YAY it's Poetry

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 1, 2007, 01:52 PM

I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and have this overwhelming urge to be read. Open to all forms of criticism.

---
There is a hole labeled love.
For three years we played the perimeter
Occasionally stopping to glance down the hole then into each other's eyes,
Wondering how the two seemed equal in depth.
One day I jumped in.
It was foolish of me,
We should have tied a rope around our waists and climbed down together.

Sometimes, when there are no clouds and the sun is at the right angle,
You can look down and see me
And wonder if I'm worth the wager.
What you can't see, though, is that I've braced myself and have my arms open
To catch you
When you're ready.

SFOSOK · Apr 1, 2007, 10:19 PM

to literal for my tastes.

Needs to be more romantic and a play on words instead of so straight forward.

Edit: Remember though the general concensus about me is that I hate everything.

Falstaff · Apr 2, 2007, 02:52 AM

I could see this is a ballad about the angst of youth and loves lost, it is perfectly valid and rather good.

GutterPunk · Apr 2, 2007, 07:06 AM

NOt bad, you say the love word too quick?

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 2, 2007, 09:08 AM

Nope, started talking marriage. We had been together for 3 years but she was just starting college. Scared her off.

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 2, 2007, 10:35 AM

Here's another one.

---
I am seduction's rake
And you are a green leaf in Spring.
I spend my patience to change the seasons because
One of them will make you realize that holding on to him is not worth the energy.
When you land softly on the grass, I am ready to collect.
Maybe it's my plastic smile
Or my impressive wooden handle;
You can't resist me.
It is my art.

Falstaff · Apr 2, 2007, 05:14 PM

you should try some Haiku as well Andrew...it may be your forte..

YAYitsAndrew · Apr 2, 2007, 11:25 PM

Here's a haiku I wrote after I watched my roommate Marshall stomp a mouse to death in our apartment a year ago. Why do you suggest haiku?

---
Don't squeak little mouse,
Marshall's foot is swift justice
For an unknown crime.

[hobo]eclipse · Apr 2, 2007, 11:36 PM

the first one is great, a visual poem if you will, i can see the whole thing played out in my mind as a short film, very simple and strait forward and true, universally. the second is cool but seems alil more personal, not bad but maybe not as meaningful for the masses, not that the masses are of any concern.......

Falstaff · Apr 3, 2007, 02:23 AM

I love the Haiku...
nothing like an image...
sorry for the mouse...
but cats got to eat too...

Mousey · Apr 3, 2007, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YAYitsAndrew

Here's a haiku I wrote after I watched my roommate Marshall stomp a mouse to death in our apartment a year ago. Why do you suggest haiku?

---
Don't squeak little mouse,
Marshall's foot is swift justice
For an unknown crime.

*screams*

**Vikingod** · Apr 4, 2007, 01:50 PM

lol @ mousey

Nice poems; oh, the innuendo!

I agree with Jeff, your meter lends itself to Haiku.

YAYitsAndrew · May 31, 2007, 09:21 AM

Had LOTS to write about lately... hope you find something you like. I even wrote some of them rhymin' ones cause people seem to like them.

---
Someone invented a clay
That can grow how it sees fit under accord of its own free will.
When you mold it, it holds just long enough to let you forget why you molded it in the first place.
During that time it sits perfectly
Then returns to the man you started with.

---
You have the choice of him or me -
One sticky situation.
A matter of such gravity
Demands attenuation.
I'll offer you a tip for free,
Some sagely inspiration.
My foe is not your past with he,
It's your imagination.

---
You say it's too soon:
Hommage to some notion that love follows reason or logic.
If it did, then by now I'd know not to fall for you this quickly.
It's too soon.

---
I'm a vacation.
You take me for two weeks and have a great time.
You cry a little when I'm over.
When you get back to your real life you put photos of me in an album
And wonder if you could have stayed longer.

---
Our time together's a tease.
Obligation betrays desire.
I want to have secrets with you
and make them at your lips.

---
The purpose of a title is to wear it on your chest.
Then let the people read it so that they can be impressed.
But she is not a title, trophy, medal, plaque, or crest.
So keep on wearing her as one and I'll punch you in the face.

Falstaff · May 31, 2007, 11:57 PM

this very emotional....
Andrew do you have a dark side?

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 1, 2007, 01:15 AM

Who doesn't

Falstaff · Jun 1, 2007, 09:34 AM

that wasnt the question Mr !!!
now go to your room...

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 2, 2007, 01:27 AM

Why, is she there?

Falstaff · Jun 2, 2007, 02:08 AM

why who is where?

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 3, 2007, 09:15 AM

(How does a vase love a hammer?
Attempts to embrace make her shatter.)
Nice to meet you.
I'm glue.
And I know that you're priceless.

Falstaff · Jun 4, 2007, 07:53 AM

I get that Andrew, just curious if this is unrequited love or someone real.

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 4, 2007, 04:42 PM

No she likes me too, but not enough to give up on her bf. They seperated for a couple weeks (6th time) and we had a lot of fun together, but then he started begging her to get back together and she chose him cause of their history. They're already fighting...

My expert(?) advice to myself is just keep on living and wait it out. If it's meant to happen I'll get my shot. Until then sometimes I miss her like crazy so I write.

Falstaff · Jun 6, 2007, 02:12 AM

there are so many other girls out there Andrew, your a handsome, creative and resourceful fellow, surely there is a bright new flower in the garden for you, go take a walk outside and smell the roses mate, that is what I do. My girlfriend and I have known each other since we were children living in Germany where our fathers were stationed, we have had lots of lovers, spouses and travelled the world, and yet we returned to be with each other again here in the UK for awhile, she is travelling back to the US to settle her legal affairs and get a better paying job, and I will stay here as long as they pay me well, but I never stop loving her, and she I. What I am trying to say is that we both know what distances, time and life places before us, and we act accordingly, but we are two very independent people and that is what we love about each other among other things, so I guess we shall be together again in the near future...but we are friends Andrew, that never changes...ya know what I mean? no matter what happens we still have each other and help each other, although our lives and the pathes we choose take us many places, we remain looking forward to the future. If we both were sidetracked or mired in other loves that didnt work out, or waited for loves that would never be realized to our expectations, we would never have become fast friends...Andrew...there are lots and lots of lovers out there....but to find a love, you must first be able to give without any condition, your own love to your partner, and remain hopeful I suppose that it will be returned, but there are not absolutes are there. Hang in there, keep writing your poetry, it is the window to your soul but it also allows a level of intimacy that sets you free IMO.

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 7, 2007, 02:24 PM

Last night was great.
Winning beirut while they still had eight?
No.
Seeing your smile put me in this state.

Falstaff · Jun 7, 2007, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YAYitsAndrew

Last night was great.
Winning beirut while they still had eight?
No.
Seeing your smile put me in this state.

oh stop it

YAYitsAndrew · Jun 8, 2007, 09:33 AM

MY poetry thread! This one might need a little work at the beginning

Let's say you're Gretel
Dropping hope-flavored breadcrumbs
So that you can backpedal
When your desire succumbs.
Let's say he's the witch
In a candy cane coven.
You supply him a kiss
As he's heating his oven.
If you stay there and sweeten
Instead of being a tourist
Then your crumbs will be eaten
By the birds of the forest.

Falstaff · Jun 8, 2007, 10:20 AM

whoa.....