That One Word

SFOSOK · Mar 8, 2006, 02:32 AM

That thing you lost,
It tears you, it breaks you
You think of how things were
Nothing else exists

You gave it your all and you still came up short
You try as hard as you can, and things just can't be changed
You regret the things you said, but sorry doesn't help
You wish she'd forgive, but know she can't forget

This thing you lost
was held too tight
What you had
Has now turned to spite

That thing called Love...

You ignored the signs
You hid the pain
There is nothing left
No more to gain

You ache each day, but the pain still stays
Your soul has left, that hollow feeling
You gave you heart, and now its smashed
This pain, just cannot last

That thing...
It is but a whisper on your lips, a faded memory
You say it to yourself, hoping she was in your arms
Living that last moment we shared

So this is what those songs are about
This one word
This one feeling

Called Love...

SFOSOK · Mar 9, 2006, 02:14 AM

I think this one is pretty decent, I made it up like in about 2 min about what I was currently feeling at the time.

SFOSOK · Mar 23, 2006, 02:16 AM

I guess people still don't give a damn, well I'ma start on my next work tomorrow. Hopefully it will get any feedback, unlike this one...

Falstaff · Mar 31, 2006, 08:51 AM

It's alright and pretty deep too,
I know what you mean man..
I am grateful that anyone reads my work, but most of it is largely ignored, and that is just the way it goes.
I dont think many people come here anyway, from what I have seen it is just gamers youngsters entertaining themselves...and so it shall be..
but dont stop posting man, keep it up.
When I get inspired I just post and that is the end of it, like giving money to my kids..
I never expect anything in return..LOL
hang in there..

Callandor · Apr 5, 2006, 08:30 AM

Man that is the sadest thing I've ever heard, exactly exactly how I feel right now, I'm pathetic, should've got my training long before I had this age, but unfortunately I was the good kid that listented to everything my parents said now I'm paying the price for it and it sucks dude, it really does apparently for me there is no such thing as love just hate and nothin' else man no such love i feel your pain man, though I'm in a more pathetic situation than you or most anyone here will ever be in, I drowned my fear in games and my pc and for that I hate it and my parents more than anything else for this but I will learn alas, there is no choice, but keep writing man, i don't know what I'd 've done if I didn't see that poem of yours now, thanks death, i needed that. Your poem has not fallen on deaf ears.

SFOSOK · Apr 5, 2006, 10:31 AM

Well, I was really engulfed in hate for a long time and quite a bit of my life. I wrote this kinda biography about myself though. It really made me feel a lot better about my life. Worst part is I stopped talkin to this girl when Oblivion came out (kinda sad) but we are trying to start over our friendship. I normally wouldn't post something so personal bout my life on a tech forum but I hope it helps you and others. Let me find that thing I wrote. Its very long and I wrote it at like 3 am to 6 am. Its pretty much my life story and it is pretty pathetic at times. I don't mention video games or comps, but they helped me escape when I needed to. Music has always also been there for me.

SFOSOK · Apr 5, 2006, 10:35 AM

Like always I don't know where to start so I'll just start from the begining.

Well my life was quite exciting when before I was even born. It turns out my mother had to run down 20-30 floors with me in her tummy (no she did not eat me) while the building she worked at caught on fire (now if you know me you can probably guess I'm the way I am because of smoke inhalation and my mother joggin down steps). Well after that I was born, and I looked like a little fat Indian. According to accounts by my relatives, though I weighed 11lbs (thats pretty fat) at birth I was the most cudly brown baby ever! So I was a baby for a while and I only remember one thing from when I was that young, I remember walking, then falling, then being upsidedown. So anyways after I was a baby for a while I decided, this kinda sucks and then the 90's hit. What I remeber from the 90's is it was very depressing (I hate you Coast 103.9!). I went to Christian school called New Hope, it was on walnut till about 1st grade. While it was nice and I made friends easily I have bad memories, like not being able to do a handstand. When I went to new hope all I remember is God and Jesus in just about every sentence they said. At this point I was goin to church avidly (and liking it somewhat). Also as I attended Christian school I was in Tae Quan Do (Hap DO sool Muthaf*ckas!) where I excelled in martial arts (I was like young mind you) and I was put in an advanced class because I could cartwheel (I will only do it for you if you beg, and then I still may not do it). I also attended Camp Bullfrog (hell) where I learned that drowning is not a fun thing and that if you can't tell the difference between the deep end and the shallow end then no one will help you. About at this time I attended a doctors check up where they proceeded to give me every single shot they thought I missed all at once. I (as well as them) learned that this was a bad idea. I soon turned very grey and got very sick. Also I remember I flew down the stairs one christmas eve and forgot to let go of the rail. I ended up knocking myself out because I hit this wooden thing that jutted out (+ the wall) and turned green, the fire department soon arrived and felt the need to laugh. About this time I started attending Oak Ridge Elementary School. This is where I learned to write so horribly. My 3rd grade teacher forced me to learn cursive and insisted that it was something I needed to do. Though this time period of school I was quite popular, made many friends, and learned how to play nationball (thats where u seperate people by nations and pick on the poor black kids). During my fun time here I started having symptoms of asthma (shhh don't tell the Army). I can say Iwa sat school probably 60% of the time as I guess this was a pretty bad thing I got and air is important. All I know was for one Halloween I was a Pirate because I jabbed my eyeball on the corner of a drawer by falling face first into it off of a bed post. For this I was rewarded with an eye patch. Also when I woke up in the hospital I was smiling. When my mother asked why I told her I saw jesus (though I don't remember it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside thinkin bout it). So anyway let me finish up elementary school, I was the best at Nationball (pegged Kevin Guppy in the head a lot), I was awsome at tackle football with no pads against 11th graders, and I thought I found the first girl I ever loved Brittany Van Voorhis, though I was too much of a wuss to ask her out. My best friends during this time were Keland Johnson and Sean Renden. As for the thing with Brittany, those two guys are the only ones who knew about it till now. All I know is I liked her up until she started goin out with Kevin Guppy (that cheap bastard) in like High School. So I graduated that place and was in a greek play where I was 5 different people (including making it funnier than hell, also I have the video tapes of it if any want to watch them here and I still have the outfit lol). During that time period I wore very neon and 90's apparel. Allright you can take a breather now, next is Junior High.

Ready? good. Well I attended Townsend Junior high for two years. I soon made friends with Andrew Huffman and Ryan Lockhart and the entire band team (was not in band). I hung out with them for a while until Ryan and Andrew decided they could not be my friends because I did not have blonde hair and blue eyes. I found out later this was a good thing because they eventually turned out to be gay. So I spent my Junior High as the wise ass, the person who knew more than you and wasn't afraid to stomp all over your dreams. At this point I had not had a girlfriend mind you and I was quite the loser. But the band team sure did idolize me and for some reason started calling my Hitler and Saluting me as I walked past (I hated everyone equally back then). My friends During this time were Michael Moon, Nathan (I tihnk its young), Marven Valdez, Herbert, Sean Fetsko, and any other white people who didn't fit in or had asthma. During this time period my asthma wasn't really that bad but I would fake like I was goin to die to my mom (but not enough to go to the doctor, learned that from Ferris Bular's Day off) and speant most of my time at home watching the Price is Right, Maury, Riki Lake and soap Operas because I did not want to go to school and deal with not having any real good friends. I in fact convinced some that I truelly did die, though I told them nothing, I was always greeted with a, "hey, didn't you almost die?". I had a very good Senile Teacher at this time named Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee....would bring guns to school and sniff his tobacco leaf, he also tried to get me to steal his wallet. I also had a memorable teacher names Mr. Bates who apparently completely lost his mind. And so ended Junior High, I would mention my family but they really didn't do anything. About this time I was sorely depressed (stll being the 90's) and was carrying the weight of my family on my back. It seemed after my mom got in a car accident everything went down hill (at least for her). I became the person in the family who cried for no reason and worried about everytihng so others didn't have to. Many a night I cried myself to sleep, and prayed to God, but he answered....eventually lol. At this time I was listening to Metallica and only Metallica. Um, other that that I think I was pretty cute back then along when I was in Elementary school (I was the cutest kid ever! Though slightly losing my mind). And next is the dreaded Highschool dun dun dun, hold on I need a piss break....(Humming Jepordy theme). O yeah I wasn't allowed to watch power Rangers, wut kinda crap is that man? Or the Simpsons.

Man that was good. Ok now where was I...hmm o yes High School. Well I could either sum it up with...Guh? or write out how I have changed. I think i'll write as sleep is for the weak. Freshman year, nobody talked to each other for the first couple months. We were all scared, and there was no upper class. I remember my first day I almost pissed myself, this was it High School, it can make or break you. Yeah I ended up in the wrong classes, but I was slick while doing it. For some reason someone thought I was intelligent and put me in all honors classes...I failed English because I didn't even know what an Essay was (thanks for nuthin townsend!). During this time I was still hanging out with my azn friends, but it would always be counterstrike this, counterstrike that. My Freshman year is when I met the friends I have now. We met in german class, for some reason everybody thought Ms. Daivs was hot and for some reason I felt she was always hitting on me (ewww). O the good times, we failled at learning german good. We even hada game plan each day so we didn't have to turn in Homework. One of us would distract her and take us off subject for the entire class period. As soon as the bell rang we were out of there. I remember Brenden Dean would always freak out and I tied a highlighter to my shoe and kicked Tim's Jacket while Ryan and Jon proceeded to draw pentegrams and Swastikas all over it. We used to sit on the tables (the first ones to do so). Also I remember frank punching some random azn in the face. I played Tennis Freshman year and refused to play football because I didn't havea ride to practice. Sophmore year I was quite active in sports and I believe I was quite awsome at Tennis. I started to flake out at school at this point and was kicked off the team, I bet if you search my name in google you will find the our old tennis site and some records for my games.Tennis was like Poetry. Anyways, during this time period I started listenin to a lot of metal and a table was Formed from the forge of Derrick, Ryan, Jon, and my hand creating a group that was outcast from all the rest of the clics. I think Sophmore year was pretty boring. I'm pretty sure some of the guys were taking bets that I wouldn't get laid till I was 23 but I can't prove it. German class was crazy though, because we learned nothing and would draw the most random things on a piece of paper. A lot of my teachers thought I was crazy, I always talked about killing things and sinster plans of world domination. Btw, still didn't have a girlfriend. Now Junior Year is when thing got all fucked up. I wasn't expecting my life to change so much cause I was smooth sailing under the radar. I think it deserves its own paragraph....

SFOSOK · Apr 5, 2006, 10:36 AM

Start of junior year I was in cooking. This is where I met the second girl I fell in love with, we'll get to that later. Anyways for most of the first part of the year I was Drunk. Almost no one at the school had even been exposed to alcohol and I decided it was time for a change. So I got Derrick drunk, and Ryan drunk, and Jon drunk, and before you know it everyone was a drunk. My favorite liquor was Canadian Whiskey. and Tequatorade popsicles. I would drink in front of teachers, and who ever but it started getting expensive. During this time I also Drank rubbing alcohol and lots of Nyquil. I also rode to school 6 miles a day on bike with a 50lbs backpack then 6 miles back (most of the time drunk). During this time I was cool because I supplied the liquor. During this time period I was introduced to quite a few other people. Like the Twins, Michelle, Sloths, Roby's Neck, Sam toliver's ugly face, Natalie hooper (damn she was annoying). So at this point I had not had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or even cared really. But then I started to care because I met Michelle La Rosa. Yes I fell in Love with her in cooking class. I was determined also to get her to go out with me and I would talk to Jon about it all the time, he was tlaking to some crazy chick from new york that was all into witchcraft. As an attempt to illude me Michelle introduced me to Natalie Manogue. This worked for a while though I had only talked to her for a short period of time it was like I was entranced, then as I was invited to go to knotts I realized I would be out of place and she then was asked out by Mat. So I was very subtle and I went back after Michelle because I was convinced I was in love with her. Finally, with the assistance of Natalie, her and I were kinda together... sort of, I saw her one day, asked her out, then she dumped me 5 days later cause I was getting to clingy. Wtf I never even saw her after that first day. I was truelly happy for that one day and for the first time had something to look forward to. So I was hurtin being dumped, cried a lot, and it was new years and I was alone. I tried to be her friend still but she spiralled downward and only got worse each day and I couldn't watch someone I loved do that to themselves. So I became a bit cold hearted convinced no one could love me. I spent a lot of time with my friends and really didn't give a damn at all about girls. I remember we ditched school because all I said was I wanted to go to Ayala. I also later that day realized Ayala is very far away and drinking NyQuil at Derricks house was good enough. Man we had a lot of stupid ideas, but no one was there to say don't do it so yeah we were pretty crazy. Especially Ryan, me nad him got along well and would draw lots of crazy pictures, like babies being sharpened. Ryan, Jon and I also created I nice german story where the kids travel in search of a youth hostel only to find they are in Raccon city and being eaten by zombies. Tofu tried to save them but was unsuccessful. After that I went through a very dark period. I made a plan with Derrick and we both met girls that we fell in love with. He fell head over heals for this girl Natalie Samson and I fell in love with Erin doobie. things were great when it started. I would write her endless and vast amounts of poetry almost every single day. I promissed her things like we would run away and get married (I know most of you did not know that). At that point I wanted to join the US Army Rangers with derrick, man Derrick and I planned some things pretty far ahead like havin houses next to each other and being married to Natalie and Erin. Erin was the first girl I kissed and it was on Cody's lawn (ha take that fat man, jk). I remember we went to townsend once and laid on the field, looking up at the stars. Then all of a sudden things started goin down. Natalie left Derrick and he was devestated. I remember I would see him right after he would cry. I had never seen Derrick cry or known it possible. Erin started acting strangely though after that. She would threaten to kill herself every night almost, and every day it seemed was a struggle to keep her alive. It just got me thinkin about myself, that I guess I'm not good enough to live for. After a while I found out she had kissed her old bf (Mike) and been hangin out with and plannin to make a move on Derrick. So I got in an arguement and she said she was gunna kill herself so I told her to do it. She didn't kill herself and I was left with one less girlfriend who cheated on me and I lost my friendship with Derrick over this crap. At this point in my life I was like ok...so I'm not good enough to live for...I'm not good enough to die for...and I'm just plain not good enough...I was very depressed and no one could help me. I tried to be strong but I would just collapse. Things got all out of wack, I started thinkin bout killin things, losing my mind, I was a wreck. So I did the only thing I could to keep goin. I became cold. I would work out non-stop and cut the sides of my arms to make it harder to do pushups. I increased my tolerance for pain by doing things I can't quite remember. I made myself numb, a machine. I felt I could never love again and I didn't want to, because I had power, and control. I was just waiting for someone to go off on me so I could punch their head through a wall. I was a very angry young man and my wall can vouch for that. Somewhere in there I choked out Roby because he hit one of the Twins and was the only person who stood up to Sam Toliver. So at this point I was just waiting for a reason to ruin my life. Then summer hit. Man o man Summer. Junior Year Summer brings back a lot of memories. We shall continue Summer in the next paragraph, it will be from summer up until now.

Allright so where was I? Been in love 3 times, went out with 2 girls, complete social, mental, physical breakdown and then I made myself a very cold person. When summer hits I realized I hated a lot of things (a lot of things...). So I decided to become more upbeat and fun to be around, but I would always go away from the main group of people and just be by myself. I liked being by myself, it was nice. Then I uhhh started falling in love again (I know, shut up). I thought this was weird because I was such a cold person. But someone started to stand out to me, to befriend me, to actually make me feel I was wanted and I thought something must have been wrong with her. That person was Natalie Manogue, and she was a true friend to me. So Summer went on and I started feeling something again, but I denied it, and I hid it. My mind and my heart were arguing all the time. My mind thought I was crazy, like wtf are you thinking? Didn't you see what happened before? Your ok by urself, all you need is yourself. But my heart was like, well... maybe this is the one, and my mind was like shut up nigga. I started to change though, the more time I speant with her its like I was happy. A happyness I vaguely remembered. At a certain point (I can't remember) I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We would spend time on the trampoline or in the back of AJ's van just talking or something. I remember the first time we kissed, man I just like nearly flew through the roof after that moment. I remember when I told her how I felt about her, my heart felt like it was about to burst. I would write her messages almost everyday and she would back, man those were so beautiful, I feel so bad I didn't print them out or save them or something. The most memorable moment (and she knows it is for me) is this one night I was at her house. We laid on the couch together and just held each other through the entire night. It was something you can't really describe. I loved her so much. I never got tired of seeing her, talking to her, holding her. At that point in my life I was in some sort of happiness I never thought possible. After a month it seemed we were together a year. I would walk all the way to her house just to see her face. She was my best friend, she was my love. Though I never told her this the reason I went to bv was cause I wanted to be with her. You may think switching schools for a girl is dumb but man, I was in love, I didn't give a shit what dumb was. I did try to get as low to a zero in every class as I could. It was fun though pissing off teachers and pretty much everyone lol. Well we went through the year and I got a Job at Best Buy towards the end. It was cool, I felt important lol and it was good for a first job. I tihnk sometime after that I asked Natalie to marry me. We were sitting on her fathers truck bed with the tail gate down and she gave me a ring or maybe she showed it to me or something. Anyways the cheesy and cheap jackass I am saw an opportunity (I was thinkin about this a long time back) wait, I think it may have been while before I was working at Best Buy, forgive me, my memory is shot to pieces. But anyways, being the cheesy bastard I was I asked her to marry me with that ring (I'm tellin you I'm a cheap ass). We were engaged and somehow got my parents to buy us rings, though I dunno if it was neccessary. I had a few jobs, nothing really steady, no real direction had my dad on my ass about school. I had lost touch with my friends because I thought I didn't need em for anything and that they were ignorent. Then after about a year or so together, I didn't want to admit it, but I wasn't really goin anywhere, accomplishing anything. I was happy though that I still had Natalie. Sometime before I got a job at UPS I started noticing things were goin wrong but I didn't want to admit it. I had my own idea about love being perfect. We would try to take breaks but always stop. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I started working a lot at two jobs. I never didn't get to see her as much and her friends would always bitch about how they never got to see her. Now that I look back at it, they really didn't get to see her, no one did but me. Its like I kept her all to myself because I was afraid of losing her. And I saw what had been happening. I saw all the signs, but it was too late. So there we were, on her doorstep. She said she needed to talk and I just got this bad feeling in my heart. And she gave me back the ring. From that point on I f*cked things up bad. I was confused, tried to make myself cold, tried to be noble, tried a lot of things. Notihng worked, I had no control anymore. I still love her, and hope for us at least to be friends. Cause she taught me how to love, and how to live.

So thats where I am now. I am trying to find out what can makem happy. And I'm just waiting. Waiting till August 1st. I will be leaving for the Army. As an Intel Analyst mind you but my training is for 6 months. Write now I just try to spend time with my friends before I go, I try to write poetry and read, and just try to survive. Where things will go? What will happen? Hell if I know I've spent the last couple years trying to figure everything out. I'll just let the wind take me, play it by ear and give all of this to God.

So yeah, thats like start to end, if you read it...well good for you lol. I really didn't write for it to be read, I just wrote it so I could remember.

I love my friends, though they are a bit flaky.

SFOSOK · Apr 5, 2006, 10:51 AM

Life, sucks and Love is a bitch. But you know what? As dumb and retarded as it sounds, shit happens for a reason. I look back at my life and everytime it got worse, it eventually got better. Its a crazy world out there and we've all lost our minds but only way we can survive is through each other. While Love hurts more than anything I have ever experienced in my whole entire life, it keeps me goin. Without Love there is nothing, and I'll tell you this, being hurt is better than not feeling at all. I know because I've been to that point where I've felt nothing.

If you can trust me on onet things guys and gals, let it be that Love is worth any pain. Love if worth fighting and dieing for.

: ) Have a great day and remember, though life can hurt everything happens for a reason.

Callandor · Apr 11, 2006, 03:24 AM

Dude, I IMMENSLY appreciate this, I do man, thanks alot man, thanks alot. I haven't been able to come in for the last few days thanks to my pathetic life, but I think I hope I haven't passed the point where I don't really care at all anymore, I'm not human more and more everyday but your story helps me more and more, thanks alot man, I really appreciate it. Right now I'm trying to burry my life's misery in money, the more of it I have and skill, the better man and I am going forward in this respect. It's all I live for now I honestly believe.

SFOSOK · Apr 11, 2006, 03:55 PM

I feel myself turning cold sometimes. Like back how I was, but for some reason I can't let myself. Its so much easier to hate everything but I just won't let myself. Just keep at it and don't turn cold.