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Originally Posted by Vikingod
Depends on what you mean by "worked out". Do you plan on marrying the girl?
If not, it's all for fun, and I think you can have that particular brand of fun while not paying attention to the religion issue. You're a young guy, right? So don't get so serious about it and have a good time.
If this is a permanent committment, I would probably say no. You cant expect to be able to ignore, and certainly not change, someones core beliefs. This is especially true where religion is the case. Hell, it can be difficult enough when the two of you don't like the same movies/music/books/politics.
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I was too ambiguous with "worked out." for marrying the girl, i haven't even thought of that as we've only been together a little over a month. we do want this to be a long term, serious relationship, so marriage would likely happen down the road sometime. I'm relatively young i guess, 24 years old.
i don't plan on changing her beliefs, and i've told her the same with me. if change happens regarding religion, it would be based on her/my decision to change.
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Originally Posted by OmegaRED
Since you haven't specified your religious beliefs I'll assume the worst (atheist) for the sake of argument. The truth is that it shouldn't be a problem unless you make it a problem; religion doesn't become an issue in a relationship until children are involved then you've got to decide what kind of religious upbringing you want for the kids. Ditto with marriage; if it bothers you to be married in a church you'll have to deal with that. This girl knows your beliefs and is still with you, if it doesn't bother her try and do the same.
While I haven't had to deal with this issue yet I've been wondering myself what to do should it arise and all the writings I've come across suggest there's little to worry about. Women, for the most part, don't take religion the same way as men do so she isn't going to wear you down and convert you. I would go easy on the religious discussions with her for a while but if you ever get married then feel free to debate occasionally it won't tear the marriage apart. Mostly you'll just have to learn to compromise; go to church on a Sunday for her and she can do something in return (like read a book critical of religion).
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being an athiest is much better than being agnostic. an athiest doubts the presence of a higher being without there being any proof. an agnostic is one who has no belief in any religion whatsoever. and yes, i consider myself an athiest even though i grew up catholic. we don't want to make it a problem between each other either. the only thing that bothers us, is how our families will treat each other. currently, this is what she is concerned about.
we've already discussed this. and i have agreed to accompany her from time to time to church once this has all settled down between us. even if we're just living together and not actually married, i would still do this for her.
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Originally Posted by Maddogg6
First off - it all depends on *all* parties involved. Some people *may* be involved you may not realize yet.... and I assume you *are* considering either marriage or some other long term commitment together (ie - buy a house together - tho its not usually recommended to do so in most cases with out marriage)
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AFAIK, the only people involved right now is just her and i. since we are being serious about this, we are already talking about deeper commitments, but not buying a house together. simply just living together at our own place, an apartment or rent out a house.
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FAMILY / CLERGY (maybe even friends??).... some 'deeply religious' parents/family may resent their child and/or child's spouse because of their differences in faith or decision to marry. It could go either way.
Ive seen some shun the 'outsider' - converting won't always gain their respect either - depends on the people involved.
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she is afraid of this right now. she doesn't want to tell her family just yet about me because she afraid that she will be shunned or she will be forced to not be with me anymore due to her beliefs and my non-beliefs. although i know she will eventually tell somebody, i'm just not sure how long it will be before she does. it will however be obviously before we would move in together.
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Why did I include 'clergy'? Some used to go and ask their clergy for permission to so much as attend a wedding outside of their faith - some may say 'ok' some may not. Some may adhere to that decision, some may not.
Consider:
'I am crushed, my own family & friends didn't show up to our reception - I knew they wouldn't go to the wedding, but...'
Some religious types may not be vocal about a bf/gf - but when a 'marriage' is announced.... things may change....
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i think this would affect her more than it would affect me.
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she may even think - 'I dont care if may family disowns me' - now, but what about a family member passes away and its too late to 'fix' their relationship? - this *can* be devastating to some/many (in case of a parent) who didn't *honestly* consider these things.
Note: I doubt your presumed non-religious family would not discriminate against a religious person - thus why my references are to 'her' side of her family - from what I seen its the heavily religious ones who tend to discriminate this way.
I presume because she is heavily religious, her parents/family are as well)
But you may need to consider your family as well too... ?? Tho, you are likely already aware of their position on your relationship... you may still need to consider it if you wish to have a relationship with them as well.
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my immidiate family is also more towards the athiest side as well, again, despite them having brought me up being a catholic, things over the years changed and we stopped going to church, began questioning religion, etc. and we are now pretty much athiests here....except my mom. she's one of those "i believe in god when there's trouble" people, which IMO is wrong. my extended family however, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., are all either catholics or christians, but they are all accepting of my decisions.
[/quote]Not that these things would definitively rip apart a relationship/marriage ... but it could definitely add additional strain on an institution thats already got a ~50% success rate.[/quote]
you never know. some things are meant to last. others, don't last at all. this is what the whole bf/gf thing is all about to see if we would last and split up before marriage happens. also, of that ~50% divorce rate, how long is the average time span before these couples become divorced? i've seen cases where people last for 20+ years and then divorce, and others lasting only a few months before they divorce. but what's the average time span?
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If it were me - I would ask her family's permission for marriage (assuming she is close to her family - talk to the one she is closest to first maybe) this will fill you in on their point of view. Their reaction will say a lot about how you will be treated later. You may already have been clued in - did you ignore the clues?? (rhetorical Q - its easy to ignore when 'all we need is love' sounds so much better - tho, *not* always the reality)
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this i will definately do.
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Good luck and of course - don't assume the worse - just prepare for it and your chances of making it work will be much better.
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Thanks! and my personal philosophy on life is, "expect the worst and hope for the best"
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TALK ABOUT IT FIRST - when talking marriage - too often equates to...
'Where do we live?'
'Where do we honeymoon?'
things that make almost no difference *after* the honeymoon is over. To me - marriage talk sounds more like....
'If you were forced to choose me or your family - what would you do?'
'If no one showed up to our wedding - how would you feel?'
'What do you tell your clergy when he finds out you got married outside of his church?'
'Do I need to join the church so we can be married in it? - whats involved exactly?'
'What would happen if we get married against _______ advise? - how would this affect us and our relationship?'
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i would ask her these things as time goes on and as they become appropriate at that point in time in our relationship together.