New Joke Thread (Adult)

digerati

Since Mac Daddy's joke thread is huge and kind of outdated I decided why not make a new joke thread? I will still post a link to his thread for all of you who weren't around to see it with the first joke for the new thread to go under it!

http://driverheaven.net/showthread.p...ac+daddys+joke




Doctor Dave is lamenting over the fact that he has just had sex with a patient.

One side of his brain tells him "Dave, it's OK. It's not like no other
doctor has ever had sex with a patient, especially one as cute as her.
Plus, it was consensual; She practically shoved her face right in your
crotch."

However the other side of his brain says "Daaaaave... You're a vet!"

digerati

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.


3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.


4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.


6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.


8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.


10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you

riles9262

How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
>>>when the big hand touches the little hand.


What did the suntanner say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
>>>Would you mind moving sir? You're in my sun.

Nacht

are racial jokes ok? im not a racist, i just think they're really funny. i dont want to insult anybody though.

Ev!L-aLphA

How many jews does it take to get to the moon?

i dont know


thats not racist so.. and im jewish too so :P
lol me n my friends made that up cuz we were bored n it cracked the crap outa us lol

i got some nice jew jokes but its a big no no here

digerati

Why is it a big no no? It makes no sense. Sure you're making a joke about something someone is born with, but yet it's still allowed to make blonde jokes? That makes no sense to me. You're essentially playing favorites to who can be made fun of because of what they're born with.

dj_stick

i don't think racial jokes are appropriate, given the target audience and ethnicity of this forum i suggest you try to keep these jokes as clean as possible

digerati

So why are blonde jokes appropriate?

dj_stick

theres a big difference there - many people are far more sensitive to racial/religious jokes/slurs than blondes are about their hair colour

but i don't want to see anyone getting offended here

digerati

People can be sensitive about anything. I'm saying if you're going to limit jokes on things people are born with, then just ban them all. We have threads and pictures that have made people of retardation the butt end of jokes.

Logla

You can change your hair colour but you cannot change your ethnicity.

Your ethnicity is something you are, not something you're born with.

Like dj said, no racial/relegious jokes or the thread gets closed.

Mr cairo

funny thing is watching you have a debate in a joke thread ..... post an amusing joke mun

craig5320

Is this a joke thread or a discussion on jokes thread. ^_^, DJ is a moderator of this forum. He has stated he doesn't want jokes of that ilk in this thread, and you will respect his decision.

Now:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

OldBuzzard

About a gazillion years ago (when dinosaurs roamed the earth), and when I was in Uncle Sam's Air Farce, I was in Tech school with a fella that was from Cleveland Oh. His name was Starziak and he knew every "Polok" joke known to man, but he would tell them as "Wop" jokes. If you stop to think about it, with very few exceptions, every "Ethnic" joke can be told about any ethnic group.

There are 2 guys on local TV in Cleveland (I think they are called "Big Chuck & Little John), that have been doing "Polok Joke Skits" forever. However, instead of using the term "Polok", they always say: "A certain ethnic".

There are ethnic jokes that ARE very funny, and it's a shame that due to 'Polotical Correctness' they are frowned on. I would suggest that if we use the word ETHNIC as opposed to "Red Neck", "Jew", "Polok", etc, that the jokes would be just as funny.

That's just my $.02, and I would like some input before I post any "Certain Ethnic" jokes.

WisMerHill

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly " << now those are funny !

nice one ^_^

dj_stick

OldBuzzard: i can see your point, i suppose if the jokes aren't aimed at a certain culture then they *may* be okay, just as long as they are tongue-in-cheek and not over-used like the "jews are cheap" and "rednecks are incestual" type jokes - although such jokes can be funny - in a place like this they are not very acceptable - i come from a multicultural city - where racism is rife, and i frown upon it myself

Junkguy

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''

kinetic

[color=white]A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.[/color]

Drakon

that's funny...

Geminiwave

let me just say that if anyone has Norwegian\nordic jokes...send em my way ;-) God I love jokes mocking my ethnicity.

digerati

Adam and Eve were in the garden of Eden, and God had just finished creating the world.

He has a few things left to give mankind, so he lets Adam and Eve choose who gets what, and they're each allowed to pick one. So God starts going down the list of options...


"Who wants to be able to pee standing up?" said God.


"OOO ME ME ME i want that!" said Adam.

Eve just sits there smiling and says "Geez, if you want it that bad then you can have it"


As Adam starts to rejoice God starts down the list again..
"Alright, next we have multiple orgasms..."

Nacht

Wotan's Volk!

digerati

What's red, orange and yellow and looks good on hippies?



Fire.

tastyweat

I was on an airplane one time and the pilot came on the PA to make the usual announcement... flying at 35,000 feet yada yada... then he put the mic down but forgot to turn it off... so the pilot and co-pilot were chatting away and the pilot said to the co-pilot....


"you know what I could do with right now? I great big blowjob and a cup of coffee"

The stewardess realises that the pilot has left the PA system turned on with this comment and rushes to the front of the plane to tell him it's still turned on... then a voice comes from the back of the plane...

"Don't forget the coffee, love!"

tastyweat

A Bra, A Battery and a set of jump-leads walk into a bar.

The Battery and the set of Jump-leads go and site down and the Bra walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender for three pints.

The bar tender refuses to serve the Bra the drinks so the Bra asks why... the bar tender says...

"Because you're off your tits and your friends look like they are going to start something"

tastyweat