[peterosesbookie]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed),in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

[peterosesbookie]

Six presidents on a sinking ship:

Ford : "What do we do?!"

Bush : "Man the lifeboats!"

Reagan : "What lifeboats?"

Carter : "Women first!"

Nixon : "Screw the women!"

Clinton : "You think we have time?"

[peterosesbookie]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet
shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which
could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like
the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was
the shop owner's reply. The shop owner did and Chet began
to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!.. "

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's
right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was
filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper
and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his
arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No,"the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show
you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed
it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him,
and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man
then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to
please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted
his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out
loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's
nuts roasting on an open fire ."

[peterosesbookie]

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire - among other things. Within a month, having smoked the entire stockpile of these great cigars, and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were "lost in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering, the Judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that "the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be 'unacceptable' fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 for the loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With the lawyer's own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 2 years in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

[peterosesbookie]

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One
guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go
faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly,
takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty
interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A
horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer
excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of
dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

[peterosesbookie]

-Take One
*********************************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.

*******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
*******************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him." (dramatic pause)

"Hi Fred. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group
of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
*******************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him
regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of
their multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work
but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk
on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The
company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1: Knowing where to
put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in
peace.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
****************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
*****************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
*****************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
****************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

**************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
**************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[peterosesbookie]

WARNING YOUR NAME HAS CAME UP YOU ARE BEING WATCHED BY THE FBI


Go to the link below and check it out for yourself!

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/ ] http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/ [/URL]

[peterosesbookie]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.!

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ... I think not.

[peterosesbookie]

USMC Rules For Gun fighting

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is
expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough
nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
running.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel
pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to
beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep
your hands where I can see them).

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
start with a "4."



Navy Rules for Gun fighting

1. Go to Sea

2. Send the Marines

3. Drink Coffee

[peterosesbookie]

"The Donkey in the Well"

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finallyhe decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed
a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the
donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's! neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the
edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out
of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

[peterosesbookie]

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately two teeth every ten years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

6. Only seven ( 7 ) percent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2 to 6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
They are reused in vein transplant surgery

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

[peterosesbookie]

W.Va Quarter recall:


I heard today where the new West Virginia quarter is going to be
recalled soon. They say it won't work in vending machines. Apparently
the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming
the machines

[peterosesbookie]

World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 (FOUR) correct answers)


 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

 2) Which country makes Panama hats?

 3) From which animal do we get catgut?

 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

 7) What was King George VI's first name?

 8) What color is a purple finch?

> >9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


All done? Check your answers below!







ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand

What do you mean you failed?

[peterosesbookie]

In Her Own Words



Defense Attorney : What is your age?

Little Old Woman : I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney : Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman : There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney : Did you know him?

Little Old Woman : No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney : What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Woman : He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney : Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman : No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney : Why not?

Little Old Woman : It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney : What happened next?

Little Old Woman : He began to rub my breasts..

Defense Attorney : Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman : No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney : Why not?

Little Old Woman : Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney : What happened next?

Little Old Woman : Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him..."Take me young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney : Did he take you?

Little Old Woman : Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"... And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

[peterosesbookie]

Another Little Johnny

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born without ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched
the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."

[peterosesbookie]

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of passing gas loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.! The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean," asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day

I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[peterosesbookie]

*What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes ?
Goes-in-tight !

* What's a "68" ?
You do me and I owe you one.

* What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball ?
Gagged !

* What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates ?
A tearjerker.

* Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life ? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

* How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb ?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out !

* What's the definition of a vagina ?
The box a penis comes in.

* What two words will clear out a men's restroom ?
Nice Dick!"

* What do you call a truckload of vibrators ?
Toys for Twats.

* Why do we have orgasms ?
How else would we know when to stop ?

* What's the definition of indefinitely ?
When your balls are slapping up against her, you're in . definitely !

* Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary !

* What do a dildo and soy beans have in common ?
They are both used as a meat substitute.

* What do you call kids born in whorehouses ?
Brothel sprouts.

* What is every Amish woman's private fantasy ?
Two Mennonite

* How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood ?
His hand caught fire.

* Why is sex like a game of bridge ?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.

* What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth ?
Gladiator !

* Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank ?
Sperm is handmade.

* How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good ?
Put a nipple on it.

* What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

[peterosesbookie]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f--k off the car!"

[peterosesbookie]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time
we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[peterosesbookie]

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement . . .

We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty . .

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer:

A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had sense of humor!)

[peterosesbookie]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is
not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making
love?"


"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send
you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have
gotten out today."

[peterosesbookie]

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet in Baghdad for the first round
of talks in a new peace process.

When George sits down, he sees three buttons on the side of Saddam's
chair. They begin talking. After five minutes Saddam presses the first
button. A boxing glove springs out of the desk and punches Bush in the
face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a boot comes
out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again George
carries on talking. But when the third button is pressed, and another boot
comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough!!

I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these
talks in two weeks in Washington!"

A fortnight passes, and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the
two men sit down, Hussein sees three buttons on Bush's chair, and prepares
for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first
button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens! George snickers.

A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up but
again nothing happens! Bush roars with laughter!

When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again, nothing
happens! Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics!!

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[peterosesbookie]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces,
"If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his
lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi
stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the
college education of his children!!"

More sighs and applause.

Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I
offer SEX!!"

There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever
possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Goldfarb answers, "I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what we could contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said, 'Fµ©k the rabbi.'"

[peterosesbookie]

Lone Ranger joke!!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen


very



carefully ....



for the



last




time ....




I said.....



"BRING POSSE ! "

[peterosesbookie]

Dear Son:
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped
him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
----------------------------------------------
Dear Son:
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because
your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad
----------------------------------------------
Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad,
don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"
----------------------------------------------
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and lo! cal police officers
showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the
best I could do for you at this time."

[peterosesbookie]

Blondes and Football

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What on earth do you mean???"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back!!!!!
Get the quarter back!!!!!'"

[peterosesbookie]

Laugh

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will ....... be careful laughing, strange things happen.

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room

she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.

Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[peterosesbookie]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from above a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice answered, "NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."

[peterosesbookie]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman."Good day,
Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching
it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

[peterosesbookie]

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line, the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.

"Oh no!" the farmer thought, "He got stung and now I have to give him the farm!"

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay," gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a mother?"