YAY it's Poetry

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 1, 2007, 01:52 PM

I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and have this overwhelming urge to be read. Open to all forms of criticism.

---
There is a hole labeled love.
For three years we played the perimeter
Occasionally stopping to glance down the hole then into each other's eyes,
Wondering how the two seemed equal in depth.
One day I jumped in.
It was foolish of me,
We should have tied a rope around our waists and climbed down together.

Sometimes, when there are no clouds and the sun is at the right angle,
You can look down and see me
And wonder if I'm worth the wager.
What you can't see, though, is that I've braced myself and have my arms open
To catch you
When you're ready.

SFOSOK · Apr 1, 2007, 10:19 PM

to literal for my tastes.

Needs to be more romantic and a play on words instead of so straight forward.

Edit: Remember though the general concensus about me is that I hate everything.

Falstaff · Apr 2, 2007, 02:52 AM

I could see this is a ballad about the angst of youth and loves lost, it is perfectly valid and rather good.

GutterPunk · Apr 2, 2007, 07:06 AM

NOt bad, you say the love word too quick?

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 2, 2007, 09:08 AM

Nope, started talking marriage. We had been together for 3 years but she was just starting college. Scared her off.

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 2, 2007, 10:35 AM

Here's another one.

---
I am seduction's rake
And you are a green leaf in Spring.
I spend my patience to change the seasons because
One of them will make you realize that holding on to him is not worth the energy.
When you land softly on the grass, I am ready to collect.
Maybe it's my plastic smile
Or my impressive wooden handle;
You can't resist me.
It is my art.

Falstaff · Apr 2, 2007, 05:14 PM

you should try some Haiku as well Andrew...it may be your forte..

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 2, 2007, 11:25 PM

Here's a haiku I wrote after I watched my roommate Marshall stomp a mouse to death in our apartment a year ago. Why do you suggest haiku?

---
Don't squeak little mouse,
Marshall's foot is swift justice
For an unknown crime.

[hobo]eclipse · Apr 2, 2007, 11:36 PM

the first one is great, a visual poem if you will, i can see the whole thing played out in my mind as a short film, very simple and strait forward and true, universally. the second is cool but seems alil more personal, not bad but maybe not as meaningful for the masses, not that the masses are of any concern.......

Falstaff · Apr 3, 2007, 02:23 AM

I love the Haiku...
nothing like an image...
sorry for the mouse...
but cats got to eat too...

Mousey · Apr 3, 2007, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YAYitsAndrew

Here's a haiku I wrote after I watched my roommate Marshall stomp a mouse to death in our apartment a year ago. Why do you suggest haiku?

---
Don't squeak little mouse,
Marshall's foot is swift justice
For an unknown crime.

*screams*

**Vikingod** · Apr 4, 2007, 01:50 PM

lol @ mousey

Nice poems; oh, the innuendo!

I agree with Jeff, your meter lends itself to Haiku.

YAYitsAndrew · May 31, 2007, 09:21 AM

Had LOTS to write about lately... hope you find something you like. I even wrote some of them rhymin' ones cause people seem to like them.

---
Someone invented a clay
That can grow how it sees fit under accord of its own free will.
When you mold it, it holds just long enough to let you forget why you molded it in the first place.
During that time it sits perfectly
Then returns to the man you started with.

---
You have the choice of him or me -
One sticky situation.
A matter of such gravity
Demands attenuation.
I'll offer you a tip for free,
Some sagely inspiration.
My foe is not your past with he,
It's your imagination.

---
You say it's too soon:
Hommage to some notion that love follows reason or logic.
If it did, then by now I'd know not to fall for you this quickly.
It's too soon.

---
I'm a vacation.
You take me for two weeks and have a great time.
You cry a little when I'm over.
When you get back to your real life you put photos of me in an album
And wonder if you could have stayed longer.

---
Our time together's a tease.
Obligation betrays desire.
I want to have secrets with you
and make them at your lips.

---
The purpose of a title is to wear it on your chest.
Then let the people read it so that they can be impressed.
But she is not a title, trophy, medal, plaque, or crest.
So keep on wearing her as one and I'll punch you in the face.

Falstaff · May 31, 2007, 11:57 PM

this very emotional....
Andrew do you have a dark side?

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 1, 2007, 01:15 AM

Who doesn't