama's so short, she models for trophies.

Yo mama's so short, she plays handball off the curb.

Yo mama's so short, that she has to hold up a sign that says "don't spit! I can't swim"!

Yo mama's so short, you can see her feet on her drivers license!

shew ... ok i'm done

Mac Daddy · Jun 30, 2003, 06:53 AM

Hey Neon ........ some funny stuff BUD !!

And lots of it you maniac

I've got another bumper sticker for ya ..... If your a street rodder ....
A friend of my fathers made a bunch of them up because at meets Teakers(Antique Car restorers) are always so ANAL about modifying older cars ......

This one always made me laugh:

It takes a patient man to restore a Classic Car ........ It takes a REAL MAN to chop one up !!

The_Neon_Cowboy · Jun 30, 2003, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Hey Neon ........ some funny stuff BUD !!
And lots of it you maniac

I've got another bumper sticker for ya ..... If your a street rodder ....
A friend of my fathers made a bunch of them up because at meets Teakers(Antique Car restorers) are always so ANAL about modifying older cars ......

This one always made me laugh:

It takes a patient man to restore a Classic Car ........ It takes a REAL MAN to chop one up !!

i have more just waiting for more posts .....

downt wanna take over the thread ... with mass posting so i'll wait... woulnt wanna kill this nice thread

Mac Daddy · Jun 30, 2003, 07:59 AM

Thanks for your consideration BUD

I'll patiently await your posting of more jokes .....

Glad you like the thread ........ I'm certainly enjoying it .....
What better way to start your Monday ..... than reading a few jokes before work

Jun 27, 2003, 04:40 AM	#154
Roadee Never forgotten Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Rest In peace, Joe. Posts: 2,202 Rep Power: 54	Cool move Mac.........and you might just catch me in the mood sometime to duke it out with you in the FW.....but not over this..... __________________ We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Jun 27, 2003, 05:35 AM	#155
patje Former Mobility Modman Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Belgium / Antwerp Posts: 1,476 Rep Power: 51	Ya'll know the tennis sisters Serena and Venus Williams right? well i heard them talk in the dressingroom when i was @ wimbeldon, here goes: Venus: Say, Serena, I 'm suspecting dad is putting some kind of steroids in our drink. Serena: What gave you that idea? Venus: well, i'm starting to get hair on places where i never had hair before. Serena: Serious? where? Venus: On my testicles! __________________

Jun 27, 2003, 07:28 AM	#156
Mac Daddy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,950 Rep Power: 64 System Specs	HAA HAA !!!!!!!!! LMAO .......... patje ........ LMAO Thats nasty !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! __________________ "My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance." - Tim Allen

Jun 27, 2003, 02:17 PM	#159
Roadee Never forgotten Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Rest In peace, Joe. Posts: 2,202 Rep Power: 54	Mr. Norton was being bothered by his son to go into a rest home for a very long time. Finally tired of hearing about it he decides to make a deal with his son to go there and stay a week and see how it goes, but if he doesn't like it, he get's to come home and nothing more is ever said about it. His son agree's. So the next day they go to the rest home and get settled in and his son goes home. The next day he wakes up when a nurse walks into his room. He see's her staring at him with a smile and get's imbarrassed to see that he has a little pup tent. The nurse tell's him that this is a special place and that she would be more than happy to take care of it for him. Suprised, Mr Norton whisk off his cover and the nurse just goes to town on him. When the nurse leaves, Mr. Norton is so happy that he calls his son to tell him all about it. Hearing this his son is very happy for him and tell's him that he knew that he would like staying there. Later on, after breakfast, Mr. Norton decides to go out in the garden and feed the pigeon's. On his way there he noticed a guy that was acting a little "fruity". Unable to bear listening to the fruity guy Mr. Norton decides to go back inside and play some checker's. On the way back he step's in a hole and fall's down. The fruity guy seeing this runs over real quick and just grab's his ass and pounds the hell out of him. In pain, and wanting nothing more than to get out of there, Mr. Norton call's his son. His son hear's what his father has to say, and tries everything to get him to stay there, so he doesn't have to take care of him. "Dad, I just don't see what the problem is......this morning you called me and told me about the Nurse and how great everything was.......now just because of this one little incident you want to come home??" "Well son, you have to look at things my way.........I might get a hard on about once every three or four month's..................but I fall down three or four times a day!!!" __________________ We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Jun 27, 2003, 11:14 PM	#160
Mac Daddy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,950 Rep Power: 64 System Specs	AN OLD ONE !!!!!!!!!! First Night: A Woman walked into the beer store one day. The man at the counter asked what she wanted. She replied a case of Budweiser ...... She walked out into the alley ... drank the entire case of beer and passed out. Some college students passing by noticed the woman ... And had there way with her...... Second night: Same woman walks into the beer store. The man at the counter asked what she wanted. She replied a case of Budweiser ...... She walked out into the alley again ... drank the entire case ....... and passed out . The same college students happened to be passing by ... And had there way with her again ........ Third Night: The Woman walks into the beer store ........ The man at the counter ... recognizing the woman .. Says ... A case of Budweiser ... right ???? The woman replies NO ......... Molson Canadian ....... Budweiser makes my pussy SORE __________________ "My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance." - Tim Allen

Jun 26, 2003, 12:39 PM	#152
kinetic DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Manchester England Posts: 2,559 Rep Power: 0	Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on." So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'" So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on." She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine." He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants." So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Jun 27, 2003, 01:22 PM	#157
kinetic DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Manchester England Posts: 2,559 Rep Power: 0	One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Jun 28, 2003, 08:09 PM	#161
Roadee Never forgotten Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Rest In peace, Joe. Posts: 2,202 Rep Power: 54	pretty good one Mac..... __________________ We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Jun 28, 2003, 08:44 PM	#162
digerati Everyones life has worth Join Date: May 2003 Location: My Yellow Bug Posts: 3,780 Rep Power: 47	These jokes always bring mixed responses. But here we go. What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until your a teenager before it comes all over your face. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A family took a trip to France. They toured most of the country and finally decided on spending a day on a nude beach. The family consists of a mother, father, and son. The son was only 5 so the parents didn't see any harm taking him to a nude beach because he didn't have sexual urges yet. So they pull into the parking lot, get out, strip down, and open up the trunk. The father runs off to view the scenery and the mother starts unpacking the car and setting up a place on the sand. She turns to her son who is following her everywhere and tells him to go exploring so off he goes. He returns 10 minutes later. Kid: "Mommy! Mommy! I saw some men with some really big peniseses!" Mother: "Now listen son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are. Now go look at something else." So the kid went off again and returns again in 10 minutes. Kid: "Mommy! Mommy! I saw some women with really big boobies!" Mother: "Now listen son, the bigger they are, the dumber they are. Lunch is ready, go get your father." The kid runs off and returns 5 minutes later. Kid: "Mommy! Mommy! Daddy was talking to this really dumb girl and daddy was getting dumber by the minute!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night little Johnny was laying down in his bed and he heard some noises coming from his parents room. So he ran out and opened there door and saw his mom going up and down on his dad. Johnny: "Mommy! What're you doing to daddy!?" Mother: "Uh...emm...I'm just flattening him down son." Johnny: "Well that's no good, cause the lady nextdoor comes over everyday your at work and blows him right back up again."

Jun 28, 2003, 09:40 PM	#163
Kgentatszu] DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 1,802 Rep Power: 0	hey mate, is there really a nude beach??

Jun 29, 2003, 07:37 PM	#164
jkayca2 DriverHeaven Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 379 Rep Power: 0	Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays * Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. * He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. * She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was room-temperature prime English beef. * She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. * Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. * He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. * The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. * The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't * McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. * From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30. * Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. * The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil. * John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. * Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. * The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. * The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. * "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night. * He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. * The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. * He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. * She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. * She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. * It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Jun 29, 2003, 07:53 PM	#165
~~craig588~~ Banned Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: In clothing Posts: 3,510 Rep Power: 0	" The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't" Thanks like the quote from HHGTTG "They floated exactly the way that bricks don't"

Jun 30, 2003, 03:51 AM	#166
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Canonical List of Ways To Kill Barney The Dinosaur Make him watch his own show. Make him gargle broken glass. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades. (kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!) Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu - enough said Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston Expressway. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods during November. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica". Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican bobsled in the 1998 Winter Olympics. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss Colony store display model. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's Day. Shoot him. "Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...." Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed, Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off. Donate his body to science...early. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's knee-caps as conversation pieces. Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it take to get to the middle of a Barney?" Peel off layers of skin one at a time. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch his body explode. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit! Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery). Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things for a year or so... Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and breaded is my personal favourite) then grind up his bones for fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney. Then repeat the process as many times as you like... Sew his lips to his rectum. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw. Toss him into a blast furnace. Make him a referee in an NHL game. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your vegetables. Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal until he screams. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers... Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the floor. Don't give him a needle and thread. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the vultures have him. I am not sure that is a good idea because we don't need to be that cruel to the vultures. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by! There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be considered water pollution. Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest depths of hell" 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch long. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See how effective that torture method really is. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...) Let him take the place of a car crash dummy. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites, without environmental gear. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next launch. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes before the next test. Send him to Somalia as famine relief. Target practice. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite factory. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane. Then throw the chute after him. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping out. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier. Cruise missile target. Plutonium enema. "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate." Send him to Miami in a rented car. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits. Make him become a politician in Mexico. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show" Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of balance. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with him. Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug' now!?!" Shave his fur. ALL of it. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the Barney juices. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends" tapes with "Beavis 'n' Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to death. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear generating station. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the sex-starved convicts after him. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity is 9.8 m/s^2 on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the Sears tower too! Let him take a New York Subway at night. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (That is the water barriers, not the other kind). Use him as a bungee cord. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra) Let him help put out forest fires. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the beast. Throw him into a combine. Bazooka blast to the cranium. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said. Tie him up like a pinata and have small Mexican children beat it to death. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride. Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction. Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is that they're mostly purple too). Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing fire. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station AFTER the next evacuation. Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical - Nuclear Warfare unit. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and powdered aluminum. (use lots of both... < 100 pounds... mix well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83. See if liquid helium has similar effects. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You'll need another sparkler. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill him! Microwave ovens work wonders. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to Achy Breaky Heart, until even HE goes insane with all the sap! Have him climb trees near overhead power lines. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on the Earth. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their raise. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and napalm. #2 is full of pepper. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59. Put him in Crypt gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible) Drain-O milkshakes. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler". Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM. (Or not... See #12) "Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid." Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon. Send him to France an have him declare he's American. Let him drink the water in Guadalahara. Get him married to OJ Simpson. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault. Tell the NRA he supports gun control. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal. (reversible) A Black Hole. "Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than you......." Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total) Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix Cube. "Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?" Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier. Tell him piranhas like to be petted. Fill the sandbox with quicksand. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head. (too bad you won't find anything!) Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the meat and serve it, though!) Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly, and painfully!). Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch the fun. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach down the purple one's throat( a funnel may come in handy) then stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt his organs from the inside out. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day; you've made a new treat! "JURASSIC FRITTERS"! Sign him up as the new drummer for "Spinal Tap". Give him a stack of "Save the Whales" GreenPeace fliers and send him to Rush Limbaugh's house. Peg 60-pound dumbbells at him until he dies. Lock him in a tiny elementary school locker, plug up the bottom slats, then slowly drop bugs in through the top slats (preferably creatures like spiders and centipedes). If you get tired of this get a gun and shoot Barney through the locker door. (See note on #132) Make him drink fabric softener until he softens to death. Put him in an old car that's being put in the crusher. Introduce him to a pit bull. Stuff him down the garbage disposal. Mummify him. Give him drowning lessons. Nitroglycerin suppository Paper cuts from hate mail Wine press Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride) Clubbed by a baby seal hunter Exploding gas barbecue Rusty meat hook Pulp digester / Saw mill Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open). Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!". Exploding school bus Field trip to your local zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet Asphyxiation on a twinkie Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck (with static line?) 1000 RPM merry-go-round Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road Tail caught in elevator doors Legalization of purple slavery Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, or hydrochloric) Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal. Thrown in a vat of bleach. (White Barney could become a symbol for white supremacy) Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun. 'after burners?') Submerged into a CANDU reactor Swarmed by killer bees Purple parasites Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel (or is he the ring leader in disguise already?) Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow) Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler. Assimilation by the Borg. (but they probably wouldn't want him) Accupunture with a nail gun Hit and run at a school crossing Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens (Again, why would they want him?) Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife. Harpooned by a whaling ship OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full. Run over by a Zamboni "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train. Crushed between plates in a fault line. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney? Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study. NATO air strike. Egyptian mummification ritual. Visit to the taxidermist. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills. Give him a lead role in a snuff film. Tar and feathered by crazed parents. Bludgeoned to purple paste. Compressed to a singularity. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label) Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop. Heat pasteurization. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams). Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases. Make him deliver the new Canadian or US budget to the angry college students (including me). Peel his skin off, dissolve it in battery acid, and force him to drink the solution, then chainsaw him to death. Cover him with flesh eating ants, set him on fire, cover him with flesh eating ants again, set him on fire again, then shoot him. Shrink him with a shrinking potion, then step on him. Pull out every single one of his evil hairs, then rip out his spinal cord and strangle him with it. Force him to drink a few gallons of nitroglycerine and then force him to dance at gunpoint (no--rusty spoon-point would be better)!! Fill his intestines with Helium, then let him float up like a balloon and let the air force use him for target practice. Force the stupid kids on his show to eat him alive!! __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:00 AM	#167
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	TOP 19 WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL 1. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. 2. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. 3. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. 4. Ask the widow to give you an enema. 5. Leave some phony dog mess on top of the deceased. 6. Drive behind the widow's limousine and keep honking your horn. 7. Place a hard boiled egg into the mouth of the deceased. 8. Punch the body and tell people he hit you first. 9. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. 10. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. 11. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. 12. Tell the undertaker that your dog has just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin. 13. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she have sex with you. 14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. 15. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. 16. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. 17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. 18. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. 19. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. 48 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR 1. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 2. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 3. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 4. Blow spit bubbles. 5. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers. 6. Bring a chair along. 7. Burp, and then say "Mmmmm...tasty!" 8. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 9. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 11. Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!" 12. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn-it, all of you just shut UP!" 15. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 16. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! 17. Lean against the button panel. 18. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 19. Leave a box between the doors. 20. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 22. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 23. Meow occasionally. 24. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 25. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 26. One word: Flatulence! 27. Play the harmonica. 28. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 29. Say "Ding" at each floor. 30. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 31. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 32. Shave. 33. Shadow box. 34. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 35. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 36. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 37. Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 38. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 39. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 40. Start a sing-along. 41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 42. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 43. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 44. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 45. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 46. When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 47. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?" 48. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WALLMART . As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 2. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 3. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 4. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." 8. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 9. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin - to the batcave!" 10. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 11. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 13. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 14. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 15. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, ex., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 16. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 18. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 19. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 20. Play with the automatic doors. 21. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 22. Put M&M's on layaway. 23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 24. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. 25. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 26. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 27. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 28. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 29. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 30. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 31. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 32. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from bed and bath. 33. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 34. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. 35. Take bets on the battle described above. 36. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 37. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-men. 38. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 39. TP as much of the store as possible. 40. Two words: "Marco Polo." 41. Turn all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". 42. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 43. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in a long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 44. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, Scream "No, no! It's those voices again!" 45. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quick make off with it without saying a word. 47. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. 48. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" 49. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the ant-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 50. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap, anyway?" 50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE . Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA. 2. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 3. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 4. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 5. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 6. Auction your date off for silverware. 7. Beg your date to tattoo your name on her ass. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal. 8. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. 9. Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 10. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation." 11. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 12. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 13. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 14. Drool. 15. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 16. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What the hell took you so long in the bathroom." 17. Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... (ex. Anything that isn't bolted down.) 18. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good taste or good judgment in editing to twist their words around. 19. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 20. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 21. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female. 22. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 23. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy, did you get ripped off!" 24. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bit of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food. 25. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's. 26. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 27. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your place. Watch the waiters face. 28. Order a bucket of lard. 29. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. 30. Order for your date. Order something nasty. 31. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 32. Pull out a harmonica and play blue songs when your date begins talking about themself. 33. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 34. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 35. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 36. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening. 37. Repeat every third third word you say. 38. Sacrifice French Fries to the great deity, Pomme. 39. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. 40. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 41. Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal. 42. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 43. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 44. Take a break, and go to the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out. 45. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 46. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 47. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. 48. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 49. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 50. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:04 AM	#168
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	78 FUNNY BUMPER STICKERS 1. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. 2. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 3. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 4. Born free... taxed to death. 5. Caution I Brake For Hookers. 6. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 7. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 8. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. 9. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. 10. Don't blame me! I didn't vote! 11. Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink. 12. Don't Follow me I'm lost. 13. Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can. 14. Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here. 15. Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU. 16. Enjoy Life - Eat Out More Often. 17. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 18. Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal. 19. Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you. 20. Hang Up And Drive! 21. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 22. Honk if you have had sex with Clinton. 23. HORN DOES NOT WORK - WATCH FOR FINGER! 24. House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which? 25. I am not littering.... I'm donating to the earth. 26. I am objective, I object to everything. 27. I drive like this to piss you off! 28. I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade. 29. I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS? 30. I love cats.....they taste just like chicken. 31. I may be slow but I'm in front of you. 32. I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON. 33. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 34. I tried being normal once. . .I didn't like it. 35. If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them? 36. If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range. 37. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. 38. If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes. 39. If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! 40. If you don't trust me with my decision, how can you trust me with a baby? Pro-Choice For Abortion. 41. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. 42. If you're cute, single, and rich, HONK! 43. If you're not angry, you're not paying attention! 44. It could be worse. What if sex was fattening? 45. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 46. "It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter" 47. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks your an asshole! 48. Just because your not paranoid doesn't mean their not out to get you. 49. "KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING. 50. Kids in the backseat cause accidents... accidents in the backseat cause kids. 51. Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control! 52. Life is like a straw, it sucks. 53. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 54. Madness takes its toll - please have exact change ready. 55. Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em! 56. My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student! 57. Nice People Swallow! 58. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 59. Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car. 60. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. 61. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 62. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 63. Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS. 64. Take me drunk, I'm home. 65. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 66. The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam. 67. The more I learn, the less I understand. 68. This car is not abandoned! 69. This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random. 70. Very Funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes. 71. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 72. WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition. 73. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. 74. We are the people our parents warned us about. 75. When there's a will, I want to be in it! 76. Yesterday I knew nothing, today I know that. 77. Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT! 78. Zero to dick in 60 seconds. 100 FUNNY WAYS TO ORDER A PIZZA 1. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters Camp, right?" 2. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. "Simulate a cutoff. 3. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 4. Answer their questions with questions. 5. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 6. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 7. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 8. Ask if the pizza has its shots. 9. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 10. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 11. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 12. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 13. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 14. Ask to see a menu. 15. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 16. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 17. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Charonnay. 18. Be vague in your order. 19. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 20. Call and ask for a deal that is somewhere else. (ex. If calling Domino's ask for a Chesser! Chesser!) 21. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 22. Call up and order a pizza to have delivered. After you already hung up the phone call back and order an other pizza pretending you never called the first time. Keep this Process up. 23. Change your accent every 3 seconds. 24. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 25. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 26. Do not name the topping you want. Rather, spell them out. 27. Doze off in the middle of the order, wake up, and say "where was I? Who are You?" 28. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 29. Engage in some serious swapping.7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 30. Get the taker's name. Later call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake up call, so-and-so." Hang up. 31. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 32. haggle. 33. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW! When a bullet is fired. 34. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 35. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 36. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right say "OK, that'll be 10.99; please pull up to the first window. 37. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the who is taking the order to stop that. 38. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds through out the order. 39. Imitate the order taker's voice. 40. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 41. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 42. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 43. Make a list of exotic Cruisines. Order them as toppings. 44. Make the first topping on your order mushrooms. Make sure the last thing you say is "No Mushrooms please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 45. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 46. Move the mouthpiece farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 47. Mumble, "There's a bomb under you seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smoothed with meat'." 48. Never say the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "please don't mention that word." 49. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, (number 100). Say in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." 50. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a cractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 51. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 52. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 53. Order a one-inch pizza. 54. Order a steamed pizza. 55. Order term life insurance. 56. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 57. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 58. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 59. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit-can't- hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 60. Play a sitar in the background. 61. Psychoanalyze the order taker. 62. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 63. Put the accent of the last syllable of "pepperoni." use the long "I" sound. 64. Put them on hold 65. Quote Carl Sandberg. 66. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 67. Rent a pizza. 68. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 69. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask " do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 70. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 71. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it, if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 72. Say "kssssssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 73. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 74. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 75. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 76. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying. "This may be my last entry." 77. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and ... action!" 78. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 79. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 80. Stutter on the letter "P." 81. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 82. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 83. Tell the order taker your depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 84. Tell the person taking the order that a rival pizza place is on the other line and your going with the lowest bidder. 85. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 86. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 87. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 88. Try to talk while drinking something. 89. Use CB lingo where applicable. 90. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph Mary in Tinsel Town." 91. Use these words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN! 92. When he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I will not be swayed by your sweet words." 93. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 94. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. when it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 95. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time. 96. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 97. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 98. When you've given the price, say "Oooooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math. 99. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 100. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX 1. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 2. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 3. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 4. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend! 5. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 6. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 7. But everybody looks funny naked! 8. But I just brushed my teeth... 9. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Can you please pass me the remote control? 12. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 13. Did I mention the video camera? 14. Did I remember to take my pill? 15. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 16. Did you cum yet, dear? 17. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 18. Do you accept Visa? 19. Do you get any premium movie channels? 20. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 21. Do you smell something burning? 22. Does this count as a date? 23. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 24. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed. 25. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 26. Got any penicillin? 27. Have you ever considered liposuction? 28. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 29. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 30. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 31. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 32. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober. 33. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 34. I have a confession. 35. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 36. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 37. I think biting is romantic - don't you? 38. I think you have it on backwards. 39. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 40. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:06 AM	#169
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	41. I want a baby! 42. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 43. I wish we got the Playboy channel. 44. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Inquirer". 45. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about. 46. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 47. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 48. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead. 49. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 50. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 51. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 52. Is that a hanging sculpture? 53. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 54. Is this a sin too? 55. Is that blood on the headboard? 56. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 57. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 58. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper. 59. Long kisses clog my sinuses. 60. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. Woman: Yourself? 61. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth. 62. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 63. No, really... I do this part better myself! 64. Now I know why he/she dumped you. 65. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 66. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 67. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 68. Person 1: This is your first time.. right? Person 2: Yeah.. today! 69. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 70. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise. 71. (Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 72. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 73. Q: You can cook, too right? A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'? 74. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 75. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 76. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 77. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 78. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 79. Sorry but I don't do toes! 80. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 81. That leak better be from the waterbed! 82. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 83. This would be more fun with a few more people. 84. Try breathing through your nose. 85. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 86. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 87. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 88. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 89. What tampon? 90. When is this supposed to feel good? 91. When would you like to meet my parents? 92. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 93. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 94. You look younger than you feel. 95. You mean you're NOT my blind date? 96. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 97. You woke me up for that? 98. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 99. You're almost as good as my ex! 100. You're good enough to do this for a living! 101. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 223 WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE 1. Always flush the toilet 3 times. 2. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 3. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. 4. Ask your roommate if Al, your invisible friend, can stay the night. 5. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music. Explain that Al has a headache. 6. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 7. Become a subgenus. 8. Become Forest Gump! 9. Bowl inside your room. Set up tournaments with other people in your dorm or building. Award someone a trophy. \| If your roommate wants to bowl, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes. 10. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. 11. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." 12. Buy a McDonalds "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. 13. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 14. Burn incense. 15. Buy a bunch of Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the very next day that, that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die. 16. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's a assignment for your primitive culture class. 17. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. 18. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops up. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. 19. Buy a lobster and pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules. 20. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside in. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, complain that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate. 21. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. 22. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see. 23. Buy a watermelon and draw a face on it. Give the watermelon a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral. 24. Buy some knives and sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..." 25. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. 26. Buy the movie "Titanic", watch it every time your roommate walks in. When the ship hits the iceberg, start crying and go to your roommate for support. 27. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 28. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music. 29. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray." 30. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has beenstaring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Tell your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out. 31. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 32. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possesions immediately. 33. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe. 34. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggy. Leave the baggy near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close an eye him/her suspiciously. 35. Collect all your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor. 36. Collect Chia-Pets. 37. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 38. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done." 39. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one of the potatoes after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few day's, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 40. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet. 41. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. 42. Create an army of animal crackers. Put the crackers through basic training. Create little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Tell your roommate to apologize to the camel. 43. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like your holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate. 44. Cry a lot. 45. Do a needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. 46. Don't ever flush. 47. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry it's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. 48. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it better every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." 49. Dress in drag. 50. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room. 51. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. 52. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade. 53. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick. 54. Dye all your underwear lime green. 55. Eat glass. 56. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. 57. Eat moths. 58. Eat raw pasta for dinner. 59. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home and come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. 60. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a ..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 61. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!" 62. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, no! Where am I?" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about. 63. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're Back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. After, look at your watch and say "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 64. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt it's feelings. Watch T.V. with the pig. Eats lots of bacon. 65. Fake a heart attack. Watch your roommate gets the paramedics. When the paramedics come pretend nothing has happened. 66. Fake a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously recover. Insist your roommate to write out a will leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" 67. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. 68. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS. 69. Follow him/her around on weekends. 70. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage. 71. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 72. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 73. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you have a problem, ask each of your walls. Then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling. 74. Give him/her an allowance. 75. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:07 AM	#170
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	76. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids. 77. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When your roommate looks above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horeshoe..." 78. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like monkey and claim that the tire sing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey. 79. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me." 80. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. 81. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Ho's in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash, before you get hungry, demand that she/he reimburses you. 82. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 83. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. 84. Hit your roommate in the head with a book. Claim that you were trying to kill a fly. 85. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. 86. If you get home before your roommate does, go to sleep in his/her bed. 87. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat naked Tibetan man rum through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing. 88. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..." 89. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks. 90. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dextrin and MSG. 91. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed. 92. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. 93. Invite the Dean to a sleepover. 94. Invite the school President to a sleepover. 95. Invite your roommate to a sleepover. 96. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks about it, say, "Oh, he's around here, somewhere." 97. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" 98. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms and they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. 99. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performing art class. (Or hit him/her with the wrench.) 100. Kill several people. Then store the corpses underneath your roommates bed. Call the police and blame it on your roommate. 101. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. 102. Learn to levitate. When your roommate isn't looking. float up out of your seat. When she/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 103. Leave apple cores on his/her bed. 104. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 105. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. 106. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie. 107. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood. 108. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. 109. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out. 110. Let mice loose in his/her room. 111. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate says anything, pretend not to hear anything. 112. Lick him/her while they are asleep. 113. Listen to radio static. 114. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. 115. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens. 116. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery" until she/he comes out. 117. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 118. Make cue cards for your roommate. Give them out when ever you want to have a conversation. 119. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes. 120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 121. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby. 122. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night. 123. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he/she owns to the ceiling. 124. Open the window before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 125. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you try to attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid road runner..." 126. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 127. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls. 128. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. 129. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 130. Punch a hold in the T.V. Set and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. 131. Put a plate of cookies out at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the sandman. Take a bite out of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room. 132. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity. 133. Put horseradish in your shoes. 134. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return. 135. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. 136. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep under there and pile your dirty clothes of the empty bedframed. If your roommate says anything mutter "I have to save space" twenty times while twitching violently. 137. Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Then constantly make mistake's on simple math equations. (ex. "2+2=3? No, 5! No...") 138. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494!) 139. Recite entire movie scripts. (ex. "The Road Warrior, "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") 140. Refer to your roommate using terms of endearment sweetcheeks, honeybuns, etc... slap his her face if they do the same. 141. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language. 142. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents. (Postage due) 143. Repeat the last word of everything your roommate says. (ex. Your Roommate: "How are you doing today?" You say "Today... Today...") 144. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." 145. Send flowers to your roommate. Attach a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. 146. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email. 147. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 148. Set up meeting with your roommates faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 149. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, he/she deserved it. 150. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. 151. Shave one eyebrow. 152. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can't find the book you want. 153. Shoot rubber bands at him/her while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 154. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donar, organ donar. 155. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." 156. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." 157. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall. 158. Skip on the way to the bathroom. 159. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it's rotten. 160. Smile. All the time. 161. Smoke ball-point pens. 162. Speak in tongues. 163. Spend all your money on transformers. Play with them every night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 164. Spend lots of money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of the room and number them. Refuse to recycle them. 165. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. 166. Start a brothel. 167. Start a food drive on campus to feed your roommate. Comment on how fat he/she getting. 168. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on roommate. 170. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?" 171. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 172. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it. 173. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate. 174. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world. 175. Study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests. 176. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 177. Switch the sheets on your beds while he/she is at class. 178. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Stand guard at the fort for an entire weekend. 179. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:08 AM	#171
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	180.Talk about the government's attempt to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate explains that it's only water. Say "Ha! That's what they want you think!" 181. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." 182. Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. 183. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you. 184. Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed. 185. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh yeah, I remember now!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 186. Tell your roommate that someone called for them and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was. 187. Tell your roommate you are now a vegetarian and complain anytime he/she eats meat. 188. Tell your roommate your toe hurts, and whenever your toe hurts that means there's goin' to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. Explain the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room. 189. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited and tell your roommate that you hit the bullseye. 190. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for him/her to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they were here again." 191. Twitch a lot. 192. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts Throw some of your roommates possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it. 193. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that." 194. Walk and talk backwards. 195. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. 196. Walk into walls. 197. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower. 198. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, stand in front of the window again. 199. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit and put. 200. Wear a silly hat. 201. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt. 202. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, "I'm watching you." 203. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. 204. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave. 205. When your roommate comes out of the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself. 206. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." 207. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope. 208. Whenever he/she goes to take a shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go take a shower to. 209. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask him/her questions that start with "Did'ja ever wonder why..." be creative. 210. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for you roommate, breathe into the phone for five seconds then hang up. 211. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone. 212. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door. 213. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Fall onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month. 214. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" 215. Whenever your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." 216. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her. 217. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day. 218. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait a minute and stand up. Tell him/her that you're going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 219. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it is back. 220. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even. 221. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 222. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls. 223. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:21 AM	#173
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	20 TYPES OF MEN YOU MAY MEET IN A MEN'S ROOM 1. Absent-minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 2. Childish - Pisses directly into bottom of urinal. Likes to see the bubbles. 3. Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. 4. Conceited - Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat. 5. Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 6. Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. 7. Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 8. Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. 9. Efficient - Waits until he has to crap, then does both. 10. Excitable -Shorts half twisted around. Cannot find hole. Rips shorts. 11. Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. 12. Frivolous - Plays stream up, down, and across urinal, tries to hit fly or butt. 13. Indifferent - All urinals being used. Pisses in sink. 14. Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 15. Patient - Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. 16. Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stale will get blamed. 17. Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. 18. Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 19. Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. 20. Worried - Not sure where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection. THE TOP 16 PICK UP LINES AND COME BACKS 16. Can I call you. What's your number? ...It's in the phone book. 15. Can I know your name. ...That's in the phone book too. 14. Haven't I seen you someplace before? ...Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. 13. I can tell that you want me. ...Yes, I want you to leave. 12. I know how to please a woman. ...Then please leave me alone. 11. I want to give myself to you. ...Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. 10. I'd go through anything for you. ...Let's start with your bank account. 9. If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. ...yeah but If I saw you naked I'd probably die laughing. 8. Is this seat empty? ...Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. 7. May I have the last dance? ...You've just had it. 6. What do you do for a living? ...I'm a female impersonator. 5. What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? ...What's it like being the biggest liar in the world? 4. You look like a dream. ...Go back to sleep. 3. Your body is like a temple. ...Sorry, there are no services today. 2. Your hair color is fabulous. ...Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drugstore. And The #1 Pickup Line With Comeback... 1. Your place or mine? ...Both. You go to your place and I'll go to mine. 13 NEAT WAYS TO FAIL A DRIVING TEST 1. Before the examiner gets there fill your car with beer bottles. 2. Break off the rear view mirror and ask the examiner to hold it up. 3. Come dressed in a suit and when the examiner comes tell him to put down a plastic sheet so that he/she doesn't dirty the seat. 4. Get in the car look down and say "which one is the gas again". 5. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it get out and make sure you hit every one. 6. Rev the car up really high and with an evil look turn to the tester and say "buckle up". 7. Swear at everybody on the road. 8. Turn the radio on and when the the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 9. Two Words: Chicken shit! 10. When the examiner tells you to stop hit the gas and say that you thought it was the break. 11. While at a stop light start reeving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light. 12. While driving put your arm around the examiner. 13. While your driving never stop talking about how your Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. A GUIDE TO BEING A MAN A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%). Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do. Beer. Then more beer. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? Default facial expression: Blank stare. Deny everything. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Q: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" A: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." Don't call. EVER. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. Don't ever notice anything. Don't have a clue. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. Feelings? What feelings? Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.) If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, she's the one who wanted to end the relationship. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. If anyone asks you for a favor...make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, and then...remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every five minutes for the rest of their life. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. If the question begins with "Why", the answer is, "I don't know." If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "Is something wrong?" If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them...you're a man remember?) They really want to know. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them or already gave it to them. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass. Lie. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "Spike". Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help...don't ask. People will think you have no penis.No means yes. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. One word: FOOTBALL! Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to the "don't call, ever" rule. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if your mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis) Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. Yes means no. You are male, therefore you are superior. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:28 AM	#174
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	STUPID PEOPLE STORIES A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states that together they were 29. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. 20 WAYS TO USE A TURKEY 1. A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from. 2. An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie. 3. As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. 4. As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!) 5. As a football for the after-meal game. 6. As a gift/bribe for a professor. 7. As a hood ornament. 8. As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor. 9. Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you. 10. Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature. Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals. 11. Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks. 12. Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun. 13. If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. Put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed. 14. Makes a great doggie chew toy. 15. One word...bowling! As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact. 16. Place a speaker inside the bird, from another room amaze your guests with this talking foul! 17. Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!" 18. Toss it in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog! 19. Two words: Turkey puppet. Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock. 20. Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!" __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:31 AM	#175
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	MISCELLANEOUS MAMA JOKES I could have been your daddy...but the monkey in front of me didn't use a condom! Yo mama applied for a job at a strip club but they already had a stage. Yo mama has got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she's got Don King in a headlock. Yo mama has 10 fingers, all on the same hand. Yo mama lost at Hide N' Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas. Yo mama reminds me of a toilet. She's fat, white, and smells like shit. Yo mama's breath is so bad, when she yawns her teeth duck. Yo mama's cookin' is so bad, even the roaches say "Naw man, I ate before I came over." Yo mama's dick is so big, she makes yo daddy jealous. Yo mama's feet are so big, her shoes have to have license plates! Yo mama's glasses are so thick, a blind person could see with them. Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can burn ants with them. Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can see into the future. Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she reads a map, she sees people waving at her. Yo mama's got so many freckles, she looks like a hamburger! Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail. Yo mama's head is so big, she shows up on radar. Yo mama's head is so small, she uses a tea bag as a pillow. Yo mama's head is so small, when she got her ear pierced she died. Yo mama's lips are so big, chap stick had to invent a spray! Yo mama's nose is so big, you can go bowling with her boogers. Yo mama's nostrils are so huge, she makes Patrick Ewing jealous. Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when she cries, tears roll down her back. Yo mama's so dark, she can leave fingerprints in charcoal. Yo mama's so dark, she has to wear white gloves when she eats tootsie rolls to keep from eating her fingers. Yo mama's so dark, she spits chocolate milk! Yo mama's so dark, when she went to night school, they marked her absent. Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco! Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band-aid! Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her. Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her! Yo mama's so hairy, she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock. Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwhacker. Yo mama's so hairy, she's got afros on her nipples! Yo mama's so hairy, when she goes to the circus, the bearded lady protests against non-union workers. Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes. Yo mama's so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where your daddy has 2 jobs. Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared. Yo mama's so slutty, she can suck-start a Harley! Yo mama's so tall, she did a back flip and kicked god in the mouth. Yo mama's so tall, she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in florida. Yo mama's so tall, when she tripped and fell, her head hit the moon. Yo mama's such a slut, she gives out frequent rider miles. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits out butter! Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Yo mama's like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. Yo mama's like a brick... dirty, flat on both sides and always getting laid by Mexicans. Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo mama's like a carpenters dream...flat as a board and easy to Nail. Yo mama's like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. Yo mama's like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Chinese restaurant, $4.95 all you can eat. Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump. Yo mama's like a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one! Yo mama's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw. Yo mama's like a hockey team, changes her pads every three periods! Yo mama's like a library, open to the public. Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night. Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot. Yo mama's like a racing car... chick burned four rubbers in one night. Yo mama's like a railway system, she gets laid all over the country! Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. Yo mama's like 7-UP, never had it never will. Yo mama's like a shot gun, two cocks and she blows! Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. Yo mama's like a stop sign, she's on every corner. Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner. Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. Yo mama's like a Toyota: "Oh what a feeling!" Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck. Yo mama's like a video game, four men for a dollar. Yo mama's like an ATM, open 24 hours. Yo mama's like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away. Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours. Yo mama's like Domino's Pizza - Something for nothing. Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped. Yo mama's like lettuce, 25 cents a head. Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served. Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easily. Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free. Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy. Yo mama's like spoiled milk, fat and chunky! Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody pokes her. Yo mama's so bald, I can read her mind. Yo mama's so bald, she curls her hair with rice. Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair it looks like stitches. Yo mama's so bald, she looks like a blown up condom. Yo mama's so bald, she took a shower and got brain-washed. Yo mama's so bald, when she puts on a turtleneck, she looks like a roll of deodorant. Yo mama's so bald, you can draw a line down the center of her head and it would look like my ass. Yo mama's so bald, you can tell fortunes on her head. Yo mama's so big, she rollerskates on busses. Yo mama's so big, she uses bowling balls for earrings. Yo mama's so big, they had to change "One size fit's all" to "One size fits most" Yo mama's so big, when I fingered her I lost a watch and two rings! Yo mama's so big, when she goes into the ocean she changes the tide. Yo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes down. Yo mama's so big, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly, they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway. Yo mama's so fat, even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo mama's so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo mama's so fat, everytime someone says "Kool-Aid" she busts through the wall. Yo mama's so fat, God couldn't light Earth until she moved! Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Yo mama's so fat, her butt cheeks look like 2 pigs fighting over a milkdud. Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says, picture continued on the other side. Yo mama's so fat, her waist size is larger then her IQ! Yo mama's so fat, her waist size is the size of the equator! Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side! Yo mama's so fat, I tried to draw her but I ran out of paper. Yo mama's so fat, I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her! Yo mama's so fat, if she’d died you’d have to take her out in two trips. Yo mama's so fat, NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise. Yo mama's so fat, she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth. Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo mama's so fat, she can't stand on a basketball court for 3 seconds without getting called for a key violation. Yo mama's so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo mama's so fat, she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!" Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo mama's so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway. Yo mama's so fat, she had stretch marks when she was a virgin. Yo mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo mama's so fat, she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo mama's so fat, she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own brand of jeans: FA - Fat Ass Jeans. Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo mamas so fat, she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo mama's so fat, she hitch-hikes on dump trucks. Yo mama's so fat, she hula-hooped the Super Bowl. Yo Mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo mama's so fat, she lays on the beach and people run around yelling "Free Willy." Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! Yo mama's so fat, she needs a sock for each toe. Yo mama's so fat, she played Free Willys stunt double. Yo mama's so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose. Yo mama's so fat, she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said "STOP THAT TWINKIE." Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo mama's so fat, she stands in two time zones. Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo Mama's so fat, she uses redwoods to pick her teeth. Yo mama's so fat, she used the I-95 as a Slip 'n Slide. Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections! Yo mama's so fat, she was baptized in tauter sauce. Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world. Yo mama's so fat, she was Miss Arizona -- Class battleship. Yo mama's so fat, she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo mama's so fat, she went bungee jumping and went straight to hell! Yo mama's so fat, she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals! Yo mama's so fat, she went to a salad bar and pulled up a chair. Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code! Yo mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family. Yo mama's so fat, that her senior pictures had to be Arial views! Yo mama's so fat, that when God said 'Let there be light' he told her To move her fat ole butt over!' Yo mama's so fat, that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo mama's so fat, that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn." Yo mama's so fat, the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts! Yo mama's so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures. Yo mama's so fat, the police dogs at the airport stopped her for hanving 10lbs of crack. Yo mama's so fat, the police showed her a picutre of her feet and she couldn't identify them. yo mama's so fat, they had to change "One size fits all" to "One size fits everybody but yo mama". Yo mama's so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo mama's so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping. Yo mama's so fat, they wrote a book about her, it was called Moby Dick. Yo mama's so fat, to her "light food" means under 4 tons! Yo mama's so fat, we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay for her because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. Yo Mama's so fat, when she dances at a concert the whole band skips! Yo mama's so fat, when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on a scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride her! Yo mama's so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo mama's so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo mama's so fat, when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo mama's so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A, Chicago... Yo mama's so fat, when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights! Yo mama's so fat, when she runs away, they have to use all four sides of the milk carton. Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD played skip, at the radio station! Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo mama's so fat, when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please." Yo mama's so fat, when she tripped over 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party! Yo mama's so fat, when she walks around Texas in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say "Taxi!" Yo mama's so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo mama's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo mama's so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:36 AM	#176
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Yo mama's so poor, after I pissed in your yard, she thanked me for watering the lawn. Yo mama's so poor, burglars break into her house and leave money. Yo mama's so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp. Yo mama's so poor, her TV's got 2 channels - ON and OFF! Yo mama's so poor, I came over for dinner and saw 3 beans on the table, I took one and she said "Don't be greedy." Yo mama's so poor, I stepped on her skateboard and she said "Hey, get off the car!" Yo mama's so poor, I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me and tried to take my wallet. Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and Your mom said, "Who turned off the lights?" Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd tree to your right." Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house, asked what's for dinner, so she lit my pockets on fire and said "Hot Pockets." Yo mama's so poor, I went into her house and flushed a cockroach down the toilet and she said, "Hey, where'd Grandma go?" Yo mama's so poor, I went to her house and tore down some cob webs, and she said "Who's tearing down the drapes?" Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford the o or the r. Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford to live in a two story cheerio box. Yo mama's so poor, she can't afford to pay attention. Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford free samples from the supermarket. Yo mama's so poor, she can't even afford to go to the free clinic. Yo mama's so poor, she drives a peanut. Yo mama's so poor, she got arrested for breaking the gum-ball machine because it didn't take food-stamps. Yo mama's so poor, she married young just to get the rice! Yo mama's so poor, she put free samples on layaway. Yo mama's so poor, she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What YA doing?" she said, "buying luggage." Yo mama's so poor, she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. Yo mama's so poor, the bank repossessed her cardboard box. Yo mama's so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted! Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china. Yo mama's so poor, when I asked what was for dinner, she pulled her shoelaces off and said "Spagetti." Yo mama's so poor, when I rang the doorbell I heard the toilet flush! Yo mama's so poor, when I ring the doorbell she says "Ding!" Yo mamma's so poor, when I was saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "moving." Yo mama's so poor, when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Remodeling." Yo mama's so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! Yo mama's so poor, when she heard about the last supper, she thought they had ran out of food stamps. Yo mama's so poor, I asked her where the facilities were, and she said, "Pick a corner, any corner." Yo mama's so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out. Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord. Yo mama's so nasty, her shit is glad when it escapes. Yo mama's so nasty, her tits give sour milk. Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex, and she gave me an ear infection. Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus. Yo mama's so nasty, she breeds crabs. Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts." Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster. Yo mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left. Yo mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down. Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her panties to keep the crabs fresh. Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea. Yo mama's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head. Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to your house and said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!" Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to your house and said what's for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!" Yo mama's so nasty, when she went to the hairdresser she asked for a shave and she opened her shirt Yo mama's so old, even god calls her mother! Yo mama's so old, her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama's so old, her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo mama's so old, her memory is in black and white. Yo mama's so old, her social security number is 1! Yo mama's so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch died. Yo mama's so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories. Yo mama's so old, she baby-sat for Jesus'. Yo mama's so old, she co-wrote the ten commandments. Yo mama's so old, she drove a chariot to high school. Yo mama's so old, she farts out mummy dust. Yo mama's so old, she has a Jesus' Starter jacket. Yo mama's so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama's so old, she has an autographed bible. Yo mama's so old, she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo mama's so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus' 5 dollars. Yo mama's so old, she planted the first tree at Central Park. Yo mama's so old, she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama's so old, she squirts powdered milk out her nipples. Yo mama's so old, she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. Yo mama's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her. Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the last supper. Yo mama's so old, she watered the Garden of Eden. Yo mama's so old, she's blind from the big bang. Yo mama's so old, that when god said let there be light, she hit the switch! Yo mama's so old, that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama's so old, the candles cost more than the birthday cake. Yo mama's so old, the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment. Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was sitting on the other side fishing. Yo mama's so old, when she reads the bible she reminisces. Yo mama's so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. Yo mama's so ugly, a fly wouldn't sit on her. Yo mama's so ugly, even a blind man wouldn't have sex with her. Yo mama's so ugly, even Rice Krispies wont talk to her. Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her. Yo mama's so ugly, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot. Yo mama's so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo mama's so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel. Yo mama's so ugly, her shadow quit. Yo mama's so ugly, I have to watch your sister undress just to calm down. Yo mama's so ugly, I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back." Yo mama's so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck. Yo mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo mama's so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away. Yo mama's so ugly, people at the circus pay money not to see her. Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it. Yo mama's so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birth control! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. Yo mama's so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo mama's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. Yo mama's so ugly, she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herself in the mirror. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo mama's so ugly, she has to trick or treat over the phone! Yo mama's so ugly, she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow. Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes an onion cry. Yo mama's so ugly, she makes blind children cry. Yo mama's so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it never came back. Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone! Yo mama's so ugly, she walked into Taco Bell and they all ran for the border! Yo mama's so ugly, she went to a haunted house on Halloween and they gave her an application. Yo mama's so ugly, she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. Yo mama's so ugly, she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keep breaking. Yo mama's so ugly, Ted Dansen wouldn't even date her! Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she'd get the electric chair. Yo mama's so ugly, that if ugly were an Olympic event, she would be the dream team. Yo mama's so ugly, that when she cries the tears run down the back of her head because they're afraid of her face! Yo mama's so ugly, that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him, for he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo mama's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it. Yo mama's so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo mama's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo mama's so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock! Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo mama's so ugly, they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo mama's so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks. Yo mama's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with a paycheck. Yo mama's so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out. Yo mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo mama's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming. Yo mama's so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows. Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said "Twins!" Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her mama! Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor smacked the wrong end. Yo mama's so ugly, when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "rape" and they yelled "NO!" Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out. Yo mama's so ugly, When your mama was born they had to take her out of the trashcan cause doctor said "Throw this shit away!" Yo mama's so ugly, your daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time. Yo mama's so ugly, your father's breath smells like shit 'cause he'd rather kiss her ass. Yo mama's so stupid, at the bottom of the application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius. Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box. Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer. Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front. Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned. Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan Marino. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her a day to cook a 3 minute egg. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her a week to get rid of a 24hr. virus. Yo mama's so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store. Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "Guess" so she said "Levi's" Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. Yo mama's so stupid, she called the cocaine hotline to order some. Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1" Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment. Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles. Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged. Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car. Yo mama's so stupid, she got in the bathtub and looked for the steering wheel. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death! Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor. Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible with the top down. Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death. Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo mama's so stupid, she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper. Yo mama's so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside so she got a bowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up. Yo mama's so stupid, she makes Beavis ad Butt-Head look like Noble Prize winners. Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble. Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese." Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call. Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out. Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 04:37 AM	#177
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco. Yo mama's so stupid, she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken. Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y, she said "Cause I wanna know". Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a sign that said wet floor so she did. Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around. Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. Yo mama's so stupid, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo mama's so stupid, she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage. Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said concentrate. Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus. Yo mama's so stupid, she stole free bread. Yo mama's so stupid, she studies for a drug test! Yo mama's so stupid, she talks back to her Rice Krispies. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought 2pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought gangrene was another golf course. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Wu Tang" was an African orange drink! Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk." Yo mama's so stupid, she took a cup to see juice. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo mama's so stupid, she took an umbrella to see purple rain. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried committing suicide off a curb. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried hanging herself with a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool. Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to teach a blind person sign language. Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff. Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater. Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yelling "Free Lays". Yo mama's so stupid, she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a baseball game and drowned in the waves. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Disneyland and saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so she went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had. Yo mama's so stupid, that she puts lipstick on, just to make-up her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo mama's so stupid, that she tried to put M&m's in alphabetical order! You mama's so stupid, that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones. Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!" Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry or grape?" Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends. Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin and threw it back. Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key. Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen. Yo mama's so short, she does backflips underneath her bed. Yo mama's so short, she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Yo mama's so short, she models for trophies. Yo mama's so short, she plays handball off the curb. Yo mama's so short, that she has to hold up a sign that says "don't spit! I can't swim"! Yo mama's so short, you can see her feet on her drivers license! shew ... ok i'm done __________________

Jun 30, 2003, 06:53 AM	#178
Mac Daddy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,950 Rep Power: 64 System Specs	Right On !!! Hey Neon ........ some funny stuff BUD !! And lots of it you maniac I've got another bumper sticker for ya ..... If your a street rodder .... A friend of my fathers made a bunch of them up because at meets Teakers(Antique Car restorers) are always so ANAL about modifying older cars ...... This one always made me laugh: It takes a patient man to restore a Classic Car ........ It takes a REAL MAN to chop one up !! __________________ "My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance." - Tim Allen

Jun 30, 2003, 07:59 AM	#180
Mac Daddy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,950 Rep Power: 64 System Specs	Thanks for your consideration BUD I'll patiently await your posting of more jokes ..... Glad you like the thread ........ I'm certainly enjoying it ..... What better way to start your Monday ..... than reading a few jokes before work __________________ "My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance." - Tim Allen