New Rules for life

Falstaff · Jun 25, 2006, 10:55 AM

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years,because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know whatthe captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout ?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***in g with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a
movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

BWX · Jun 25, 2006, 11:06 AM

LOL-- those are great. I think the guy who thought those up was a little too angry, but I happen to agree with all of them.

Guyver2K5 · Jun 25, 2006, 02:50 PM

lol those are awsome

Randomletters · Jun 25, 2006, 03:50 PM

Quote:

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

BS! We need bigger M&Ms. As a matter of fact i havent even seen those yet... brb... bah corner store didnt have em

swimtech · Jun 25, 2006, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Falstaff

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Oh my gosh, I actually talk people through this...

"Debit or Credit?"

"They really ought to standardize this thing..."

... by the 47 year old kid.

Tinkerhell · Aug 17, 2006, 03:45 PM

Wow. just dug this up & about had a rolling fit at work. On this note I am going home! Too damn funny!!

LeanWolf · Aug 17, 2006, 03:58 PM

heh, I'll agree with most of that.

Vampyromaniac · Aug 17, 2006, 09:31 PM

hehe

I recognize a lot of these from Bill Maher. I wonder are they all from him?

Dyre Straits · Aug 17, 2006, 09:46 PM

Quote:

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's looting.

This one is my favorite!!!

Tinkerhell · Aug 18, 2006, 11:10 AM

Top 5 in order:

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout ?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Trout! That's just a riot.

riles9262 · Aug 18, 2006, 11:25 AM

Very good. I love the starbucks one. I always frown on those pricks who have those 10+ syllable orders. Just get a goddamn coffee already.

BWX · Aug 18, 2006, 11:51 AM

I don't know where but I heard all of those before- (post 10)

Neshi · Aug 18, 2006, 04:05 PM

hes just giving his top 5 from the first post..

BWX · Aug 18, 2006, 04:42 PM

LOL-- even before that I meant..

dsdsdk · Aug 18, 2006, 05:32 PM

www.classmates.com

dsdsdk · Aug 18, 2006, 05:56 PM

grrr.. hello kitty

Vampyromaniac · Aug 18, 2006, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BWX

I don't know where but I heard all of those before- (post 10)

Perhaps Bill Maher's show? I for sure know some of them are from there, the others might also be from his show.

Counterfe1t · Aug 18, 2006, 09:57 PM

Call me evil but i think anyone who frequents Starbucks is pretentious and not all that bright theres better coffee out there than 4bucks coffee i mean starbucks

mainman · Aug 19, 2006, 02:00 AM

now that was awsome...