Help - Woman related dilema

cozumel

Shortly before christmas I decided to recruit an admin assistant to help me with my case. I needed the person to be interested in and Housing Law and Social Services policy, development and strategy whom I could train up to do my job.

Anyhow, we advertised with local agencies and the successful applicant (interviewed by manager and HR dept) happened to be a thirty-two year old Brazilian lady with intelligence, personality, lovely dark skin and very pleasing figure. And she's single. So she's good and enthusiatic with her job and my clients, eager to learn and we have a very good working relationship.

Problem is that the longer I work with her the more I like her and end up trying to be professional and not look at her body. (I am professional and do successfully avert my gaze). And I reckon that she kinda likes me too (body language etc).

Question is what to do now. Working with someone and having a relationship with them is highly unprofessional and can effect the quality of work. Worst case scenario could be potential problems with her career, my career or both. I am contractually obliged to declare any relationship with a colleague and others have previously been dsimissed for transgressions. I don't want her to feel unable to come to work for me if thing were to get over-complicated. I'm not working over the Easter period but I keep thinking about this dilema. Even my dreams (at night) have been...ahem...effected.

Should I go for it or what? What do you guys reckon?


BTW, she ticks all the boxes from my choice of partner.

Sorry if it seems like a total ramble but I've been to the gym today and been running and cycling but can't stop thinking.....

kris23

niiiice

DudeBoyz

I would think that asking a bunch of men who have little better to do than sit in front a screen and type all day instead of being out in the world with actual girlfriends would not be the most productive of ideas.

Never, ever date employees. Ever. Lawsuit waiting to happen.

Plus, you never want to go to the bathroom where you eat, as it were...

Grace

I second that...big time.




Just forget it. It just won't work. Because she seems to like you it doesn't mean she wants to see you naked. You are her boss, she wants to be in your favor. If I went out with everyone I'm nice to, I would have like 100 husbands and 100 girlfriends!

Oh, and just in case you aren't 'good enough for her', you'll end up facing a lawsuit which you cannot even imagine. And the woman is always right.

cozumel

I understand and acknowledge the potential legal ramifications. The reason I am posting here is due to the anonimity. I haven't talked about this in the 'real' world due to the potential damage that could result from loose tongues.

I'm approaching 40 and am bored of relationships that focus purely on the physical side. It gets you by but does not ultimately fulfil. This lady is smart, genuinely cares about the vulnerable clients with whom I work (ie not just in it for the money), is funny and has bags of personality and character. The Brazilian [physique] is a bonus. What if I miss my only opportunity during my lifetime of genuine happiness?

DudeBoyz

Dude, you just don't seem to get it.

If this goes wrong, you could be in serious, serious trouble.

At the very least, help her find another job somewhere else first, then see about dating her only AFTER that is done.

If you even hint about an interest that she deems inappropriate, you could be totally, totally, totally screwed.

Don't be so darn desperate. Don't be so darn stupid. Suck it up and let your BRAIN do the thinking instead of something else.

Don't believe us? Go see an employment lawyer and get an opinion.

Oh man. Mankind so frequently repeats their mistakes it's a wonder that we have evolved at all.

cozumel

Thank you Dudeboyz and Grace for your input.

I f**king hate the complications of our society and company policies and our legal framework. It's just damned rediculous (and quite sad) that society dictates you can't date someone just cuz you're working with them. What a world we live in.....

I would probably have done nothing anyhow but just wanted to air my feelings - get it off my chest. I'll plod on for now and may choose to leave my agency when my contract is up for renewal (just over 9 months to go) if I still feel the same at that time

DudeBoyz

Best of luck to you, then.

Vikingod

Forget it and move on. She's not worth your career, I can guarantee it. I'd avoid her like the plague and get back to work. The problem with workplace relationships is that outside work, everyone is different. This is something that is not thought about, and I've seen people throw away promotions, moves, careers, and even marriages for something that turned out wasn't going to work out in the first place.

I've also had some... err... experience with Brazilian women, and while I'd never give the experiences back, its nothing worth a damaged professional reputation and a glass ceiling on your career. Do yourself a favor and stay away.

CDsDontBurn

If you were to have anything with this particular woman, it would have to be only when either you or her were working at different companies. Otherwise, it wouldn't work for the reasons previously stated.

LHC

Yea I agree with everyone who has replied

The risk of Quid Pro Quo really isn't worth it

Yousaif

Bah go for it.

Just be subtle. Invite her to join you for lunch- not at a bar or a fast food place.

See where things go and DO NOT FORCE THE ISSUE.

Maybe she's as lonely as you, maybe she has the same feelings, if not no worries. Remember not to even think about "what could be" or "what could have been," especially if nothing develops.

Sandok

I agree... I mean, well here you can't really be sued for going out with a collegue but meh, if you don't find out now what it'll be like, you'll wonder forever!

Grace

I don't agree.

I mean, one of my supervisors some time ago got in trouble because of me. I was his personal secretary. And because I stayed in the office late with him, somebody ELSE started spreading rumors about us having a relationship. That got us both in a little trouble with the superiors in the company and a lot of trouble between him and his wife. He almost got a divorce because of that, you cannot convince an angry wife easily that you aren't having an affair with her husband even if you tell her yourself, you see. And he was a bit over 35 years older than me.

That's what just a rumor can do. Imagine an unhappy girlfriend. I do understand cozumel's feelings (and I find his reasons and thought very kind and gentle; I believe he would be a great fiance) but it is just too risky for him at this point of time. That's not a high-school short term 'love' which can end with a bit of cursing and with a slap at worst, it can end with him losing a very large porpotion of his possessions and giving him trouble for the rest of his life.

Maybe (just MAYBE) after quite some time, after you two know each other pretty well, you can ask her out and notice her reaction. Doing this now will not win her good grace's anyway, she will immediatelly think that you hired her because you want her in your bedroom.



PS. Oh, and remember, women are always far more cunning than men. She can think of a plot you wouldn't even understand if she wanted to trap you or something.

Falstaff

I cant say that I havent taken advantage of an oppurtunity either as a boss or subordinate to get to know someone better, and I mean biblically, but I worked with my present partner for two years before we became further engaged and she and I observed a great deal of caution and protocol before we decided we were ready, but we know the difference between sexual congress and friendship and the working relationship. I know for you that line or lines might be a bit blurred...
If this person is in close proximity to you all the time, get to know her really really well, then make up your mind, but be as cautious as a cat.

Matth

Misread the signals, and you are heading for a disaster of car crash proportions!

Maybe a team building / welcoming / thank you do could be arranged, bring a friend / partner. After all, for all you know, she may have a "significant other", or even bat for the other side (or worse).

In a circulating, idle chit chat situation, you might pick up some more clues.

DudeBoyz

Ever see Ally McBeal? Lucy Liu's character talking about how men are ruled by the "Dumb Stick"?

Seldom have truer words been spoken...

BlueMak

First of all you have to decide if it is your dick that wants her or your heart. If it is the second, or at worst both, then you should proceed.
Maybe I don't know enough of working in an office, but what is the bad thing about asking her out on a date? Ask her in a nice way, she either says yes or no. Then, no matter what she replies, do not change how you interact with her at work.
She says yes, you go on a date, if there is something there good. She says no, you get on with your life.

Da_Jewish_Fonzy

I'm not into having regrets. If you feel strongly for her then I say go for it, but tread carefully. You only live once right.

SFOSOK

Sounds like your caught in the trap. I don't think it matters what anyone tells you unless its what you want to hear.

Your still goin to do what ever you want to regardless of the "infinite wisdom" some of the DH members have about relationships.




I know its not goin to help though I'm sure your old enough to understand this.

Its not love, and its not worth it. Don't let your mind run around free with this sort of thing because it will tear your down day by day. Saying you can't stop thinking about it is simply bullsh*t because you can, you just don't want to. Your mind is stuck in a rut where everyday it reinforces a flawed idea until one day you feel like being "bold" (which it is isn't being bold, its follow something your brain rationalized and justified that is false).



Just continue working and do what you need to do to get it off your mind. But don't add fuel to the thought, replace it with something else.

Edit: @Grace : Men are just as cunning, its just depends if we care or not. Women don't have as much control as they think they do, men just really don't care.

Falstaff

reminds me of an Elvis song....

ferret2004

Forget about it. Stay away from employees and coworkers~Otherwise you are asking for trouble.