[merry]

A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone: "Get me a ?uckin' cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are ?uckin' talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

[merry]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Louie6666]

Originally posted by merry
A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone: "Get me a ?uckin' cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are ?uckin' talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Have used above in real life.....Working on A Helpdesk is Great Sometimes. :P

I have a 1 in 20 chance of getting caught...

normally along the lines of "Do you remember My name? " caller reply "No"

Then hit the reciever dam quick

[jkayca2]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show
you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He
reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to
play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender,
"If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free
drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees,
thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the
first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny
rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny
piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds
to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and
pulls out a small bullfrog that begins to sing along with
the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger
confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger
increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he
insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases
the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally
agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange
for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could
have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a
mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it, the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a
ventriloquist.

[Mac Daddy]

Some good ones HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hey Louie .... Merry ... when is the last time the three of us were on the same thread

Well I'm going to start off slow tonight ... nice to be back and aware .. Flu sucks ... NO JOKE

were going in .................................................. .......

IN THE TORONTO AREA THERE HAVE BEEN REPORTS THAT A DRIVERHEAVEN MEMBER BY THE NAME OF " BiGBrOWnPimpsta" WAS USING THE ALIAS OF YET ANOTHER DH MEMBER FROM CANADA !!!!!!!!!!!!

VISIOUS RUMOUR OR FACT ???????????????

.................................................. ....................

[Highwood]

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF

1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY YOU ASK? Well,,,,,,,


1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND..

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

[Mac Daddy]

That was good Highwood

But here's a real lifer for ya ...............

My EX's 15 year Old daughter was being bothered by one of her male classmates.
They got into an argument and she started to walk away ...


He Hollered " Hey baby why don't you suck my cock".

She turned and replied "BECAUSE MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME NEVER TOO PUT SMALL OBJECTS IN MY MOUTH"

Morale of the story .... he never bothered her again

[Mac Daddy]

Your Mama Jokes

Your mama is so fat:
:When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
:When she dances she makes the band skip.
:When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
:She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. (<- clearly the winner)
:Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
:When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
:Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
:Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
:She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
:The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

[fornicatarachnid]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[Saint_K]

hahahahah thats a really good one man

[Mac Daddy]

Thats FUNNY FORNY !!!!!!!!!!

Some new blood for the thread

A young man and his fiancée left a local bike shop with his new Harley in tow.
Before they left the store the clerk offered a bit of advise:

To protect the chrome on your new Harley from the rain ... Simply coat it with Vaseline.
The couple thanked him for his advice and proceeded to have dinner with her parents.

On the way to her parents she informed him that their family had a very odd suppertime ritual.
The first one to speak after dinner had to do the dishes.
Not thinking anything of it he smiles and said No Problem.
The Harley pulled up in front of a very lavish looking house.. He was impressed.
And a little bit nervous.. It was the first time he had been to her parent’s house...

When he walked in he was suddenly shocked and a little scared.
For the house was littered with countless stacks of plates, glasses, cookware and utensils.
No dishes had been washed here in a very long time.

A bit uneasy now he sat down and ate a well-prepared meal with his future bride and future In Laws.
After dinner everyone just sat looking at each other ... Not a word spoken....

After a while he starts to feel a little bit horny.. His fiancée is sitting close to him and she is very beautiful.
Finally he gives in.. Grabs his fiancée and throws her on the table.. He rips her clothes off and makes love to her right in front of her parents.
After there finished.. They get dressed and resume there position at the table ... Not a word spoken so far ......

A little while later he starts to feel these urges again.... But this time not for his fiancée...
Even while she was serving dinner he was amazed at the resemblance of mother and daughter.
After another uneasy pause he cant help himself ......

He grabs the mother ... throws her on the table ... rips her clothes off and makes love to her..
Still not a word spoken ...........
They get dressed and resume their current positions around the table....

Still no one had spoken a word.
Getting very uneasy the man looks over his left shoulder through a window ... and sees his new Harley sitting there..
Wait... he notices water droplets on the chrome.... IT'S RAINING!!!!
Remembering what the clerk at the bike shop had said...
Jumping up he hollers " DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY VASELINE????"

The father immediately jumps up ... waving his arms ... he hollers "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT I'LL DO THE DISHES"

[jkayca2]

An oldie but a goodie.


George Carlin specials:

PONDER THIS..........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Stop singing and read on..........

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[jkayca2]

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "feminine issues"

[merry]

Hahaha, can you believe there is a Romanian version to "Dave", I've known it for a very long time

Do you know this one?

A radio station anounced the iminent landing of Martians somewhere in the countryside, and people are warned to be polite and not too pushy with them... They're supposed to be little green men, with large eyes, red face, and long hands down to the ground. And a bit lacking in the sense of hearing, but OK allover.

So one day, Jack was reaping grass near the woods, when he stumbles upon this short green guy, hands down to the ground... red face... large exophtalmic eyes... must be one of them. So he decides to give him some clues about life on Planet Earth.

-Hi... I'm Jack... the reaper... reaping grass...

The little green man says nothing, so Jack raises his voice a bit:

- Hi... (etc)

Nothing again, so Jack, almost shouting, goes at it again:

- Hi, I'm Jack -

- I'm John, the forrest ranger, interrupts the little green man. I'm crapping.

[Mac Daddy]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back. Or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are a few stories of people who did and do....

1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow. And asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.

2) I was at the golf store comparing different types of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,” I think I like playing with men's balls."

3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed some help.
I replied,” No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day my sister has never let me forget.

4) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "RIGHT NOW" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,” If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last bit of dignity I had and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

5) A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,” PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

6) This had most of the state of Ohio laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor that will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any ... a true story ..
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

[fornicatarachnid]

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie.

The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

[Mac Daddy]

Thats funny ... almost sounds like a Donald Duck blowjob thing I've heard ....... Let me get you a towel ROFL

[fornicatarachnid]

Originally posted by Mac Daddy
Thats funny ... almost sounds like a Donald Duck blowjob thing I've heard ....... Let me get you a towel ROFL

Yeah ive heard that ! I used to play it over and over when I first heard it, its brilliant !

[Calinerti]

A prostitute asked me yesterday if I would like to sleep with her for $50. I said, "Well, I'm not that tired but I could use the money".

[tek]

Originally posted by Calinerti
A prostitute asked me yesterday if I would like to sleep with her for $50. I said, "Well, I'm not that tired but I could use the money".

LMAO!!! That's def. a good one, I'm gunna use that somewhere

[Mac Daddy]

Originally posted by tek
LMAO!!! That's def. a good one, I'm gunna use that somewhere

YES IT WAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

So tek being a Boston native let me ask you one thing ........ WASSUP with the Bruins ??
My favorite team ........

Canada ... birthplace of Ray Bourque ... birthplace of Bobby Orr .. birthplace of Don Cherry
Man we need to kick some major BB arse soon

Thats no joke

EDIT NOTE: tek love your new Avatar

[Mac Daddy]

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[peterosesbookie]

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession:

"Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked
me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have
no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with
her sexual favors."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the
Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the
good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father, That's a great load off my mind. I have one more
question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

The old man replied, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

[peterosesbookie]

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.


2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.



3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.



4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"



5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.



6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".



7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."



8. Don't use any punctuation marks.



9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.



10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.


11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".


12. Sing along at the opera.



13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.


14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.



15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.



16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim
or Jim.



17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd
time this week!!!!!"



18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling
"run for your lives, they're loose!"



19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go." And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...

[peterosesbookie]

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it's sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

[peterosesbookie]

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would haveproduced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before itstarves to death.
(Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head isattached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping themale's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(I wouldn't want to be a Butterfly! What if you stepped in shit?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........like I didn't know THAT already!)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(What if you're ambidextrous?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig? There's always a catch!)

[peterosesbookie]

THE RULES

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants
him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know
whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not
what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't
take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the
Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to
Rule #5.

[peterosesbookie]

found this in humor in WSJ.com; If Airlines Sold Paint




If Airlines Sold Paint

Buying Paint From a Hardware Store

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality, which is $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $80, plus tax.

... From an Airline

Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 180 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. W hen do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it mater to your whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for flying -- I mean painting -- with our airline.

-- By Alan H. Hess, owner of Hess Travel, Bountiful, Utah. The story was originally published in Travel Weekly magazine, October 1998. Versions of the story have been copied, posted on message boards and e-mailed around the world

[peterosesbookie]

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Then I said, "Man, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner..."

[peterosesbookie]

A little humor to stat your day!!

How to call the police


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(true story)