[peterosesbookie]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out: "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"


Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"

[peterosesbookie]

Subject: SPORTS COMMENTATORS' COMMENTS


Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:

"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[peterosesbookie]

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[peterosesbookie]

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White, and
Quasimoto were talking over a picnic lunch.

Hercules says, "You know, everyone says I am
the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know
how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says
I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the
ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've
got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell
us the truth."

Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

Quasimoto gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow.
Boy, I'm going to find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says,
"I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest.

"Quasimoto has his head down, leaning on the table and says,
"Who the heck is Janet Reno?"

[peterosesbookie]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the Woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly...


"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cuts him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

(Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!)

[peterosesbookie]

__________________________________________________ ___________________
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant
user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need
to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system
startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain
the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he
was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it
goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the
customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't
include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for
a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you
said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power
supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

[peterosesbookie]

Cough Medicine

So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
and the clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle
of laxative."

The owner goes, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
and the clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

[peterosesbookie]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, have set up their
tent, and are sound asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his
faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, gently shakes his head,
then speaks. "Tonto, you Dumb Ass! Someone has stolen our tent!"

[peterosesbookie]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs,"
The little girl thought for a moment --- then took her foot and stomped them
flat. "Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden."

[peterosesbookie]

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing and still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
5. All reports are in: life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere!
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter: I
go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after

[peterosesbookie]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical
examination the same day so they could travel together. After
the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to
be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have
sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady,
the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any
medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The
doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and cold and chilly after the second
time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first
time is usually in July and the second time is usually in
December."

[peterosesbookie]

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. Why talk to me?" she asked.

The man replies "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like
yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

[peterosesbookie]

THE TWO TOUGHIES:
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8
kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you
recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the
answer of this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your
vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
leading candidates:

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also
chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whisky every evening.

Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't
had any extramarital affairs.




Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

And by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes...
you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting, isn't it?

Makes a person think before judging someone.

[peterosesbookie]

Your Daily Moment of Zen (Modified to reflect contemporary
wisdom):

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
then things get worse.

25. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

[peterosesbookie]

Texas Chili Cook-off


In Texas they have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So
I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. lady is starting
to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili.

[peterosesbookie]

"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are
rolled back in his head.

"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"

[peterosesbookie]

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says,"Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill", they reply.
The man says,"You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a short while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door.
"Well now, you're just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel", says the little boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later, the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you suppose to be now?!!", he asks.
"Chocolate M&M's", says the little girl. "I'm plain,
he's got nuts."

[peterosesbookie]

Halloween


A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days
so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them
to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there
laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife,
"What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this
back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and
there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his
wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take
this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home
again from work, there laid out on the bed are! three items: one is a set of
three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is
a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white
buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one,
you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT
one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle.

[peterosesbookie]

Elton John goes to a tattoo parlor and asks to have a car
tattooed on his dick.

The tattoo artist asks, "What type of car would you like put
on?"

"Better make it a 4x4," replies Elton reflectively, "it's got
a lot of shit to get through."

[peterosesbookie]

Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an
afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no
effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom
of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the
boss in the parking lot.

[peterosesbookie]

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still
hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter
is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but
didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one
another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to
join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy
panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he
asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is
yours to explore, but down there I am still in
mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The
following night, the same scenario. She's standing
there with the black panties on, and he is in his
birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a
black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with
this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[peterosesbookie]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to
be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband, losing his head,
put a gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted,"Don't do it! This is a
good and generous man! Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I
bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He
did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I
budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said uncertainly, "What
would you do in a case like this?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
cold.

[peterosesbookie]

* Friendly fire - isn't.

* If the enemy is in range, so are you.

* When in doubt, empty the magazine.

* Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

* Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

* Tracers work both ways.

* "Aim towards Enemy" - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

* "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit"

* When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

* If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.

* Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit
the ground.

* It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.

* Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons.

* You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.

* Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

* Incoming fire has the right of way.

* Five second fuses only last three seconds.

* Who cares if a laser guided 500 lb. bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

* The easy way is always mined.

* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.

* Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

* If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

* Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

* Push to test... Release to detonate.

* No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out.

* Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

* Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

* The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

* Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

* The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready
for them. When you're not ready for them.

* Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

* The side with the simplest uniforms win

* When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.

* If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission
properly.

[peterosesbookie]

A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving
equality throughout the world..........

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily
walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is
marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman

[peterosesbookie]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What in life makes 100%? Want to know the secret?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And
look how far this will take you!

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

[peterosesbookie]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

Harry
replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer,

Harry: Bubble gum

Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands."

Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: "Firetruck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

[peterosesbookie]

DISASTER IN MEXICO

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States of America is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

Adios...Ed

[peterosesbookie]

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're
suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that
true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause I was wonderin', think I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly
women I've slept with?"

[peterosesbookie]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now . . .
No beer
No booze
No bars
No television
No Internet
No baseball
No football
No basketball
No hockey
No golf
Soccer only, and all the time
No tailgate parties
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
Rags for clothes and hats
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe with your left
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no
doctors
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower
No music
No radio
You can't shave
Your wife can't shave
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times
Your bride is picked by someone else
She smells just like your donkey but your donkey has a better disposition
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
No mystery here

[peterosesbookie]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.


"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."


"Also, " said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that to."


"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."


True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."