[Falstaff]

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we
mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see
what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby
- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly
thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is hardly played outside
of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out
of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector)
will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies
due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no
representative government in the USA, in line with the policy: 'No
representation without taxation'.

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers
(never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing, and we expect it back. We'll be searching
Boston first.

God save the Queen.

John Cleese

[H3X4D3C1M4L]

Hysterical! Where'd you find this?

[MGaz]

lol

[Mousey]

lmao, classic XD

[blown503]

Your right about the clowns we have trying to be president. I cant believe there
is no one else with higher qualifications to take the presidents spot. I mean really look at what we have now! I think the said "hey who wants to be in the circus" and Hoolery, McClown, and Ohblumba all stepped up and said "I would like to be a clown".

[swimtech]

Hmmm, maybe we should try some of that?

Those South Africans sound really tough.

Very funny stuff!

[YAYitsAndrew]

In case anyone is interested in the history of this. (It obviously was not written by John Cleese)

snopes.com: John Cleese Letter to USA

[swimtech]

Even Bettah!

Let's just all spell fonetikly, now shall we?

[Falstaff]

Originally Posted by Falstaff

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The
Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we
mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see
what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby
- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly
thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is hardly played outside
of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out
of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector)
will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies
due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no
representative government in the USA, in line with the policy: 'No
representation without taxation'.

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers
(never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
strawberries in season.

18. Some tea has gone missing, and we expect it back. We'll be searching
Boston first.

God save the Queen.

John Cleese

my father actually sent it to me, we used to live at Bentwaters AFB in the 70's so he has been a big python fan. People send him stuff all the time.

[cozumel]

That is really sooo funny.












be cool if it was true!!!