SFOSOK

Start of junior year I was in cooking. This is where I met the second girl I fell in love with, we'll get to that later. Anyways for most of the first part of the year I was Drunk. Almost no one at the school had even been exposed to alcohol and I decided it was time for a change. So I got Derrick drunk, and Ryan drunk, and Jon drunk, and before you know it everyone was a drunk. My favorite liquor was Canadian Whiskey. and Tequatorade popsicles. I would drink in front of teachers, and who ever but it started getting expensive. During this time I also Drank rubbing alcohol and lots of Nyquil. I also rode to school 6 miles a day on bike with a 50lbs backpack then 6 miles back (most of the time drunk). During this time I was cool because I supplied the liquor. During this time period I was introduced to quite a few other people. Like the Twins, Michelle, Sloths, Roby's Neck, Sam toliver's ugly face, Natalie hooper (damn she was annoying). So at this point I had not had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or even cared really. But then I started to care because I met Michelle La Rosa. Yes I fell in Love with her in cooking class. I was determined also to get her to go out with me and I would talk to Jon about it all the time, he was tlaking to some crazy chick from new york that was all into witchcraft. As an attempt to illude me Michelle introduced me to Natalie Manogue. This worked for a while though I had only talked to her for a short period of time it was like I was entranced, then as I was invited to go to knotts I realized I would be out of place and she then was asked out by Mat. So I was very subtle and I went back after Michelle because I was convinced I was in love with her. Finally, with the assistance of Natalie, her and I were kinda together... sort of, I saw her one day, asked her out, then she dumped me 5 days later cause I was getting to clingy. Wtf I never even saw her after that first day. I was truelly happy for that one day and for the first time had something to look forward to. So I was hurtin being dumped, cried a lot, and it was new years and I was alone. I tried to be her friend still but she spiralled downward and only got worse each day and I couldn't watch someone I loved do that to themselves. So I became a bit cold hearted convinced no one could love me. I spent a lot of time with my friends and really didn't give a damn at all about girls. I remember we ditched school because all I said was I wanted to go to Ayala. I also later that day realized Ayala is very far away and drinking NyQuil at Derricks house was good enough. Man we had a lot of stupid ideas, but no one was there to say don't do it so yeah we were pretty crazy. Especially Ryan, me nad him got along well and would draw lots of crazy pictures, like babies being sharpened. Ryan, Jon and I also created I nice german story where the kids travel in search of a youth hostel only to find they are in Raccon city and being eaten by zombies. Tofu tried to save them but was unsuccessful. After that I went through a very dark period. I made a plan with Derrick and we both met girls that we fell in love with. He fell head over heals for this girl Natalie Samson and I fell in love with Erin doobie. things were great when it started. I would write her endless and vast amounts of poetry almost every single day. I promissed her things like we would run away and get married (I know most of you did not know that). At that point I wanted to join the US Army Rangers with derrick, man Derrick and I planned some things pretty far ahead like havin houses next to each other and being married to Natalie and Erin. Erin was the first girl I kissed and it was on Cody's lawn (ha take that fat man, jk). I remember we went to townsend once and laid on the field, looking up at the stars. Then all of a sudden things started goin down. Natalie left Derrick and he was devestated. I remember I would see him right after he would cry. I had never seen Derrick cry or known it possible. Erin started acting strangely though after that. She would threaten to kill herself every night almost, and every day it seemed was a struggle to keep her alive. It just got me thinkin about myself, that I guess I'm not good enough to live for. After a while I found out she had kissed her old bf (Mike) and been hangin out with and plannin to make a move on Derrick. So I got in an arguement and she said she was gunna kill herself so I told her to do it. She didn't kill herself and I was left with one less girlfriend who cheated on me and I lost my friendship with Derrick over this crap. At this point in my life I was like ok...so I'm not good enough to live for...I'm not good enough to die for...and I'm just plain not good enough...I was very depressed and no one could help me. I tried to be strong but I would just collapse. Things got all out of wack, I started thinkin bout killin things, losing my mind, I was a wreck. So I did the only thing I could to keep goin. I became cold. I would work out non-stop and cut the sides of my arms to make it harder to do pushups. I increased my tolerance for pain by doing things I can't quite remember. I made myself numb, a machine. I felt I could never love again and I didn't want to, because I had power, and control. I was just waiting for someone to go off on me so I could punch their head through a wall. I was a very angry young man and my wall can vouch for that. Somewhere in there I choked out Roby because he hit one of the Twins and was the only person who stood up to Sam Toliver. So at this point I was just waiting for a reason to ruin my life. Then summer hit. Man o man Summer. Junior Year Summer brings back a lot of memories. We shall continue Summer in the next paragraph, it will be from summer up until now.



Allright so where was I? Been in love 3 times, went out with 2 girls, complete social, mental, physical breakdown and then I made myself a very cold person. When summer hits I realized I hated a lot of things (a lot of things...). So I decided to become more upbeat and fun to be around, but I would always go away from the main group of people and just be by myself. I liked being by myself, it was nice. Then I uhhh started falling in love again (I know, shut up). I thought this was weird because I was such a cold person. But someone started to stand out to me, to befriend me, to actually make me feel I was wanted and I thought something must have been wrong with her. That person was Natalie Manogue, and she was a true friend to me. So Summer went on and I started feeling something again, but I denied it, and I hid it. My mind and my heart were arguing all the time. My mind thought I was crazy, like wtf are you thinking? Didn't you see what happened before? Your ok by urself, all you need is yourself. But my heart was like, well... maybe this is the one, and my mind was like shut up nigga. I started to change though, the more time I speant with her its like I was happy. A happyness I vaguely remembered. At a certain point (I can't remember) I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We would spend time on the trampoline or in the back of AJ's van just talking or something. I remember the first time we kissed, man I just like nearly flew through the roof after that moment. I remember when I told her how I felt about her, my heart felt like it was about to burst. I would write her messages almost everyday and she would back, man those were so beautiful, I feel so bad I didn't print them out or save them or something. The most memorable moment (and she knows it is for me) is this one night I was at her house. We laid on the couch together and just held each other through the entire night. It was something you can't really describe. I loved her so much. I never got tired of seeing her, talking to her, holding her. At that point in my life I was in some sort of happiness I never thought possible. After a month it seemed we were together a year. I would walk all the way to her house just to see her face. She was my best friend, she was my love. Though I never told her this the reason I went to bv was cause I wanted to be with her. You may think switching schools for a girl is dumb but man, I was in love, I didn't give a shit what dumb was. I did try to get as low to a zero in every class as I could. It was fun though pissing off teachers and pretty much everyone lol. Well we went through the year and I got a Job at Best Buy towards the end. It was cool, I felt important lol and it was good for a first job. I tihnk sometime after that I asked Natalie to marry me. We were sitting on her fathers truck bed with the tail gate down and she gave me a ring or maybe she showed it to me or something. Anyways the cheesy and cheap jackass I am saw an opportunity (I was thinkin about this a long time back) wait, I think it may have been while before I was working at Best Buy, forgive me, my memory is shot to pieces. But anyways, being the cheesy bastard I was I asked her to marry me with that ring (I'm tellin you I'm a cheap ass). We were engaged and somehow got my parents to buy us rings, though I dunno if it was neccessary. I had a few jobs, nothing really steady, no real direction had my dad on my ass about school. I had lost touch with my friends because I thought I didn't need em for anything and that they were ignorent. Then after about a year or so together, I didn't want to admit it, but I wasn't really goin anywhere, accomplishing anything. I was happy though that I still had Natalie. Sometime before I got a job at UPS I started noticing things were goin wrong but I didn't want to admit it. I had my own idea about love being perfect. We would try to take breaks but always stop. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know what. I started working a lot at two jobs. I never didn't get to see her as much and her friends would always bitch about how they never got to see her. Now that I look back at it, they really didn't get to see her, no one did but me. Its like I kept her all to myself because I was afraid of losing her. And I saw what had been happening. I saw all the signs, but it was too late. So there we were, on her doorstep. She said she needed to talk and I just got this bad feeling in my heart. And she gave me back the ring. From that point on I f*cked things up bad. I was confused, tried to make myself cold, tried to be noble, tried a lot of things. Notihng worked, I had no control anymore. I still love her, and hope for us at least to be friends. Cause she taught me how to love, and how to live.





So thats where I am now. I am trying to find out what can makem happy. And I'm just waiting. Waiting till August 1st. I will be leaving for the Army. As an Intel Analyst mind you but my training is for 6 months. Write now I just try to spend time with my friends before I go, I try to write poetry and read, and just try to survive. Where things will go? What will happen? Hell if I know I've spent the last couple years trying to figure everything out. I'll just let the wind take me, play it by ear and give all of this to God.



So yeah, thats like start to end, if you read it...well good for you lol. I really didn't write for it to be read, I just wrote it so I could remember.

I love my friends, though they are a bit flaky.

__________________
*Warning* - Explicit Content Preceeding