Joke Thread

Mac Daddy · Aug 2, 2003, 09:23 AM

This makes 300 posts to the Joke thread ... great job everybody !!!!!!!!!!!!!

kinetic · Aug 2, 2003, 01:04 PM

USEFUL ARAB PHRASES

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN:

Thank you for showing me your marvellous gun.

FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR:

I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE:

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST:

it is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN:

if you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY:

I will tell you the names and address of many American spies travelling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI,:

whatever you say !!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH GHORBAN:

the red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST NO BEGERAM:

the water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you, I must have the recipe.

Kgentatszu] · Aug 3, 2003, 02:13 AM

here's one, give it a go.........."the seven dwarfs (from snow white) are watching her (snow white) bathing in the river" what kind of advertisement are they making????

kinetic · Aug 3, 2003, 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Maxxypoos
here's one, give it a go.........."the seven dwarfs (from snow white) are watching her (snow white) bathing in the river" what kind of advertisement are they making????

Put me out of my misery!

Kgentatszu] · Aug 3, 2003, 12:19 PM

~LOL, come'on guys anyone?? i'm sure someone has heard this before.........~LOL, come'on kinetic give it a go...

jkayca2 · Aug 3, 2003, 11:12 PM

Can't answe Maxxypoos joke but here's another Snow White joke...

Why is Snow White always getting mad at the seven dwarves?

Because of the way they always greet her, "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho...

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 06:51 PM

time for another barrage ................ hold on to your hats boys and girls your in for a ride.....

Amusing Irrelevant Facts

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit
cards.

2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.

4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time areteenagers.

6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of
his territory.

8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
might be retarded.

9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.

11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.

12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other
weather.

13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.

14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is
the wrong size.

15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.

16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.

17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under
frozen foods.

18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.

19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.

20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.

21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
toast.

22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.

23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.

25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently
eaten bananas.

27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day.

29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.

30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.

33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C.

34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.

35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.

37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with
his teeth.

38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died.

39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
coffee.

40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat.

42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.

45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde.

46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981.

48. Every person has a unique tongue print.

49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.

52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in
their wallets.

53. Bubble gum contains rubber.

54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."

56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.

59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.

61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh,
why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!]

64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend,
Indiana.

67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The
rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day.

70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.

71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in
1991.

74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."

75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western
Pacific.

76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them
are in Parma!]

77. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

79. Mosquitos have teeth.

80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and
Elvis Presley.

83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards.

86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential
hell."

87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients
would die.

88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex.

89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant
"plenty of excrement."

90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 06:55 PM

Astrological Signs Like You have Never Seen them

1. Taurus (April 21-May 21)

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach
to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The
typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus
comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole
in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.
He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore,
and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's
business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show
for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll
see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are
for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.
In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can
chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged
love life.

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn,
Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms,
Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.

2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an
enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then
go do something absolutely different, they are not being
two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle
of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they
are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men
are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,
and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!
ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers,
"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my
life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."
Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls
all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely
interested. Bitch.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are
easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini
parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.
Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,
even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan
Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry
Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.

3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac.
Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse
is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at
home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late
at the office to earn more bread for the family home.
Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married.
But who's counting?

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves
a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll
say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out
the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented
to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good
time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably
a Cancer.

Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway,
Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland,
Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.

4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have
to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic,
which helps a lot in the free fuck department.
However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make
great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a
candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a
classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses
her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do
is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other
feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant,
someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on.
On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get
in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell
fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous.
The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and
"I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases
to save for Leos.

Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman
Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude
Debussy.

5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people
who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A
Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards
sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you
cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first.
People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming,
and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding
their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat
covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people
who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom
isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,
if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after.
And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter
Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery,
Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.

6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be
right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery,
but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it.
Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight
dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you
a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that
may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else
is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening
to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always
Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way
to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk
rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.
Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a
well-behaved lover.

Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte
Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,
Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.

7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.
They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to
their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios
hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person
to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,
they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,
Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich
Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,
& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just
depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't
have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by
their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until
someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios
fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.

8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people
fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the
party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes
of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are
also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what
ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius
person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get
married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it.
A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an
obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the
hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as
amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the
leader of the PLO.

Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin
Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas,
Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott,
Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams.

9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,
hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend
to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,
Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they
really only have 3.

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they
are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.
These are the true snots of the world. But they make good
supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other
people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are
much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But
if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.
They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees
when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end
up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate
lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since
they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven,
Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich,
Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis
Joplin and Elvis Presley.

10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most
original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians
fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an
elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp
analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual
position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility.
Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are
a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented
by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the
"pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em!
Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an
Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months.
It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session
lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't
give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless,
slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign
are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass
them on.

Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and
her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John
Barrymore, Cahrles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll
and Robert Burns.

11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)

These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the
signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies
that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry
each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of
course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for
the rest of us.

The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called
the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't
enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.

There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except
that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a
result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.

Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen,
Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth
Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev,
Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They
DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow,
Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 06:58 PM

12. Aries (March 21-April 20)

Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative
leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the
first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are
the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it
by the numbers.

Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when
the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into
the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out
to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.

The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that
limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old
thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is
not a long leap for an Aries.

Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan
Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar
Sharif, Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds.

---------------------------------------
Life in the Middle Ages

1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and
still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers
to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds
came into existence.

5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."

6. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until
when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

7. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in
the pot nine days old."

8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and "chew the fat."

9. Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

10. Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and
guests got the top, or "upper crust."

11. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and
the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

12. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch
marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift")
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."

-----------------

Zen Thoughts

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short memory.

--------------------

Easy Training Courses for Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:01 PM

Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings

1. I will not waste chalk

2. I will not skateboard in the halls

3. I will not burp in class

4. I will not instigate revolution

5. I will not draw naked ladies in class

6. I did not see Elvis

7. I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'

8. Garlic gum is not funny

9. They are laughing at me, not with me

10. I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom

11. I will not encourage others to fly

12. I will not fake my way through life

13. Tar is not a plaything

14. I will not Xerox my butt

15. I will not trade pants with others

16. I will not do that thing with my tongue

17. I will not drive the principal's car

18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

19. I will not sell school property

20. I will not cut corners

21. I will not get very far with this attitude

22. I will not make flatulent noises in class

23. I will not belch the National Anthem

24. I will not sell land in Florida

25. I will not grease the monkey bars

26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment

27. I will not do anything bad ever again

28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font}

---------------

Bathroom Sayings

1. Here I sit, in the hall of vapors.
Some darn fool done stole the papers.
The bell has rung I must not linger.
Look out ass here comes my finger.

(Variation) Here I sit in deadly vapor,
Wishing for some toilet paper.
How long, I wonder, must I linger,
Before I'm forced to use my finger?

(Variation) Here I sit
In the halls
of Vapor.
Some darn fool
Done stole
the Paper

(Variation) Here I sit,
In the vapor.
Last guy in,
Used all the paper!

2. Found printed on a condom machine.
"This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!"

3. Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:
"My wife follows me everywhere."
Written just below it:
"I do not."

4. Those who write on bathroom walls,
Roll their shit in little balls.
And you who read these words of wit,
Eat those little balls of shit.

5. Here I sit, broken hearted
Came to shit and only farted.
Wasted a dime, but what the hell,
At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell.

(Variation) Here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid a dime and only farted.
The next time I took a chance,
Saved a dime and shit my pants.

(Variation) Here I sit lonely hearted,
Tried to shit, but only farted.
Back at my desk I take a chance,
Tried to fart, but shit my pants.

6. Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern.
"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"

7. Be like Pop,
Not like Sis.
Lift the lid,
Before you Piss!

8. Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink.
I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the writing on the walls.

(Variation) Some come here to sit and think
And write upon the wall.
I come here to shit and stink
And scratch my hairy balls.

9. What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom?
The candy man can.

10. Women's bathroom:
"We aim to please,
Men claim to please."

11. One over a Urinal:
"We aim to please.
You AIM TOO, PLEASE!"

12. (in a large nasty scrawl)
"I fucked your mother!"
(below it in smaller more precise script)
"Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

------------------------------------------

Brand Name Condoms and Their Slogans

1. Nike Condoms: Just do it.

2. Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?

3. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

4. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

5. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

6. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

7. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

8. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Point and Shoot!

9. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately?

10. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

11. Jeep-Eagle Condom: There's Only One Jeep (sold in singles only)

12. The Saturn Condom: A *Different* Kind of Condom

13. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish
everybody did?

14. NY Lotto Condoms: 'Cause, hey -- you never know.

15. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

16. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...

17. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

18. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

19. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it.

20. Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one.

21. Bud-Lite Condom: Where's the Love Man!

22. Honda Motorcycle Condom: Come Ride With Us

23. SEVEN-UP Condom: The UN-Condom

24. Iomega Condom: For All Your Stuff

25. Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? We are universally
compatible.

--------------------

Cartoon Laws of Physics

1. Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At
this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
takes over.

2. Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.

3. Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming exactly to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

4. Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

5. Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet
of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

6. Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has
the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

7. Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

8. Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

9. Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

--------------

Children Books Not recommended by the National Library Association

1. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.

2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.

3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.

4. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.

5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.

6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

9. The Tickling Babysitter

10. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.

11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

13. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.

14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

15. David Duke's World of Imagination.

16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

18. Legends of Scab Football.

19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.

20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

21. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't
Remember the Endings to All of them.

22. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse.

23. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

24. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

25. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

26. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

27. Dad's New Wife Timothy

28. Pop! Goes The Hamster ...And Other Great Microwave Games

29. Maybe Dick

30. The Boy Who Ate Spinach ...And Lived To Tell About It

31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

32. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag

33. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets

34. Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty

35. The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes

36. Those Great Childhood Fragrances... Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:06 PM

Computer Lies

1. If you have any problems, just call us.

2. What you see on the screen, you get on paper.

3. Someone must have erased my program.

4. They don't make those chips anymore.

5. If kids use them, so can adults.

6. Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything.

7. You won't need any special training.

8. There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong.

9. The manual explains everything.

----------------

Cool Things to Do in a Shower Stall

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,
exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes
get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt
tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of
the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full
force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your
shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim
"Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the
blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then
return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next
stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will
cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the
bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks
in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to
knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had
some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your
stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person
showering.

10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the
duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.

11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone
entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm",
making the sound of their animal in the stall.

12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the
Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas,
and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.

13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

----------------

Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"

3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"

7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
"tsk, tsk".

8. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.

10. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.

12. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.

13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."

15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.

18. Address students as "worm".

19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
moment.

20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,
and begin singing spirituals.

21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.

23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks
a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
sentence and proceed normally.

26. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your
hands.

27. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

28. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

30. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.

31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question,
walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.

35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.

39. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".

40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.

43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I
picked up in the field".

48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,
"Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

49. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday
was the last day to drop.

50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:11 PM

FDA Beer Warnings

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering,
when you are not.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at 4am.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to
your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
members of the opposite sex.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on
the forehead.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named BO.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

15. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

----------------------

Inappropriate Christmas Gift Ideas

1. Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm

2. A Pee Wee Herman pull toy

3. The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back.
Teaches children about warranties

4. ,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play
a larger version of their favorite game

5. The "Learn about puberty chia pet"

6. Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees,
low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint,
clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

7. The laff-o-minit jajic spellin' tootor

8. Doggie dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

9. Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.

10. Water retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.

11. Advanced play medical kit -- includes colonoscope and speculum.

12. Chocolate covered lead soldiers.

13. Bungeroo -- kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.

14. Islamic strip poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand.

-------------

Nightmare Final Exam Questions

1. Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using
this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this
exam for you.

2. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the
present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,
religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and
Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.

3. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and
given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system
has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the
problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

4. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't
suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

5. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are
storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.

6. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with
special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English
parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

7. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and
building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build
a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform
are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

8. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a
clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

9. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and
Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary totranslate.

10. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at
your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are
two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the
wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as
soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We
feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

11. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be
associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.

12. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal
tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.

13. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have
done to prevent the Great Depression.

14. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a
straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations
had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

15. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.

16. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

17. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should
be true to life.

18. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

19. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the nature of life after death.
Test your hypothesis.

20. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

21. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.

22. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

--------------------------

Obvious Headlines

1. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995

2. Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

3. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22

4. Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2

5. 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30

6. Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18

7. Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22

8. Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

9. Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

10. Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11

11. Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3

12. Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

13. Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10

14. Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2

15. Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28

16. Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26

17. Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

18. Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25

19. Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

20. Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994

21. Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6

22. Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5

23. Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20

24. Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2

25. Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16

26. How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5

27. Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:15 PM

Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru

1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.

7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational
A: So what’s your question?

8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

--------------

Proper Care of Floppies

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk
and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up
and stored in pencil holders.

2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and
soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow
the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes
may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the
surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine.
If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes
together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be
recorded on both diskettes.

6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the
red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable
text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a
"hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably
need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive.

7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk
from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data
enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the
openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the
disk.

9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have
been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before
inserting into drive. (see item #2 above.)

10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is
much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data
from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades
and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron
microscope.

11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from
spreading.

----------------------

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa

1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".

2. The cushions begin crawling away.

3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud"
bumper sticker.

4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.

5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.

6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged
several miles on its side.

7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.

8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.

9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".

10. It has its own nickname.

11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.

12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the
local paper.

13. Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest
with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun.

14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.

15. It seems to generate its own heat.

16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.

17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.

18. It growls when you sit on it.

19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.

20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden
hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad
crossing.

21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.

22. There's a coin slot on the armrest.

23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".

24. The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.

25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.

26. You hear scampering noises inside.

27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin

28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a '72 Dodge

--------------

Stupid Things Said by Dan Quayle

1. If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, March 1990

2. Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
Hawaii, September 1989

3. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

4. What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund

5. You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"

6. We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of
human rights.

7. El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many
voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I
have heard a single voice.

8. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.

9. I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.

10. getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise
precision.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
work dealing with cruise missiles

11. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

12. I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future.

13. I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.

14. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

15. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.

16. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.

17. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.

18. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

19. The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times,
and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I
have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused,
then said) Would you like a puppy?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89)

20. In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois
(LA Times 10/19/88)

21. I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

22. My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will,
never, never surrender to what is right.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech
to the Christian Coalition

23. We are leaders of the world of the space program. We have been the
leaders of the world of our... of the space program and we're not going
to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding the Soviet Union's
demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now have independent
republics which used to be called the Soviet Union. Space is the next
frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore. Think of all the
things we rely upon in space today: communications from... Japan,
detection of potential ballistic missle attacks. Ballistic missiles are
still here. Other nations do have ballistic missles. How do you think we
were able to detect some of the Scud missles and things like that?
Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We use
space a lot today.

24. Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent,
in-depth analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF
Chronicle)

25. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

26. Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing
our women.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast
cancer

27. I deserve respect for the things I did not do.

28. I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election
year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is
the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years,
I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will
be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that.
-- Senator Dan Quayle

29. This president is going to lead us out of this recovery.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in
California and and then at CA State University,
Fresno (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992)

30. We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur

31. For NASA, space is still a high priority.

32. [The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of
aggression.

33. The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.

34. The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East
and the Far East from encroaching on each other.

35. Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax
increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled.

36. People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own
hometowns.

37. Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other
way around. They never vote for us.

38. Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money
to cover losses due to mismanagement.

39. Air travel efficiency would improve if more travelers started going to
less popular places.

---------------

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:20 PM

Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. Twenty four hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.

11. When you can focus better with one eye closed

12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't
really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.

16. You fall off the floor.

17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.

18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."

20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.

23. George W. Bush starts to make sense.

24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?

25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.

26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

29. When vomiting becomes a relief.

30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall

31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.

32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!

33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.

35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...

38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem

39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

40. Take me drunk, I'm home!

41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!

42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.

43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

44. Roseanne looks good.

45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

46. You drink to get over a hangover.

47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.

49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.

50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.

52. I'm as jober as a sudge!

53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!

54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.

55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

56. Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.

57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the
last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!

58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.

59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
Fourth of July party in Waikiki.

60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.

61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.

62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!)

63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.

64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.

66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.

67. Do you take this woman.....

68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.

69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.

70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.

71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.

72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.

73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...

74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.

75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.

76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!

77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.

78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.

79. You like SPAM.

80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.

81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.

82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender.

83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.

-----------------------

Stupid Questions

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?

2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

5. Why is a boxing ring square?

6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the
volume on the radio?

12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

16. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

17. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

18. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't
they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

20. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

21. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

----------

Things NOT to Say on Dates for Guys

1. "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"

2. "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

3. "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin."

4. "I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

5. "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."

6. "I used to come here all the time with my ex."

7. "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

8. "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour."

9. "I like clay. It's mushy."

10. "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't
have given someone like you a second look."

11. "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

12. "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

13. "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am."

14. "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the
ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."

---------------------

Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects

1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in
sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to
do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that
skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger
to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus
thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!

3. Snagglepuss
Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is
suspicious.

4. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER
OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his
castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the
shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"?

5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back
to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a
look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that.....

6. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him
an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when
he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they
are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra
scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

8. Daffy Duck
If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he
bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the
time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't
work for him.

9. Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the
boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the
Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per
episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way
him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

--------------

Things You Learn From Video Games

1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.

2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.

3. If it moves, KILL IT!

4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.

5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys."
A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then
against a "boss" in one on one combat.

6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'.

7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.

8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.

9. Cybernetics are our friends.

10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.

11. If someone dies, they disappear.

12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.

13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.

14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.

15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.

16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much
right to be loved as heroic fighters.

17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.

18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.

19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.

20. Death is reversible (but only for you!)

21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.

22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing
red or yellow.

23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are
completely invincible for a short time.

24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.

25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have
great bodies.

26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.

27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no
reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and
defeat them with it.

28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it
doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.

29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!

30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a
near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain
number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat
the crap out of you.

31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.

32. A hundred-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.

33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.

34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and
explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:25 PM

Top Reasons God Created Eve

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for
directions.

2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would
therefore need Eve to get one for him.

4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle
childbearing.

7. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and
said, "I can do better than that."

--------------------

Unlikely Barney Episodes

1. "BARNEY GETS A BONER"

2. "BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA"

3. "BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD"

4. "BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS"

5. "JURASSIC BARNEY"

6. "BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN"

7. "BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS"

8. "BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER"

9. "BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG"

10. "PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO"

11. "BOPPING BABY BOP"

12. "BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS"

13. "BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET"

14. "BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA"

15. "BARNEY ON A BENDER"

16. "BARNEY HAS NEEDS..."

17. "BARNEY AT BETTY FORD"

18. "BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS"

19. "BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE"

20. "BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL"

21. "BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE"

----------------------

Variations On Murphy's Law

1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the
tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.

10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work
in the past tense.

11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who
knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.

15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.

17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.

18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
along would have destroyed civilization.

---------------

Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex

1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again.

3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

4. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

5. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else because you
are.

6. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

7. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

9. Less guilt the morning after.

10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

--------------------

Ways to be obnoxious on Usenet

1. Post a message asking how to post messages.

2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly
names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.

3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP
key, and your home phone in your signature.

4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in follow-ups.

5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.

6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago
with a title such as *** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***

7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to
news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.

8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.

9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune
for a poll.

10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.

11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet
have its own sex group.

12. Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.

13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.

14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).

15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of
roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex
service or PorqWhiffe pheramone cologne.

16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing
how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have
implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.

17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster,
and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.

18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.

19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.

20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable
interchange of provocative ideas.

21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.

22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular
address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to
send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy
Crawford.

23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word
imbecile in your follow-up flames.

24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.

25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.

---------------------

Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of People in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait
5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"O pleaseo pleaseo pleaseo please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain
loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

-----------------

Ways to Get Rid of Your Blind Date

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches
for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high
school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than
they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in
the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the
subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can
keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't
bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food,
hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato
you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you,
have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and
use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or
just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist
that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them
around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home
to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than
actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and
fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar
vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make
sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:30 PM

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

----------------------------

Why Coffee is Better the Women

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn't complain when you've put whipped cream in it.

3. Coffee looks better in the morning.

4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it will be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or a small cup? It doesn't matter.

26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee smells good when it's cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

32. Coffee doesn't shed.

33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.

38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of
your throat.

40. Coffee doesn't take up half of your bed.

41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

42. INSTANT COFFEE!!

43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

44. It takes up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

--------------------------

Why the Internet is Like a Penis

1. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it
difficult to get any real work done.

2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.

3. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

4. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.

5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.

8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"

10. Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.

11. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

---------

Woman-Speak Translator

1. "We need" I want

2. "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house

3. "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ...

4. "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color

5. "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items

6. "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook?

7. "Does this dress look OK?" I need a new wardrobe

8. "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out?

9. "You're so attentive tonite" Is sex all you ever think about?

10. "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac

11. "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac

12. "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac

13. "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you sex maniac

14. "Won't you be late for work?" Get away from me, you sex maniac

15. "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today

16. "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer?

17. "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower

18. "You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant

19. "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob

20. "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear

21. "I'm not upset!" Of course I'm upset, you moron

22. "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot

23. "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid

24. "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid

25. "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid

26. "No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!

27. "I'm sorry" You'll be sorry

28. "Do you forgive me?" You'll be sorry

29. "Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry

30. "Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry

31. "Well, I had a headache" You'll be sorry

32. "Do what you want" You'll pay for this later, big time

33. "Do what you think best" You'll pay for this later, big time

34. "You know more about it" You'll pay for this later, big time

35. "As I recall, it was your idea" You'll pay for this later, big time

36. "Yes, I've calmed down" You'll pay for this later, big time

37. "I realize it was my fault sweetheart" You ain't seen nothing yet!

38. "It's your decision" The correct decision is obvious

39. "Sure... go ahead" Don't you dare, you clown

40. You like this recipe? It's easy to fix

41. "Do you want to eat out?" I forgot to go grocery shopping

42. "What do you want for dinner?" I don't feel like cooking

43. "You seen that new restaurant?" I don't feel like cooking

44. "It's your Mother's recipe" You'd better damn sight eat that

45. "You liked that the last time" You'd better damn sight eat that

46. "Don't want to talk yet" Go away, I'm building up steam

47. "Just need some time to think" Go away, I'm building up steam

48. "We need to talk" I need to complain

49. "Learn to communicate" Just agree with me

50. "I am not yelling!" This is important, you idiot!

51. "Are you listening to me???" [Too late, you're dead]

52. "Our anniversary's coming up" When I think of the guys I could've married

53. "The kids were so bad today" Your gene pool needs more chlorine

-------------

Women keywords and their meaning

1. FINE

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.

2. FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I
feel that it's an even trade.

3. NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8. OH

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that
she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not
expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence
usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get
out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

10. PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

11. THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

12. THANKS A LOT

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

-------------

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 4, 2003, 07:44 PM

You know you're no longer a kid when...

1. Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.

2. Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

3. The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

4. Being bad is no longer cool.

5. You have friends who have kids.

6. Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

7. You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

8. Your parents' jokes are now funny.

9. You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"

10. You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.

11. Two words: parachute pants

12. Naps are good.

13. Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

14. You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".

15. When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

16. You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

17. You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

18. You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.

19. You've bought an album on vinyl.

20. You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.

21. You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience
store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the
bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

-----------------

You Know You Play Too Much Quake, When...

1. You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left.

2. You try to pull out your BFG9000 after someone cuts you
off on your way to work...

3. You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them...

4. You eat the blue and green balls off the christmas tree

5. You feel lousy and look down for the status bar

6. You grab your kid's backpack and can't believe its empty!?

7. Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too
close to the recycle barrel.

8. The only way your wife can get your attention is to throw tomatoes at you.

9. Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key.

10. Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys!

11. You know for sure you've played to much when you try to look
around the edges of your screen for the cyberdemon that got away.

12. You back-up your Quake files daily.

13. You try to double click on every door in the house.

14. You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed.

15. Your seat cushion doesn't return to normal upright position.

16. You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween
(and your friends still know who you are).

17. You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that
direction before you stand up.

18. You won't go into rooms with a red carpet.....

19. You expect every door to open up not in. (this can be quite painful sometimes)

20. You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot your mailman.

21. When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo.

22. Going to sleep you open the bedroom's door and instead of turning
lights on, you fire a missile into the room.

23. Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly
to see what follows you out.

24. You don't worry so much about getting hurt, since you'll probably
pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere.

25. Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.

26. You start side-stepping into rooms.

27. You push on walls, as you walk down the hall looking for secret entrances.

28. You reach for your chainsaw when your wife's cold gives her the sniffles.

29. You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work.

30. You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.

31. You can't stop squinting as you walk around your house.

32. You think you can actually walk through walls.

33. The border and status area are burned into your monitor.

34. You know ALL the ID codes by heart.

35. You find jokes about playing too much Quake funny.

-----------------------

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question
to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.
The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask
and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked
what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told
her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her
driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

------------------

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

---------------------

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

---------------------------

Kgentatszu] · Aug 5, 2003, 01:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Maxxypoos
here's one, give it a go.........."the seven dwarfs (from snow white) are watching her (snow white) bathing in the river" what kind of advertisement are they making????

Hehee, its pretty easy though, just think logically, the answer is....----------> 7UP~LOL

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 7, 2003, 07:22 AM

The Shit List

An alphabetical listing of the shit we put up with every day.
Personal Favorites

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE ALIEN SHIT
Green. 'Nuff said.

THE ANDREW SHIT
Like an old friend named Andrew, this one just never quite goes away. Apparently it considers itself special. Bring a book, cuz this one is NEVER finished. -anonymous

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE BATHTUB SHIT
You thought you were making bubbles, but much to your suprise .....

THE BOMBSHELL SHIT
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE BORN AGAIN SHIT
After taking this load off, you feel like a new man (or woman).

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE BUDDHIST SHIT
The one that requires an hour of meditation.

THE BULLSHIT
The kind of shit that you get from eatting lunch with your boss.-

THE CLAY SHIT
The shit that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of your sphyncter that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to mold it into the right shape to get rid of it.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE COLLEGE STUDENT THAT COMES HOME FOR THANKSGIVING SHIT
The most solid shit the student has had since going to college.

THE CONTEMPLATED SHIT
Does a shit in the toilet make a plop when there is no one around to hear it?

THE CORN SHIT
Self-explanatory.

THE CRACKER SHIT
The shit that resembles that cracker you had a few minutes ago. -

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE DANGER SHIT
The one where you have to evacuate the country until the smell goes down.

THE DEAD WEIGHT SHIT
The kind where when your done you feal 10 pounds lighter.

THE DIETICIAN'S DELIGHT SHIT
Shit that both sinks and floats in your toilet, proving to anyone who cares that you had eaten a proper diet. -

THE DINGLEBERRY SHIT
This is a living shit. After a well taken shit (often "Rabbit" shit), you flush. However the "dingleberry" never goes down. It sits at the bottom looking up at you. Often you leave before you see it. The next person usually finds another stall because they are afraid of the dingleberry, as if the dingleberry is saying, "Go away. Get the hell out of here. This is my home." -Kevin Bell

THE DISOLVING SHIT
The shit that came out solid but them disperses and turns the water all murky brown.

THE ELASTIC SHIT
This shit comes out, goes into the can, then feels like it's back in your ass again.

THE ENERGIZER SHIT
It keeps going and going and going and going...

THE EXPANDO SHIT
This shit feels small coming out, but blows up like a balloon as soon as it hits unpressurized space.

THE EXPLOSIVE SHIT
It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you think you are going to shoot off the toilet bowl through the ceiling.

THE FART SUPRISE SHIT
When you go in and sit on the toilet fart once and your empty. When you get up the toilet is full. -

THE FIRE IN THE BOWL SHIT
The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

THE FLAMING SHIT
These are shits you get from drinking cheap swill.

THE FLOATER SHIT
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT
You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50 miles, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl.

THE FOUNTAIN SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast and furious (like a fountain sprinkler) as to cause the foul toilet water to splash up on your buttocks. Which, in turn, makes you feel unfresh the rest of the day. -

THE FOREST SHIT
The one that only hits you when you're six miles into the woods.

THE GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE GROANER SHIT
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE GUM-BALL SHIT
This is characterized by small, pink (..green, white or blue..) spots that result from swallowing your gum. You always want to tell somebody about it. -

THE HEY LUCY, I'M HOME SHIT
You flush the toilet, it all dissapears, but a second later, one floats back.

THE HONEYMOON'S OVER SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE HYPNOTIC SHIT
Shit where you finish, look at it, and it's so beautiful, all you can do is just stare at it in wonder and delight.

THE I HAVEN'T SHIT IN A WEEK SHIT
On the verge of using an eniema, you know you have to go, or else...

THE I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE I KNOW IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE SHIT
Kinda the same as the "It's too late now shit," except the victim can be heard screaming, "Get out here right now! I know you're in there! Stop hiding! Don't make me come in after you!"

THE I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER SHIT
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE IT'S TOO LATE NOW SHIT
After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing comes out. You know it's still in there, though... Needless to say, very frusterating (and uncomfortable).

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)

THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MAGIC SHIT
Possibly the most perfect poopie. It is like the "Clean" shit in that you don't have to wipe, but like the "Ghost" shit it dissapears. You do feel very relieved like you have done a good job.-

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE MY INTESTINES ARE IN THE TOILET SHIT
This shit hurts so bad coming out that it makes you feel like you have nothing inside you anymore. When you look in the toilet it looks like your intestines

THE NEVER ENDING SHIT
The shit that keeps coming out with no end and even when you think you are finished, it is still there, hanging out of your butt.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE OH-SHIT SHIT
Like the Wet Shit in that you wipe 50 times before you are satisfied, but like the Second Wave Shit because after you clog up your toilet you have to go again.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE ORGASMIC SHIT
It feels like all your troubles are over once you've finished this shit. Its orgasmic, once you have finished it you jump up and down for joy.

THE PEANUT SHIT
Peanuts in your turds, left over from the plane.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PISSING OUT OF YOUR BUTT SHIT
Feels like your pissing out of your butt.

THE POLITICALLY CORRECT SHIT
Shit that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks, and doesn't smell.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

THE PRESSURIZED SHIT
The shit that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going on. Then after it is finished coming out you let out a big fart that was behind it pushing it out.

THE PUBLIC SHIT
The only time you make a lot of foul noises is when there are lots of people around to hear it. -

THE RANGER SHIT
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE RAWHIDE SHIT
Shit you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it comes out with very leathery texture. -

THE RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE SHIT
You know, the kind that comes out looking like the elephant man...And makes you feel like you passed one (an elephant that is).

THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT
This is when you strain so hard you lose thirty pounds in the process.

THE RITUAL SHIT
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE RUDE SHIT
This shit makes a plea for help like it is drowning. It makes a loud noise that will be heard two to three blocks down. Very embarassing.

THE SALSA SHIT
Burns bad before, during, and after.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

THE SHIT THAT YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU ATE THE LAST 24 HOURS
This shit usually occurs after you have eaten too many grapes or too much fruit. It is very runny and when you look in the toilet after you are done you can see all of little food particles floating around in the toilet.

THE SILLY STRING SHIT
A thin shit that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous, unbroken link. Generally will leave it's mark after flushing. You have the urge to call someone to come and look.

THE SINKER SHIT
Shit that sinks like lead to the bottom of the toilet, like rocks thrown in a pond.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE SPRAY PAINTER SHIT
This one leaves every square inch of the bowl, under the seat, and your ass covered in shit. -Robert Ponzi

THE STAR WARS SHIT
The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers.

THE SUPERMAN SHIT
Comes out of your ass faster than a speeding bullet.
THE TURBO-CHARGER SHIT
You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind.

THE UPPER CLASS SHIT
This is the poopie that doesn't stink. -

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE WHAMMO SHIT
The shit that went through your system like a slip-n'-slide.

THE WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE? SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE GHOST SHIT - That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
THE CLEAN SHIT - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT - It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more.

BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT OR POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT - The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

THE ICEBERG SHIT - The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it stick s above the water.

The_Neon_Cowboy · Aug 7, 2003, 07:22 AM

THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.

THE CORN SHIT - Self-explanatory.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT - The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.

THE DRINKER'S SHIT - That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet.

THE GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT - It's the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT - That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

THE WET CHEECKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP - That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE QUID SHIT - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - A class all its own.

THE OTTOMAS SHIT - The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years.)

kinetic · Aug 15, 2003, 12:25 PM

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

P.S. I've stickied this thread, hopefully to prevent loads of joke threads!

peterosesbookie · Aug 17, 2003, 01:38 AM

A Greene County Deputy pulled a car over on I-65 about 52 miles north of the
Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding,
the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and he was on his way
to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some
flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them
and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad
car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly; he then went
over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in
hell I can pass that test!"

peterosesbookie · Aug 17, 2003, 01:39 AM

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened
from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here
in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think
you're dead?"

"Because I woke up this morning and NOTHING HURTS."

peterosesbookie · Aug 17, 2003, 01:40 AM

You've heard some of these before, but I still got a chuckle from some of them.

Wise Words

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "Terminal"?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy
for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Seems to me that having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section
in a swimming pool!

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up,
you don't know where it's been!"

peterosesbookie · Aug 17, 2003, 01:41 AM

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have.

I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.

She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I
ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well.

I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all
of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Mac Daddy · Aug 17, 2003, 06:51 AM

Where ya been baby ??????

Falstaff · Aug 17, 2003, 04:20 PM

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from
the male side. These are 'OUR' rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
-----------------------------------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do
not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

kinetic · Aug 18, 2003, 12:56 PM

A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

jkayca2 · Aug 18, 2003, 02:42 PM

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

**MIG-31** · Aug 18, 2003, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jkayca2
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

classic

Aug 2, 2003, 09:23 AM	#301
Mac Daddy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,950 Rep Power: 64 System Specs	300 posts !!!!!!!!!!!!! This makes 300 posts to the Joke thread ... great job everybody !!!!!!!!!!!!! __________________ "My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance." - Tim Allen

Aug 4, 2003, 06:51 PM	#307
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	time for another barrage ................ hold on to your hats boys and girls your in for a ride..... Amusing Irrelevant Facts 1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards. 2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred. 3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland. 4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo. 5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time areteenagers. 6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI. 7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory. 8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded. 9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. 10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it. 11. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls. 12. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather. 13. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out. 14. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size. 15. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock. 16. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City. 17. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods. 18. Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal. 19. ,200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974. 20. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot. 21. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. 22. In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking. 23. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows. 24. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald. 25. An average person laughs about 15 times a day. 26. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. 27. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. 28. The average human has seven sex fantasies in a day. 29. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million. 30. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. 31. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. 32. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s. 33. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000B.C. 34. Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph. 35. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. 36. % of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else. 37. When he's feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the female's nose with his teeth. 38. In 1681, the last dodo bird died. 39. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee. 40. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. 41. An Indian woman can legally wed a goat. 42. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 43. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. 44. Howdy Doody had 48 freckles. 45. What color was Christopher Columbus's hair? Blonde. 46. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan. 47. The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi in 1981. 48. Every person has a unique tongue print. 49. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. 50. Women's hearts beat faster than men's. 51. When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit. 52. Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets. 53. Bubble gum contains rubber. 54. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. 55. In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed." 56. Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. 57. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello. 58. The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs. 59. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks. 60. Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages. 61. Most American car horns honk in the key of F. 62. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people. 63. Women are 37% more likely to go to a psychiatrist than men are. [Well, duh, why do you think they go? The men drive them crazy!] 64. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. 65. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills. 66. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. 67. About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.] 68. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas. 69. An estimated 6,000 American teenagers lose their virginity every day. 70. Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot. 71. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze. 72. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. 73. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991. 74. Elvis's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis." 75. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific. 76. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. [And most of them are in Parma!] 77. Most lipstick contains fish scales. 78. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992. 79. Mosquitos have teeth. 80. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray. 81. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. 82. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. 83. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food. 84. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music. 85. Captain Kangaroo won five Emmy awards. 86. % of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell." 87. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. 88. An estimated one in five Americans - some 38 million - don't like sex. 89. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement." 90. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. 91. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 06:55 PM	#308
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Astrological Signs Like You have Never Seen them 1. Taurus (April 21-May 21) These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole in my pants." But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him. He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore, and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's business is done with Tauruses. A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or "Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts. Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex. In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged love life. Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn, Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms, Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis. 2. Gemini (May 22-June 21) Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then go do something absolutely different, they are not being two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle of Gemini. This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by, and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie! ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers, "Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my life I wished I was a lesbian!" Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught." Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls all over them drooling, she'll forget she was ever remotely interested. Bitch. However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar. Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts, even when neither of their parents have sisters. Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young. 3. Cancer (June 22-July 23) This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac. Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late at the office to earn more bread for the family home. Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married. But who's counting? Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented to describe a Cancer's honeymoon. While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably a Cancer. Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway, Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland, Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton. 4. Leo (July 24-August 23) With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic, which helps a lot in the free fuck department. However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses. An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up. But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant, someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on. On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac. Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous. The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and "I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases to save for Leos. Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude Debussy. 5. Virgo (August 24-September 23) A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched. A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first. People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming, and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding their emotions. Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers, if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after. And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye. Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery, Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch. 6. Libra (September 24-October 23) Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery, but only for a couple of seconds at a time. Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it. Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash. Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always Libras. These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages. Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a well-behaved lover. Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury, Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes. 7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22) Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys". Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at 30 paces. Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc. They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age, they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy. Charles Manson is a Scorpio. Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers, Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn, & about 1/12th of the rest of the human race. Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally. Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds. 8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21) Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating. A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get married, and married, and married, and never get carried away. They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it. A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way. Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the leader of the PLO. Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas, Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott, Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams. 9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20) Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality, hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which, Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they really only have 3. Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class. These are the true snots of the world. But they make good supportive wives....especially the men. Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even. They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end up with a pussy full of cocksicle. Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens. Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich, Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis Joplin and Elvis Presley. 10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19) Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids. Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility. Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented by Aquarians. Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the "pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em! Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months. It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session lasts. On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless, slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass them on. Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John Barrymore, Cahrles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll and Robert Burns. 11. Pisces (February 20-March 20) These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for the rest of us. The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem. There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans. Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen, Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev, Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow, Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso. __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 06:58 PM	#309
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	12. Aries (March 21-April 20) Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it by the numbers. Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times. The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is not a long leap for an Aries. Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar Sharif, Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds. --------------------------------------- Life in the Middle Ages 1. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. 2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." 3. Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." 4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. 5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." 6. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold." 7. In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." 8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat." 9. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. 10. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust." 11. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake." 12. England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." ----------------- Zen Thoughts 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... Then things get worse. 25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. 29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short memory. -------------------- Easy Training Courses for Women 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:01 PM	#310
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Bart Simpson Chalkboard Sayings 1. I will not waste chalk 2. I will not skateboard in the halls 3. I will not burp in class 4. I will not instigate revolution 5. I will not draw naked ladies in class 6. I did not see Elvis 7. I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes' 8. Garlic gum is not funny 9. They are laughing at me, not with me 10. I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom 11. I will not encourage others to fly 12. I will not fake my way through life 13. Tar is not a plaything 14. I will not Xerox my butt 15. I will not trade pants with others 16. I will not do that thing with my tongue 17. I will not drive the principal's car 18. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart 19. I will not sell school property 20. I will not cut corners 21. I will not get very far with this attitude 22. I will not make flatulent noises in class 23. I will not belch the National Anthem 24. I will not sell land in Florida 25. I will not grease the monkey bars 26. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment 27. I will not do anything bad ever again 28. I will not show off {The board was written in an Old English font} --------------- Bathroom Sayings 1. Here I sit, in the hall of vapors. Some darn fool done stole the papers. The bell has rung I must not linger. Look out ass here comes my finger. (Variation) Here I sit in deadly vapor, Wishing for some toilet paper. How long, I wonder, must I linger, Before I'm forced to use my finger? (Variation) Here I sit In the halls of Vapor. Some darn fool Done stole the Paper (Variation) Here I sit, In the vapor. Last guy in, Used all the paper! 2. Found printed on a condom machine. "This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!" 3. Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom: "My wife follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not." 4. Those who write on bathroom walls, Roll their shit in little balls. And you who read these words of wit, Eat those little balls of shit. 5. Here I sit, broken hearted Came to shit and only farted. Wasted a dime, but what the hell, At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell. (Variation) Here I sit, broken hearted, Paid a dime and only farted. The next time I took a chance, Saved a dime and shit my pants. (Variation) Here I sit lonely hearted, Tried to shit, but only farted. Back at my desk I take a chance, Tried to fart, but shit my pants. 6. Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern. "For a full refund, please deposit baby here!" 7. Be like Pop, Not like Sis. Lift the lid, Before you Piss! 8. Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink. I come here to scratch my balls, And read the writing on the walls. (Variation) Some come here to sit and think And write upon the wall. I come here to shit and stink And scratch my hairy balls. 9. What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom? The candy man can. 10. Women's bathroom: "We aim to please, Men claim to please." 11. One over a Urinal: "We aim to please. You AIM TOO, PLEASE!" 12. (in a large nasty scrawl) "I fucked your mother!" (below it in smaller more precise script) "Go home Dad, you're drunk!" ------------------------------------------ Brand Name Condoms and Their Slogans 1. Nike Condoms: Just do it. 2. Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more? 3. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. 4. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. 5. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. 6. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. 7. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. 8. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Point and Shoot! 9. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately? 10. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock. 11. Jeep-Eagle Condom: There's Only One Jeep (sold in singles only) 12. The Saturn Condom: A Different Kind of Condom 13. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? 14. NY Lotto Condoms: 'Cause, hey -- you never know. 15. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. 16. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ... 17. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. 18. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. 19. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it. 20. Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one. 21. Bud-Lite Condom: Where's the Love Man! 22. Honda Motorcycle Condom: Come Ride With Us 23. SEVEN-UP Condom: The UN-Condom 24. Iomega Condom: For All Your Stuff 25. Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? We are universally compatible. -------------------- Cartoon Laws of Physics 1. Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. 2. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. 3. Cartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming exactly to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction. 4. Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. 5. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 6. Cartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 7. Cartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. 8. Cartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. 9. Cartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil. -------------- Children Books Not recommended by the National Library Association 1. Bob the Germ's Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System. 2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians. 3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge. 4. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures. 5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'. 6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep. 7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose. 8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad. 9. The Tickling Babysitter 10. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides. 11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories. 12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle. 13. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano. 14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear. 15. David Duke's World of Imagination. 16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence. 17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables. 18. Legends of Scab Football. 19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina. 20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer. 21. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them. 22. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse. 23. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy. 24. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will. 25. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on. 26. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead. 27. Dad's New Wife Timothy 28. Pop! Goes The Hamster ...And Other Great Microwave Games 29. Maybe Dick 30. The Boy Who Ate Spinach ...And Lived To Tell About It 31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School 32. Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag 33. Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets 34. Egghead - And Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty 35. The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes 36. Those Great Childhood Fragrances... Apple Pie, Cotton Candy And Bicycle Seats __________________

Aug 2, 2003, 01:04 PM	#302
kinetic DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Manchester England Posts: 2,559 Rep Power: 0	USEFUL ARAB PHRASES AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN: Thank you for showing me your marvellous gun. FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR: I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE: I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST: it is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN: if you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY: I will tell you the names and address of many American spies travelling as reporters. BALLI, BALLI, BALLI,: whatever you say !! MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH GHORBAN: the red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency. TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST NO BEGERAM: the water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you, I must have the recipe.

Aug 3, 2003, 02:13 AM	#303
Kgentatszu] DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 1,802 Rep Power: 0	here's one, give it a go.........."the seven dwarfs (from snow white) are watching her (snow white) bathing in the river" what kind of advertisement are they making????

Aug 3, 2003, 12:19 PM	#305
Kgentatszu] DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Australia Posts: 1,802 Rep Power: 0	~LOL, come'on guys anyone?? i'm sure someone has heard this before.........~LOL, come'on kinetic give it a go...

Aug 3, 2003, 11:12 PM	#306
jkayca2 DriverHeaven Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 379 Rep Power: 0	Can't answe Maxxypoos joke but here's another Snow White joke... Why is Snow White always getting mad at the seven dwarves? Because of the way they always greet her, "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho...

Aug 4, 2003, 07:06 PM	#311
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Computer Lies 1. If you have any problems, just call us. 2. What you see on the screen, you get on paper. 3. Someone must have erased my program. 4. They don't make those chips anymore. 5. If kids use them, so can adults. 6. Oh yeah, it's compatible with everything. 7. You won't need any special training. 8. There's no harm in trying - nothing can go wrong. 9. The manual explains everything. ---------------- Cool Things to Do in a Shower Stall 1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!" 2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over. 3. Ask Scottie to beam you up. 4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower. 5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see. 6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All." 7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it. 8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach. 9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering. 10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground. 11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall. 12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded. 13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving. 14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement. ---------------- Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises. 2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!" 3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. 4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" 5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask me, Winky Willy". 6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?" 7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk". 8. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". 9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat. 10. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. 11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it. 12. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board. 13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions. 14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine." 15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer. 16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz. 17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth. 18. Address students as "worm". 19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment. 20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals. 21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch. 22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number. 23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done. 24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. 25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally. 26. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands. 27. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. 28. Growl constantly and address students as "matey". 29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove". 30. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects. 31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. 32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?" 33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles". 34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals. 35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. 36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture. 37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside. 38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes. 39. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk". 40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style. 41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene. 42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class. 43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book. 44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. 45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams. 46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class. 47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field". 48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!" 49. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop. 50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it. 51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:11 PM	#312
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	FDA Beer Warnings 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering, when you are not. 2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4am. 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named BO. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. 15. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. ---------------------- Inappropriate Christmas Gift Ideas 1. Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm 2. A Pee Wee Herman pull toy 3. The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties 4. ,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game 5. The "Learn about puberty chia pet" 6. Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches. 7. The laff-o-minit jajic spellin' tootor 8. Doggie dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch. 9. Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool. 10. Water retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar. 11. Advanced play medical kit -- includes colonoscope and speculum. 12. Chocolate covered lead soldiers. 13. Bungeroo -- kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms. 14. Islamic strip poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand. ------------- Nightmare Final Exam Questions 1. Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you. 2. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific. 3. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down. 4. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes. 5. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek. 6. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis. 7. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid. 8. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. 9. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary totranslate. 10. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.) 11. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. 12. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions. 13. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression. 14. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s. 15. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. 16. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged. 17. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life. 18. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. 19. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis. 20. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. 21. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific. 22. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples. -------------------------- Obvious Headlines 1. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995 2. Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown. 3. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22 4. Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2 5. 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30 6. Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18 7. Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22 8. Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts 9. Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24 10. Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11 11. Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3 12. Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30 13. Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10 14. Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2 15. Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28 16. Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26 17. Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26 18. Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25 19. Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8 20. Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994 21. Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6 22. Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5 23. Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20 24. Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2 25. Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 26. How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 27. Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29 __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:15 PM	#313
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru 1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. 2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. 3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. 4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. 5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. 6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Cause you're fatter than they are. 7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational A: So what’s your question? 8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him). 9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. 10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. 12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. 13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy 14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. 15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. 16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. -------------- Proper Care of Floppies 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive. (see item #2 above.) 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. ---------------------- Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa 1. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence". 2. The cushions begin crawling away. 3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker. 4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver. 5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving. 6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side. 7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently. 8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself. 9. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission". 10. It has its own nickname. 11. More than a dozen people know its nickname. 12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper. 13. Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun. 14. There are mushrooms growing on the back. 15. It seems to generate its own heat. 16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes. 17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions. 18. It growls when you sit on it. 19. It has a faint smell of ammonia. 20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing. 21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw. 22. There's a coin slot on the armrest. 23. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step". 24. The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them. 25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color. 26. You hear scampering noises inside. 27. The owner offers to throw in a free: + can of Lysol + can of Raid + flyswatter + flea collar + ant trap + vial of penicillin 28. Under the cushions you find: + half a bottle of ketchup + empty shotgun shells + an entire squirrel skeleton + Jimmy Hoffa's wallet + a glass eye + ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair + used prophylactics + the muffler from a '72 Dodge -------------- Stupid Things Said by Dan Quayle 1. If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 2. Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989 3. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. 4. What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund 5. You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo" 6. We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. 7. El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice. 8. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. 9. I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. 10. getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision. -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missiles 11. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. 12. I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. 13. I was known as the chief grave robber of my state. 14. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. 15. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. 16. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. 17. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. 18. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. 19. The other day [the President] said, I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility. (He paused, then said) Would you like a puppy? -- Vice President Dan Quayle (LA Times 5/21/89) 20. In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get- The Future! -- Vice President Dan Quayle in eastern Illinois (LA Times 10/19/88) 21. I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. 22. My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right. -- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition 23. We are leaders of the world of the space program. We have been the leaders of the world of our... of the space program and we're not going to continue where we're going to go, not withstanding the Soviet Union's demise and collapse - the former Soviet Union - we now have independent republics which used to be called the Soviet Union. Space is the next frontier to be explored. And we're going to explore. Think of all the things we rely upon in space today: communications from... Japan, detection of potential ballistic missle attacks. Ballistic missiles are still here. Other nations do have ballistic missles. How do you think we were able to detect some of the Scud missles and things like that? Space, reconnaissance, weather, communications - you name it. We use space a lot today. 24. Who's responsible for the riots? The rioters! -- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent, in-depth analysis of the LA riots. (Herb Caen, SF Chronicle) 25. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. 26. Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women. -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer 27. I deserve respect for the things I did not do. 28. I feel that this [1981] is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point and that the fourth year is the last chance I'll have to make a record since the last two years, I'll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don't have to do that. -- Senator Dan Quayle 29. This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. -- Vice President Dan Quayle at a campaign stop in California and and then at CA State University, Fresno (The Quayle Quarterly, Spring/Summer 1992) 30. We are ready for any unforseen event that may or may not occur 31. For NASA, space is still a high priority. 32. [The U.S. victory in Gulf war was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression. 33. The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought. 34. The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East and the Far East from encroaching on each other. 35. Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled. 36. People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own hometowns. 37. Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us. 38. Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement. 39. Air travel efficiency would improve if more travelers started going to less popular places. --------------- __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:20 PM	#314
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Signs You Have a Drinking Problem 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8. Twenty four hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! 9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar. 11. When you can focus better with one eye closed 12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar 13. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine. 15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator. 16. You fall off the floor. 17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared. 18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog." 20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore. 22. The glass keeps missing your mouth. 23. George W. Bush starts to make sense. 24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof? 25. Vampires get woozy after bitting you. 26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now. 27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer. 29. When vomiting becomes a relief. 30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall 31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom. 32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny! 33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women. 34. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive. 35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. 36. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs. 37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober... 38. Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem 39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories. 40. Take me drunk, I'm home! 41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem! 42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez. 43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot. 44. Roseanne looks good. 45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle. 46. You drink to get over a hangover. 47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. 48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense. 49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore. 50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. 51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P. 52. I'm as jober as a sudge! 53. You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer! 54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again. 55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you. 56. Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy. 57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC! 58. Your name is Ted Kennedy. 59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki. 60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman. 61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up. 62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!) 63. when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle. 64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar! 65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA. 66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering. 67. Do you take this woman..... 68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list. 69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap. 70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose. 71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it. 72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish. 73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am... 74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group. 75. Your favorite drink is ethanol. 76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! 77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family. 78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM. 79. You like SPAM. 80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem. 81. Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected. 82. I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender. 83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse. ----------------------- Stupid Questions 1. Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin? 2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 3. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 4. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 5. Why is a boxing ring square? 6. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? 7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? 8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? 10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? 11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? 15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 16. Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? 17. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 18. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 19. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 20. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 21. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? ---------- Things NOT to Say on Dates for Guys 1. "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?" 2. "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired." 3. "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin." 4. "I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you." 5. "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell." 6. "I used to come here all the time with my ex." 7. "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it." 8. "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour." 9. "I like clay. It's mushy." 10. "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look." 11. "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest." 12. "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask." 13. "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am." 14. "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast." --------------------- Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects 1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs) Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway? 2. Olive Oyl Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT! 3. Snagglepuss Can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious. 4. He-Man This is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"? 5. Yogi and Boo Boo We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there's anything wrong with that..... 6. Droopy The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder. 7. Dopey Dwarf He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat. 8. Daffy Duck If he isn't using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness" but Haldol wouldn't work for him. 9. Shaggy By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude. -------------- Things You Learn From Video Games 1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence. 2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. 3. If it moves, KILL IT! 4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. 5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys." A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns. B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit. C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then against a "boss" in one on one combat. 6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'. 7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it. 8. You can smash things and get away with it. A. Smashing things doesn't hurt. B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things. 9. Cybernetics are our friends. 10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it. 11. If someone dies, they disappear. 12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets. 13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry. 14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal. 15. If it's on the ground, you should get it. 16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters. 17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure. 18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades. 19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again. 20. Death is reversible (but only for you!) 21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently. 22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow. 23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a short time. 24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down. 25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies. 26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions. 27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it. 28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus. 29. Carpe diem! You only live three times! 30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the crap out of you. 31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents. 32. A hundred-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem. 33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names. 34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place. __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:25 PM	#315
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	Top Reasons God Created Eve 1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!) 3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night. 6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 7. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that." -------------------- Unlikely Barney Episodes 1. "BARNEY GETS A BONER" 2. "BARNEY'S NIGHT WITH MADONNA" 3. "BARNEY, BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD" 4. "BARNEY DOES SNUFFELUPIGUS" 5. "JURASSIC BARNEY" 6. "BARNEY TALKS TO THE AUTHORITIES ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN" 7. "BARNEY GETS THE LAB RESULTS ON THOSE GREEN SPOTS" 8. "BARNEY BUYS A RUBBER" 9. "BARNEY BARBEQUES THE BACKYARD GANG" 10. "PICKING UP THE DINO-DOO" 11. "BOPPING BABY BOP" 12. "BARNEY'S FAVORITE SAILOR SONGS" 13. "BARNEY COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET" 14. "BARNEY MEETS GODZILLA" 15. "BARNEY ON A BENDER" 16. "BARNEY HAS NEEDS..." 17. "BARNEY AT BETTY FORD" 18. "BARNEY ADMITS EATING ALL THE ADULTS" 19. "BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE" 20. "BARNEY BUYS A BLOW-UP DOLL" 21. "BARNEY DOES IT DOGGIE-STYLE" ---------------------- Variations On Murphy's Law 1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist. 2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. 5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. 6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. 8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. 11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. 12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. 13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug. 14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor. 15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. 16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't. 17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. --------------- Top Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex 1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 2. If you get tired, you can wait ten minutes and go at it again. 3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 4. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 5. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else because you are. 6. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 7. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 9. Less guilt the morning after. 10. You can do the WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD! -------------------- Ways to be obnoxious on Usenet 1. Post a message asking how to post messages. 2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. 3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. 4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in follow-ups. 5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats. 6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as * HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? * 7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat. 8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel. 9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll. 10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke. 11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group. 12. Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan. 13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor. 14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20). 15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex service or PorqWhiffe pheramone cologne. 16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals. 17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts. 18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie. 19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature. 20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas. 21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number. 22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford. 23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your follow-up flames. 24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster. 25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates. --------------------- Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of People in the Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "O pleaseo pleaseo pleaseo please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. ----------------- Ways to Get Rid of Your Blind Date 1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11. Order a bucket of lard. 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 19. Drool. 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. 28. Communicate in mime the entire evening. 29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down. 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 35. Auction your date off for silverware. 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. 38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. 40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense). 42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. 44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. 48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. 49. Accuse your date of espionage. __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:30 PM	#316
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. 54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill. ---------------------------- Why Coffee is Better the Women 1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. 2. Coffee doesn't complain when you've put whipped cream in it. 3. Coffee looks better in the morning. 4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. 5. You can always warm coffee up. 6. Coffee comes with endless refills. 7. Coffee is cheaper. 8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. 9. Coffee never runs out. 10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. 11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents. 12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. 13. You can smoke while drinking coffee. 14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee. 15. Coffee smells and tastes good. 16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee. 17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel. 18. You can always get fresh coffee. 19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it will be hot when you get back. 20. They sell coffee at police stations. 21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. 22. Coffee goes down easier. 23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. 24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. 25. A big cup or a small cup? It doesn't matter. 26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you. 27. Coffee smells good in the morning. 28. Coffee smells good when it's cold too. 29. Coffee stains are easier to remove. 30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it. 31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. 32. Coffee doesn't shed. 33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. 34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. 35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground. 36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. 37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time. 38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. 39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat. 40. Coffee doesn't take up half of your bed. 41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup. 42. INSTANT COFFEE!! 43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. 44. It takes up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. 45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup. -------------------------- Why the Internet is Like a Penis 1. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it difficult to get any real work done. 2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. 3. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. 4. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. 5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. 6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. 9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" 10. Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. 11. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. --------- Woman-Speak Translator 1. "We need" I want 2. "This Kitchen is so ____" I want a new house 3. "I want new curtains" and carpet, and furniture, and ... 4. "I need a new pair of shoes" the other 40 are all the wrong color 5. "I only need a soap dish" We'll check out ALL the sale items 6. "Those are a bargain" Did you bring your checkbook? 7. "Does this dress look OK?" I need a new wardrobe 8. "Look at this coat!" Is VISA maxed out? 9. "You're so attentive tonite" Is sex all you ever think about? 10. "It's just... I'm soooo tired" Get away from me, you sex maniac 11. "It's been such a hectic day" Get away from me, you sex maniac 12. "Hon! I just did my hair" Get away from me, you sex maniac 13. "Are the kids asleep?" Get away from me, you sex maniac 14. "Won't you be late for work?" Get away from me, you sex maniac 15. "Turn out the lights first" My thighs looked flabby today 16. "Of course I like making love" Is this gonna take much longer? 17. "You're ... so manly" You need a shave and a shower 18. "You have such a manly scent" For God's sake. Use some deodorant 19. "My, don't you look comfortable" Go put on a shirt, slob 20. "So nice to see you relaxing" Don't sit around in your underwear 21. "I'm not upset!" Of course I'm upset, you moron 22. "I'm not emotional!" You'd be too, if you married an idiot 23. "I'm not mad at all" I can't believe you're that stupid 24. "Yes, I'm still talking to you" I can't believe you're that stupid 25. "I'm not being quiet" I can't believe you're that stupid 26. "No" NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!! 27. "I'm sorry" You'll be sorry 28. "Do you forgive me?" You'll be sorry 29. "Well, I was upset" You'll be sorry 30. "Well, I was tired" You'll be sorry 31. "Well, I had a headache" You'll be sorry 32. "Do what you want" You'll pay for this later, big time 33. "Do what you think best" You'll pay for this later, big time 34. "You know more about it" You'll pay for this later, big time 35. "As I recall, it was your idea" You'll pay for this later, big time 36. "Yes, I've calmed down" You'll pay for this later, big time 37. "I realize it was my fault sweetheart" You ain't seen nothing yet! 38. "It's your decision" The correct decision is obvious 39. "Sure... go ahead" Don't you dare, you clown 40. You like this recipe? It's easy to fix 41. "Do you want to eat out?" I forgot to go grocery shopping 42. "What do you want for dinner?" I don't feel like cooking 43. "You seen that new restaurant?" I don't feel like cooking 44. "It's your Mother's recipe" You'd better damn sight eat that 45. "You liked that the last time" You'd better damn sight eat that 46. "Don't want to talk yet" Go away, I'm building up steam 47. "Just need some time to think" Go away, I'm building up steam 48. "We need to talk" I need to complain 49. "Learn to communicate" Just agree with me 50. "I am not yelling!" This is important, you idiot! 51. "Are you listening to me???" [Too late, you're dead] 52. "Our anniversary's coming up" When I think of the guys I could've married 53. "The kids were so bad today" Your gene pool needs more chlorine ------------- Women keywords and their meaning 1. FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. 2. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. 3. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". 5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 6. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". 7. SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 8. OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. 9. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 10. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". 11. THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. 12. THANKS A LOT This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". ------------- __________________

Aug 4, 2003, 07:44 PM	#317
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	You know you're no longer a kid when... 1. Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more. 2. Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun. 3. The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are. 4. Being bad is no longer cool. 5. You have friends who have kids. 6. Saturday mornings are for sleeping. 7. You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland. 8. Your parents' jokes are now funny. 9. You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?" 10. You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller. 11. Two words: parachute pants 12. Naps are good. 13. Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting. 14. You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever". 15. When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!" 16. You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen. 17. You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd. 18. You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums. 19. You've bought an album on vinyl. 20. You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out. 21. You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind. ----------------- You Know You Play Too Much Quake, When... 1. You attempt to change lanes on the freeway by strafing left. 2. You try to pull out your BFG9000 after someone cuts you off on your way to work... 3. You keep trying to pick things up by walking over them... 4. You eat the blue and green balls off the christmas tree 5. You feel lousy and look down for the status bar 6. You grab your kid's backpack and can't believe its empty!? 7. Your desk at work is piled with paper because you refuse get too close to the recycle barrel. 8. The only way your wife can get your attention is to throw tomatoes at you. 9. Your PC boots straight into DOOM unless you press a key. 10. Your desk is wearing away right in front of the arrow keys! 11. You know for sure you've played to much when you try to look around the edges of your screen for the cyberdemon that got away. 12. You back-up your Quake files daily. 13. You try to double click on every door in the house. 14. You use the alarm clock to tell you when to GO to bed. 15. Your seat cushion doesn't return to normal upright position. 16. You dress up as your favourite DOOM character for Halloween (and your friends still know who you are). 17. You will try to turn to get out of chair by moving the trackball in that direction before you stand up. 18. You won't go into rooms with a red carpet..... 19. You expect every door to open up not in. (this can be quite painful sometimes) 20. You throw open the door to your house, jump backwards, and shoot your mailman. 21. When on your way to work you scan the streets for medkits and ammo. 22. Going to sleep you open the bedroom's door and instead of turning lights on, you fire a missile into the room. 23. Going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out quickly to see what follows you out. 24. You don't worry so much about getting hurt, since you'll probably pick up one of those blue spheres somewhere. 25. Watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch. 26. You start side-stepping into rooms. 27. You push on walls, as you walk down the hall looking for secret entrances. 28. You reach for your chainsaw when your wife's cold gives her the sniffles. 29. You instinctively target trash cans while walking around campus/work. 30. You look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator. 31. You can't stop squinting as you walk around your house. 32. You think you can actually walk through walls. 33. The border and status area are burned into your monitor. 34. You know ALL the ID codes by heart. 35. You find jokes about playing too much Quake funny. ----------------------- Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question again. He went away. A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her driver's license. He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex." ------------------ A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." --------------------- This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desires rise to a fever pitch. He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I'm busting to have a piss". Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind these bushes". She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!". "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead." --------------------------- __________________

Aug 7, 2003, 07:22 AM	#319
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	The Shit List An alphabetical listing of the shit we put up with every day. Personal Favorites -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE ALIEN SHIT Green. 'Nuff said. THE ANDREW SHIT Like an old friend named Andrew, this one just never quite goes away. Apparently it considers itself special. Bring a book, cuz this one is NEVER finished. -anonymous THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE BATHTUB SHIT You thought you were making bubbles, but much to your suprise ..... THE BOMBSHELL SHIT A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE BORN AGAIN SHIT After taking this load off, you feel like a new man (or woman). THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. THE BUDDHIST SHIT The one that requires an hour of meditation. THE BULLSHIT The kind of shit that you get from eatting lunch with your boss.- THE CLAY SHIT The shit that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of your sphyncter that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to mold it into the right shape to get rid of it. THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper. THE COLLEGE STUDENT THAT COMES HOME FOR THANKSGIVING SHIT The most solid shit the student has had since going to college. THE CONTEMPLATED SHIT Does a shit in the toilet make a plop when there is no one around to hear it? THE CORN SHIT Self-explanatory. THE CRACKER SHIT The shit that resembles that cracker you had a few minutes ago. - THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE DANGER SHIT The one where you have to evacuate the country until the smell goes down. THE DEAD WEIGHT SHIT The kind where when your done you feal 10 pounds lighter. THE DIETICIAN'S DELIGHT SHIT Shit that both sinks and floats in your toilet, proving to anyone who cares that you had eaten a proper diet. - THE DINGLEBERRY SHIT This is a living shit. After a well taken shit (often "Rabbit" shit), you flush. However the "dingleberry" never goes down. It sits at the bottom looking up at you. Often you leave before you see it. The next person usually finds another stall because they are afraid of the dingleberry, as if the dingleberry is saying, "Go away. Get the hell out of here. This is my home." -Kevin Bell THE DISOLVING SHIT The shit that came out solid but them disperses and turns the water all murky brown. THE ELASTIC SHIT This shit comes out, goes into the can, then feels like it's back in your ass again. THE ENERGIZER SHIT It keeps going and going and going and going... THE EXPANDO SHIT This shit feels small coming out, but blows up like a balloon as soon as it hits unpressurized space. THE EXPLOSIVE SHIT It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you think you are going to shoot off the toilet bowl through the ceiling. THE FART SUPRISE SHIT When you go in and sit on the toilet fart once and your empty. When you get up the toilet is full. - THE FIRE IN THE BOWL SHIT The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before. THE FLAMING SHIT These are shits you get from drinking cheap swill. THE FLOATER SHIT Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50 miles, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realization that there's a new mottled wall-paper on the wall behind the bowl. THE FOUNTAIN SHIT The kind that comes out so fast and furious (like a fountain sprinkler) as to cause the foul toilet water to splash up on your buttocks. Which, in turn, makes you feel unfresh the rest of the day. - THE FOREST SHIT The one that only hits you when you're six miles into the woods. THE GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting. THE GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. THE GROANER SHIT A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE GUM-BALL SHIT This is characterized by small, pink (..green, white or blue..) spots that result from swallowing your gum. You always want to tell somebody about it. - THE HEY LUCY, I'M HOME SHIT You flush the toilet, it all dissapears, but a second later, one floats back. THE HONEYMOON'S OVER SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE HYPNOTIC SHIT Shit where you finish, look at it, and it's so beautiful, all you can do is just stare at it in wonder and delight. THE I HAVEN'T SHIT IN A WEEK SHIT On the verge of using an eniema, you know you have to go, or else... THE I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. THE I KNOW IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE SHIT Kinda the same as the "It's too late now shit," except the victim can be heard screaming, "Get out here right now! I know you're in there! Stop hiding! Don't make me come in after you!" THE I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards. THE I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER SHIT When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE IT'S TOO LATE NOW SHIT After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing comes out. You know it's still in there, though... Needless to say, very frusterating (and uncomfortable). THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE LIQUID SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. THE MAGIC SHIT Possibly the most perfect poopie. It is like the "Clean" shit in that you don't have to wipe, but like the "Ghost" shit it dissapears. You do feel very relieved like you have done a good job.- THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all its own. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE MY INTESTINES ARE IN THE TOILET SHIT This shit hurts so bad coming out that it makes you feel like you have nothing inside you anymore. When you look in the toilet it looks like your intestines THE NEVER ENDING SHIT The shit that keeps coming out with no end and even when you think you are finished, it is still there, hanging out of your butt. THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHIT The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush. THE OH-SHIT SHIT Like the Wet Shit in that you wipe 50 times before you are satisfied, but like the Second Wave Shit because after you clog up your toilet you have to go again. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE ORGASMIC SHIT It feels like all your troubles are over once you've finished this shit. Its orgasmic, once you have finished it you jump up and down for joy. THE PEANUT SHIT Peanuts in your turds, left over from the plane. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PISSING OUT OF YOUR BUTT SHIT Feels like your pissing out of your butt. THE POLITICALLY CORRECT SHIT Shit that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks, and doesn't smell. THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced. Doesn't count. THE PRESSURIZED SHIT The shit that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going on. Then after it is finished coming out you let out a big fart that was behind it pushing it out. THE PUBLIC SHIT The only time you make a lot of foul noises is when there are lots of people around to hear it. - THE RANGER SHIT A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE RAWHIDE SHIT Shit you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it comes out with very leathery texture. - THE RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE SHIT You know, the kind that comes out looking like the elephant man...And makes you feel like you passed one (an elephant that is). THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT This is when you strain so hard you lose thirty pounds in the process. THE RITUAL SHIT This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE RUDE SHIT This shit makes a plea for help like it is drowning. It makes a loud noise that will be heard two to three blocks down. Very embarassing. THE SALSA SHIT Burns bad before, during, and after. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more. THE SHIT THAT YOU CAN SEE WHAT YOU ATE THE LAST 24 HOURS This shit usually occurs after you have eaten too many grapes or too much fruit. It is very runny and when you look in the toilet after you are done you can see all of little food particles floating around in the toilet. THE SILLY STRING SHIT A thin shit that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous, unbroken link. Generally will leave it's mark after flushing. You have the urge to call someone to come and look. THE SINKER SHIT Shit that sinks like lead to the bottom of the toilet, like rocks thrown in a pond. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE SPINAL TAP SHIT The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways. THE SPRAY PAINTER SHIT This one leaves every square inch of the bowl, under the seat, and your ass covered in shit. -Robert Ponzi THE STAR WARS SHIT The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers. THE SUPERMAN SHIT Comes out of your ass faster than a speeding bullet. THE TURBO-CHARGER SHIT You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind. THE UPPER CLASS SHIT This is the poopie that doesn't stink. - THE WET CHEEKS SHIT Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE WET SHIT You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks. THE WHAMMO SHIT The shit that went through your system like a slip-n'-slide. THE WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE? SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE GHOST SHIT - That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet. THE CLEAN SHIT - The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT - It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize you have to shit some more. BRAIN HEMORRAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT OR POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT - The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. THE ICEBERG SHIT - The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it stick s above the water. __________________

Aug 7, 2003, 07:22 AM	#320
The_Neon_Cowboy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 16,135 Rep Power: 77 System Specs	THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds. THE CORN SHIT - Self-explanatory. THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT - The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush. THE DRINKER'S SHIT - That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet. THE GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT - It's the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times. THE SPINAL TAP SHIT - That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. THE WET CHEECKS SHIT OR THE POWER DUMP - That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE QUID SHIT - That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender buns. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - A class all its own. THE OTTOMAS SHIT - The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted in several bowling alleys in the past few years.) __________________

Aug 15, 2003, 12:25 PM	#321
kinetic DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Manchester England Posts: 2,559 Rep Power: 0	A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL." P.S. I've stickied this thread, hopefully to prevent loads of joke threads!

Aug 17, 2003, 01:38 AM	#322
peterosesbookie DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: OHIO Posts: 554 Rep Power: 0	THE JUGGLER: A Greene County Deputy pulled a car over on I-65 about 52 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly; he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test!" __________________ A Cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer!

Aug 17, 2003, 01:39 AM	#323
peterosesbookie DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: OHIO Posts: 554 Rep Power: 0	I'm Dead An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and NOTHING HURTS." __________________ A Cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer!

Aug 17, 2003, 01:40 AM	#324
peterosesbookie DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: OHIO Posts: 554 Rep Power: 0	Wise Words You've heard some of these before, but I still got a chuckle from some of them. Wise Words 1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "Terminal"? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 15. Seems to me that having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool! 16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" __________________ A Cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer!

Aug 17, 2003, 01:41 AM	#325
peterosesbookie DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: OHIO Posts: 554 Rep Power: 0	Dear Tide: Dear Tide: I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product. Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. __________________ A Cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer!

Aug 17, 2003, 06:51 AM	#326
Mac Daddy DriverHeaven Extreme Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 7,950 Rep Power: 64 System Specs	Welcome back Pete !!! Where ya been baby ?????? __________________ "My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance." - Tim Allen

Aug 17, 2003, 04:20 PM	#327
Falstaff Old Codger Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: USAFA Posts: 18,138 Rep Power: 131	guy wisdom We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are 'OUR' rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! ----------------------------------- 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!! __________________ The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the scythe.

Aug 18, 2003, 12:56 PM	#328
kinetic DriverHeaven Senior Member Join Date: May 2002 Location: Manchester England Posts: 2,559 Rep Power: 0	A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Aug 18, 2003, 02:42 PM	#329
jkayca2 DriverHeaven Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Canada Posts: 379 Rep Power: 0	AN AMAZING CONCLUSION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.